Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I am with an aspergers guy and have been for seven years, we are going through a very difficult time due to it. I am stuck at home all day on my own - we have no friends or family in the area, so I never see other people or speak to them. I work online on my computer, but I CANNOT do much because I am physically disabled.
My guy is at work all day and then comes in and does not talk much, when he is at work he is surrounded by loads of people and gets lots of emails texts and phone calls from customers and other workers, when he does talk it ls about the weather, what is on television and all that stuff.
He never ever wants to talk about anything that matters / us.
I told him that I have been getting so bored and lonely that I started to chat on some forums and rang an anxiety helpline.
He has no idea of how bored and lonely I am.
He will not listen about it, he just does not get it. So he finds fault with it saying he cannot understand what the point is to going in the forums or chatting in a chat room.
I am here for maybe eight hours a day bored to tears. That is what the point is. It is better than being more lonely and bored.
I tell hm and he still cannot se it and finds fault.
I am sick of being bored and lonely and sick of him finding fault with me doing what I can about it.
I go along to local Meetup events - coffee mornings and pub evenings etc. I'm very Aspergers and very ill but I just need to get out of the house and interact / people watch for a break from the monotony of being indoors all the time. By meeting at an external venue, it sets boundaries to stop people using me - and allows me to withdraw if I'm losing interest or getting overloaded.
You may be expecting too much from your partner - if he's forced to be social during the day, he may be partially fried by the time he gets home so if you then start asking difficult 'open ended' questions at a time when he wants to defrag his brain, it's not going to end well. He'll switch off and you'll be frustrated.
Aspie blokes are much easier to deal with when you de-stress them by indulging their hobby so they can push the daily stress to the side to concentrate on the subject at hand - a plane museum or car show etc. That's the time to start these difficult conversations over lunch. Be concise and precise so his answers can be short and simple - the more vague questions will take too long for him to process - things like "how much do you love me?" are unmeasurable so it will jam his brain up.
You do not understand.
I dont need advice on what he is like or how to talk to him. we have been together seven years.
I dont need advice on how to spend my time, thats all worked out as best it can be considering I am physically disabled, housebound most of the time and alone a lot.
Before this I was managing director of a big business with three secretaries and a lot of staff, very busy. And used to chatting to clients I have a lot in common with.
My guy is a professional person who chose his job because he loves to mix with and chatter to people all day. he is not doing some job he hates doing and wishing he could chat to them less. He set up a club so that he could chatter to people and meet people more. He is often chattering away at work and then when he is here evenings and weekends. That has nothing to do with what i was saynig other than that it makes him a hypcocrite. He thinks its fine for him to have loasd of long pointless chats all day with people. But if I chat to someone online or put posts in a forum while I sit there bored and lonely all day then that was a waste of time and pointless. He will not accept that simply passing the time and having an email arrive and someone to chat to for a while is a point in itself. Even though he does it too.
I understand what you say. But I am not unemployed. I have things to fill my day and if I was not disabled and more mobile I would be working more with clients, not going to meet ups etc - which are about 30 miles away.And always full of unemployeds I have nothing in common with.
Obvously if you can go out to meet and have lots of spare time going out and doing that is better. Our situations , personalities, and lifestyles and pasts are very different.
My guy is not anti social. He loves chatting. He is not forced to do it. HE CHOSE THAT JOB BECAUSE IT INVOLVES MEETING LOTS OF PEOPLE AND CHATTING. This has nothing to do with our evenings or weekends or how he interacts with me most of the time. He wouldnt have set up and run a club if he didnt like chatting and was anti social, that would make no sense.
This about the fact taht he is being a hypocrite. He thinks it is fine for him to chatter away all day and a lot of the evening to loads of people. But if I chat to you for half an hyour on here whle I am on my own he finds fault with it. He gets it into his head it was a waste of half an hour.
If you cannot run your business and get out and do much then you have half an hour to waste. It is better than being more bored and more lonely. He will not see or accept that.
Please if you are going to reply concentrate on what I am saying and not keep changing the subject trynig to fix things that do not need fixing. Or suggesting things that are pointless or worse than they are already.