Published on 12, July, 2020
Firstly, apologies for any words or phrasing I might use unwittingly that could cause offence. And sorry for the rambling - I hope someone will read this. I'm really new to all this and not sure where I am.
I think I may have autism. I started looking into it because of one or two of my children that I'm also wondering about, and a passing comment made by a friend who has a family member on the spectrum.
I want to ask a question that's been bothering me. I'm very happy with language and metaphor. In fact English lit, and modern languages were subjects I was naturally drawn to and good at. I've never had any difficulty understanding nuances in meaning and I love words. I'm also very artistic, and talking about maths concepts and logic make my brain hurt.
I have dug under a lot of things in my life recently and realised I'm not what I thought I was. I have identified quite a few traits that could be classified as autistic, that I could see I have been masking throughout my life to get by. The past year has shown me I don't have any friends to rely on, I've always been the one to work the hardest to keep relationships going and this pandemic has really brought this into sharp relief.
But I keep wondering if I am just socially inept and my anxieties exist because my mother was overprotective before I left home. I never struggled at school academically, I got through most of my subjects without much difficulty - not that I understood everything, but then who does? I was always the quiet, shy, conscientious student that the teachers complained needed to speak up more in class.
I haven't found anyone that says that people with autism can also love metaphor and imagery and not struggle with sarcasm. Is there anyone out there like me that has had a diagnosis or knows they have autism? Please be kind and please also be honest.
Thank you for reading if you have got this far.
Hi, I see a lot of myself in the things you said to describe yourself.
I am self-diagnosed based on a couple of tests I've taken online and reading about autism a lot. Even so, there are days when I feel like I might be making it up or excusing my social anxiety and social awkwardness and sensory overloads for it, just to validate my own self and my "weirdness". But then I look back at my life and a lot of the experiences make sense through that autistic lens.
I don't know if that is linked to denial but from what I've read, the road to self-acceptance can be long and complicated, and we will have days when we think we're just like every other normal person. And then have days when everything is just too much.
I read somewhere that keeping a journal is a great way to explore your autism, especially as you're discovering it.
For some people self-diagnosis is enough, but for others a professional diagnosis is the validation they need. Do what feels right for you.
KnotSoWild Thank you so much for your kind response. You've said exactly how I feel. I think I grew up in such a way that there's a lot of reasons why I always thought it was my own inability to fix my deficiencies. I fear that I'm just looking for an excuse and latching onto this to make me feel less of a failure.
I'm keeping a running list of things on my phone as I read/listen to more and more on autism. I'm picking up more and more from the past that make me think wow, ok, that resonates!
I appreciate so much, your taking the time to share about your experience, thank you.