Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone.
(This is going to get a little difficult to read and understand so bear with me - anyone wishing for a happy introduction should skip this.)
A little about me: 32 M, educated (BSc Biological Sciences - I loved microbiology), living and working with my parents at their family business. So I decided to join this site after reassessing my life and events. While I haven't been diagnosed, I have a strong suspicion that I am autistic, due to the traits I possess or identify with.
So from a young age, my teachers would tell my parents at meetings that I was an incredibly shy boy. I would rarely interact with people and only talk when spoken to. Even then, I found it extremely difficult to be personable with people, replying in a verbose manner and avoiding looking at them. I still find it difficult to communicate verbally and when addressed, I would face their direction but look a foot the other way - I just find it uncomfortable to be "confronted". My preferred method of communicating would, of course, be written and sometimes (most of the time) I spend an inordinate amount of time conveying simple ideas.
When I was young I enjoyed chess, music (playing a little bit of keyboard and now picked up the guitar albeit self-taught), badminton and eventually video games. As I'm older, I drifted away from friends and I find it difficult to initiate, let alone maintain a relationship with anyone - and so most of my previous hobbies have faded too. I find it ironic that the greatest joy is my exploration of open-worlds, in the form of MMOs, or playing another life in an RPG - and acting how I would if I were more spontaneous and more sociable. I'm currently enjoying Assassin's Creed: Origins and Syndicate.
With regards to the previous paragraph, I have found myself to be even more solitary than in my youth - lonely even - but I don't mind because, I guess, we ultimately only have ourselves. This line of thought worries me more and more as the years have gone by - not because I miss being sociable, but because I value having structure in my life. As mentioned above, I live with my parents, and this structure has given me some purpose to my life. I honestly don't know what would have happen if that were to be disrupted because: I don't know how I would live my life; what would I do; how would I even start to do those things? In a typical day I perform tasks in a sort-of perfunctionary order - as I rationalise it is more efficient - in doing so, I make little games of timing myself or doing it better than before.
Here comes the difficult part.
Recently, I have felt more unwelcome than usual. The few words that I do speak in a day are: yes or no. I have outbursts that are prompted by questions that feel accusatory and my mental health has significantly declined. I am brooding and moments of dark thoughts intrude long after emotional outbursts. I have suffered with suicidal ideation for a long time, from graduating and breaking up with my girlfriend and considering my outlook and prospects in life. My life has turned out for the worse. I have no purpose having left university during the great recession. I miss the independence afforded to me when I shared a student flat with my then girlfriend - whom I loved dearly and who helped give me some purpose. I spent a sandwich year to beef up my experiences and to determine if I enjoyed being in a laboratory (I did). And yet, countless applications and rejections, along with the time, effort and money spent depleted my hopes. I had gone through it so many times that it's just easier for me not to bother anymore - I know I should try but I can't stand the thought of more failure. I dearly wanted a career in biology and now I avoid it all, because failing at the first hurdle and interacting with people hurts. I don't know how people can do well in interviews so I haven't even attempted to try for a new career or job. I just don't know what to do anymore or how or where.. and for me, time is ticking and something will inevitably change.
I just wish this were more upbeat but being hopeful and happy is a rare occurrence for me nowadays. Thank you for reading.
Sam
I used to think the time is ticking career wise but after a while, I started to see a few people's careers go backwards and forwards and left and right in all sorts of ways.
It helped me see that this idea of a career ladder is frequently not applicable. Sure, some people go up in some kind of ordered fashion but many of us (people I mean - not necessarily us with autism) don't.One day, well into my thirties, I was probably walking around somewhere and a thought kept bothering me. If management structures are nearly always pyramids, how could all those on the supposed 'lower levels' get to be management? At that point, I realised that most people don't follow a 'the only way is up' career ladder.
Last year, I was aiming for a management position. This year, I had to (for various reasons) quit my old job and one of my options is something like litter picking. Maybe I'll do something different but as a fall back option, sure.
Someone else very dear to me is very smart, is autistic and stacks shelves. Some see it as a waste of talent but they know it helps them get by, get through. Work is about 1/2 or so of our waking life but it's not all we are.
The covid awfulness has meant that I've shifted my expectations greatly.I'm hoping I might be able to lean on some friends to help me get some job positions in 2021.
One day, I hope there will be a good number more autism friendly companies (ideally strongly full of people with autism).I guess I didn't comment on the socialising part but that's because you're you. If saying yes or no is what you feel comfortable with, that's ok to a fair degree. Are you comfortable with it? Do you want to say more sometimes? Do you feel you 'have to hold back'? Or is the case that you're happiest giving simple, to-the-point answers?I'm not sure how much of this is useful/applicable but maybe something in here helps in some roundabout way.
Thank you. I like your username, by the way - even though it took a couple of minutes to recognise and now repeat (sing) it.
Nothing would make me more content than having a job where all I'm required to do is to perform the task at hand. Strip out most of the face-to-face interaction with other people and replace it with a text, rather than verbal system, would be ideal.
I feel like I have regressed with regards to socialising (not that I had any support in the first place). When I was in university I had my own little group of friends who invited me. And now, I don't talk to anyone else. As to actually answering your question, I want my answers to be informative, yet, most people just want it: to-the-point - which leads to the awkward "should I have said more/did I say what they wanted to hear?"
Thanks :) The user name is mainly inspired by Manchester post-punk band, The Chameleons -whose music is delectable (for me at least). But yes, there's another musical pun in there too, that I couldn't resist.I always performed better with text too. I worked remotely for 8 years. It was a real shame when video calls started coming in because text had always been my strength.
I hope at some point 'we' can have a greater voice. Hope is not so concrete, I know that.
When you say 'and now' that you don't talk to others. Can I ask since when have you not been so well in touch with your friends group?
I did something similar after university. It's a while ago now and I can't totally remember why I thought it would be better to have distance. Similar to your experience, friends travelled to all sorts of places geographically - but, as people do move from time to time, sometimes some people move back closer to you.
After a few years, I got back in contact with people from university and school. That was certainly worth it from my viewpoint.
The friends I've reconnected with have been very good to me and welcomed the reconnecting. I'm currently in the house of one of those friends I reconnected with. He's basically looking after me at the moment after I had a pretty bad anxiety attack/meltdown on the weekend.
If it's possible to do, reconnecting is something to consider maybe ? If you feel it's right for you.
Around 6th Form and University, I got into social media with Myspace and Facebook. The small group of friends that I did have from classes were a part of my online social presence. After graduating, I became more distant, as we all moved back to different parts of the country. I became more withdrawn. I hated failing in gaining meaningful employment, while they got the jobs they wanted. It became too much, so I deleted my online presence. Without anything in common or method of communication, I've withdrawn from interacting with people.