Published on 12, July, 2020
I've always known I was different with 2 "normal" older siblings.I'm finding this difficilt for fear of being judged stupid again.As a baby up to now wouldn't have a photo taken.There are virtually no photo's of me as a child.Family gatherings in Scotland where everyone does their turn had me in tears as I was placed on a stool in the middle of the room to sing for relatives.Dreaded being pointed at in class to read out loud.I can remember my first reception class at infants aged 3 apparently I was disruptive never sat still...but I was sitting as still as possible to me.Was placed behind the teacher facing the wall until I could learn to behave......I spent the full term there.Mum said it was the teacher didn't like her,but nothing was done about it.If teachers took me to heart I thrived.I remember one teacher who was a hippy type straight out of uni I loved her & got good results in all subjects 3rd from top in Maths,she made me feel normal.I haven't felt normal since.Started senior school & at the age of 12 was told Maths & I should part company as I was not maths material.I've taken driving lessons but never the test as I can't bring myself to do it.I don't make friends now as I always let them down.My memory is terrible for faces/names.People look at me weirdly as I could have worked with them for a few years in the past but I have no recognition if I've not seen them in a while.I wonder if I'm on the spectrum as I have a son in his 30's who I'm sure is & he's not dianosed either.
Hi, I had similar problems in my younger years. As time moved on, I began to act a part that was not and is not 'me', but it was easier to present myself to others. Always thought of strange but harmless by others and had problems with acceptance by others. Not diagnosed until in my sixties and now retired.
There are lots of things back to my earliest recollections which it is easy in retrospect to tie in with being autistic. But in those far-off days, autism/ aspergers only existed in academic papers gathering dust in university libraries and those who would now be considered autistic would be considered awkward, disobedient, uncontrolled and insolent. The 'cure' in those days was physical punishment, which of course didn't cure anything.
Do the A Q test which is the second link on Aidie's reply. Dont get bogged down on the whether you are 'slight' or 'very' on any question, as the score is the same. Some questions may seem daft or irrelevant but each individual question in isolation has little effect on the overall result. Takes about fifteen minutes and will give a good indication of whether you may be autistic.
An assessment under the NHS is difficult to get when in senior years and can cost anything from £500 to £2000 or more to get done privately, so you may not consider it worthwhile if refused an NHS assessment as in itself a diagnosis changes nothing. You are still the same person. I had my diagnosis because of problems I was having in the workplace and my employer would not consider adjustments without a diagnosis (which theoretically at least is not necessary under the equality act, but that's another story).
As you suggested Trainspotter I did the AQ test & scored 41 out of 50
That is a high score which shows that it is 'worthy of further investigation'. The result is not conclusive but the score is well above borderline. You can print it off to show your GP if you want an assessment, but even if your GP agrees you will have to endure a waiting list which could be two years or more. Or just show it to your GP even if you dont want a diagnosis, just so the GP is aware. You can assume that on the balance of probabilities from the result of the test, and from your knowledge of your own behaviour and how you present and act, you have self diagnosed as autistic. A diagnosis will change nothing of how you are or how you always have been.
You can now perhaps explain many events in your life. If you have access to your school reports, how do they fit in with being autistic? Supervisions at work - anything said to you by your manager that you felt was not fair or have you been pulled up for something but hadn't realised why at the time. Having things fit into place is probably more useful than a formal diagnosis.
People can be very hurtful and autistic people can be very sensitive to personal remarks. I know I continually mull them over and they can come back to haunt me for many years. You should try to be yourself as masking by trying to fit in can cause severe anxiety and depression.
Autism is not something to be ashamed of or apologise for. It is how you are, how you have been, and how you always will be. Unfortunately, as it is outwardly invisible, neurotypicals always judge from their own viewpoint, and short of wearing a tee-shirt or banner saying you are autistic they will always be judgemental.