Hello!

Hi everyone,

My name is Michelle and I've taken the big step last week of saying out loud to my GP that I think I may be autistic. I was shaking when explaining all the reasons why but the more I spoke the more relieved I felt. The GP was sensitive, respectful and validated that everything that I was saying was plausible. 

I've basically spent my whole life feeling socially anxious, since my earliest memories as a 3yr old attending nursery to now. I'm fortunate to be academically competent but throughout my life I have been bullied, both at school and in the neighbourhood that I lived in. I'm terrified of the slightest bit of conflict, whether it exists or not. I have always preferred the sanctuary of my own space and company. Throughout my life I've had what I would describe as intense hobbies or collections that have been consuming of my thoughts. I always described it as an addictive personality but since I've read more about autism in girls and women I'm reading more and more things that I could've written myself. It is both eye opening and daunting.

I take fluoxetine for anxiety but I've realised that I find great peace in lockdown, not having to leave my home. I had also spent 2 months unemployed as I quit my job, which added to my sense of security, but I missed my job despite the anxiety I feel with it as I trained hard to do it. I'm immediately anxious even though the job hasn't even really started yet, and I've realised it is the social aspect that is triggering my anxiety, along with many unknowns such as the unfamiliar geographical area and the driving. I am always petrified of looking stupid and I don't use these words lightly. I feel frozen sometimes.

I live in an area where you can self refer to the autism service so I have done this in great detail. I have been told there is a 6+ month wait. I'm a bit nervous that the assessment may come around and I may just be wrong, which would be hard to take as I feel such a relief to have found what feels like an explanation for so many things I struggle and have struggled with. I did complete the AQ10 I think it was called and I got a strong result on that but it was very brief and I suppose there are a lot of people who feel they have "traits". 

Sorry for going on a bit!