Do I belong here (or anywhere)?

Hello everyone.

(This is going to get a little difficult to read and understand so bear with me - anyone wishing for a happy introduction should skip this.)

A little about me: 32 M, educated (BSc Biological Sciences - I loved microbiology), living and working with my parents at their family business. So I decided to join this site after reassessing my life and events. While I haven't been diagnosed, I have a strong suspicion that I am autistic, due to the traits I possess or identify with.

So from a young age, my teachers would tell my parents at meetings that I was an incredibly shy boy. I would rarely interact with people and only talk when spoken to. Even then, I found it extremely difficult to be personable with people, replying in a verbose manner and avoiding looking at them. I still find it difficult to communicate verbally and when addressed, I would face their direction but look a foot the other way - I just find it uncomfortable to be "confronted". My preferred method of communicating would, of course, be written and sometimes (most of the time) I spend an inordinate amount of time conveying simple ideas.

When I was young I enjoyed chess, music (playing a little bit of keyboard and now picked up the guitar albeit self-taught), badminton and eventually video games. As I'm older, I drifted away from friends and I find it difficult to initiate, let alone maintain a relationship with anyone - and so most of my previous hobbies have faded too. I find it ironic that the greatest joy is my exploration of open-worlds, in the form of MMOs, or playing another life in an RPG - and acting how I would if I were more spontaneous and more sociable. I'm currently enjoying Assassin's Creed: Origins and Syndicate. 

With regards to the previous paragraph, I have found myself  to be even more solitary than in my youth - lonely even - but I don't mind because, I guess, we ultimately only have ourselves. This line of thought worries me more and more as the years have gone by - not because I miss being sociable, but because I value having structure in my life. As mentioned above, I live with my parents, and this structure has given me some purpose to my life. I honestly don't know what would have happen if that were to be disrupted because: I don't know how I would live my life; what would I do; how would I even start to do those things? In a typical day I perform tasks in a sort-of perfunctionary order - as I rationalise it is more efficient - in doing so, I make little games of timing myself or doing it better than before.

Here comes the difficult part. 

Recently, I have felt more unwelcome than usual. The few words that I do speak in a day are: yes or no. I have outbursts that are prompted by questions that feel accusatory and my mental health has significantly declined. I am brooding and moments of dark thoughts intrude long after emotional outbursts. I have suffered with suicidal ideation for a long time, from graduating and breaking up with my girlfriend and considering my outlook and prospects in life. My life has turned out for the worse. I have no purpose having left university during the great recession. I miss the independence afforded to me when I shared a student flat with my then girlfriend - whom I loved dearly and who helped give me some purpose. I spent a sandwich year to beef up my experiences and to determine if I enjoyed being in a laboratory (I did). And yet, countless applications and rejections, along with the time, effort and money spent depleted my hopes. I had gone through it so many times that it's just easier for me not to bother anymore - I know I should try but I can't stand the thought of more failure. I dearly wanted a career in biology and now I avoid it all, because failing at the first hurdle and interacting with people hurts. I don't know how people can do well in interviews so I haven't even attempted to try for a new career or job. I just don't know what to do anymore or how or where.. and for me, time is ticking and something will inevitably change.

I just wish this were more upbeat but being hopeful and happy is a rare occurrence for me nowadays. Thank you for reading.

Sam