Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone.
(This is going to get a little difficult to read and understand so bear with me - anyone wishing for a happy introduction should skip this.)
A little about me: 32 M, educated (BSc Biological Sciences - I loved microbiology), living and working with my parents at their family business. So I decided to join this site after reassessing my life and events. While I haven't been diagnosed, I have a strong suspicion that I am autistic, due to the traits I possess or identify with.
So from a young age, my teachers would tell my parents at meetings that I was an incredibly shy boy. I would rarely interact with people and only talk when spoken to. Even then, I found it extremely difficult to be personable with people, replying in a verbose manner and avoiding looking at them. I still find it difficult to communicate verbally and when addressed, I would face their direction but look a foot the other way - I just find it uncomfortable to be "confronted". My preferred method of communicating would, of course, be written and sometimes (most of the time) I spend an inordinate amount of time conveying simple ideas.
When I was young I enjoyed chess, music (playing a little bit of keyboard and now picked up the guitar albeit self-taught), badminton and eventually video games. As I'm older, I drifted away from friends and I find it difficult to initiate, let alone maintain a relationship with anyone - and so most of my previous hobbies have faded too. I find it ironic that the greatest joy is my exploration of open-worlds, in the form of MMOs, or playing another life in an RPG - and acting how I would if I were more spontaneous and more sociable. I'm currently enjoying Assassin's Creed: Origins and Syndicate.
With regards to the previous paragraph, I have found myself to be even more solitary than in my youth - lonely even - but I don't mind because, I guess, we ultimately only have ourselves. This line of thought worries me more and more as the years have gone by - not because I miss being sociable, but because I value having structure in my life. As mentioned above, I live with my parents, and this structure has given me some purpose to my life. I honestly don't know what would have happen if that were to be disrupted because: I don't know how I would live my life; what would I do; how would I even start to do those things? In a typical day I perform tasks in a sort-of perfunctionary order - as I rationalise it is more efficient - in doing so, I make little games of timing myself or doing it better than before.
Here comes the difficult part.
Recently, I have felt more unwelcome than usual. The few words that I do speak in a day are: yes or no. I have outbursts that are prompted by questions that feel accusatory and my mental health has significantly declined. I am brooding and moments of dark thoughts intrude long after emotional outbursts. I have suffered with suicidal ideation for a long time, from graduating and breaking up with my girlfriend and considering my outlook and prospects in life. My life has turned out for the worse. I have no purpose having left university during the great recession. I miss the independence afforded to me when I shared a student flat with my then girlfriend - whom I loved dearly and who helped give me some purpose. I spent a sandwich year to beef up my experiences and to determine if I enjoyed being in a laboratory (I did). And yet, countless applications and rejections, along with the time, effort and money spent depleted my hopes. I had gone through it so many times that it's just easier for me not to bother anymore - I know I should try but I can't stand the thought of more failure. I dearly wanted a career in biology and now I avoid it all, because failing at the first hurdle and interacting with people hurts. I don't know how people can do well in interviews so I haven't even attempted to try for a new career or job. I just don't know what to do anymore or how or where.. and for me, time is ticking and something will inevitably change.
I just wish this were more upbeat but being hopeful and happy is a rare occurrence for me nowadays. Thank you for reading.
Sam
well done in getting a biology degree thats a real achievement which can never be aken from you. I have one. I spent year unemployed then did an MSc to learn computer programming. I miss biology, IT people have no idea about the rest of the world.
1. Do a st john first aid course ---- just to get you out and you can use your biology thinkin again but keep it a secret ( i mean your degree )
2. if you are well off, apply to do PhDs. You're skills are very important in this crazy world we are in
3. I want to to die trying to spread science. I too suffered a bout of suicide stuff ( i thought i would get a job with my degree) , but turn it around, you have nothing to loose
4. if you can get into your parents business to earn money to be used to advance science in any way you can
5. there are gradute schemes about search for them they take any degree and put you in (usually IT ) companies
I am trying to shock u ( zen technique) into to GOING/DOING again, it took massive energy and work to get a Biology Degree.
wishing u all the best (for the sake of the earth).
We need microbiologists to study the unknown/undiscovered 95% of life on Earth
Thank you for your kind words.
I used to aspire to do a lot of what you have done and you give me hope, if only I can find a way to proceed.
After graduating, I tried to enter employment in a hyper-competitive market and got to the interview stages with Nestle, Eurofins and Thames Water and various other places. This was to be a stop-gap to continuing my education. But I never got through and it all fell apart. I hated having to go through the interview stages with management and HR, that I felt, no matter what I said, I could never convey what they wanted to hear. For a long time after, I wished that they had asked me to do something to show my proficiency, rather than talk about something obscure.
I completely understand. I used to drive myself to accomplish things (your words reaffirm that) but now I've been struck with inertia (and I prefer it) because I don't have to deal with the lows of failing. This will probably sound cliched but I feel like: even with my experiences and knowledge, I still don't have the parts in my toolbox to ever compete with anyone else, let alone use it correctly.
I'm sorry if I'm being overly dramatic but I've never had somewhere to talk and at my own pace.