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30, Female, recently diagnosed autistic and returning to university!

Women with ASD
over 4 years ago

Hi all, 

This year I finally plucked up the courage to return to university having left higher education 9 years ago with a Foundation Degree. During this time I have had a number of jobs in fairly corporate organisations as a marketing manager. Having fallen into marketing I never really knew how to get out which is what has led me to finalise my degree to create new opportunities. As part of my plans I decided to get a disabled student assessment done to ascertain whether I struggled with any form of Dyslexia. The result of which identified diagnoses of both Dyslexia and Dyscalculia. I was also asked to return for further assessment into possible Complex Neurodevelopmental Disorders which identified ASD.

I have welcomed my diagnoses and my family have been very supportive but it has come as a bit of a shock. I can’t help feeling immensely frustrated to only be learning of these diagnoses now. I have always put my differences and resulting conflicts with people down to bad luck, wrong place at the wrong time, kind of stuff. At times I have even decided it was just me that I was somehow unlikeable and unfriendly. Or maybe even perhaps the rest of the world is too mean and me too sensitive. Either way I have often felt I was on one side and everyone else the other, each side present but experiencing and seeing the world from different perspectives. I often find I have a way of making men around me defensive as if they feel somehow threatened. While women on the other hand seem to feel judged by me, as if they are reading something into what I say or how I say it that I know is not there. I dislike small talk, detest banter and find gossip distasteful and mean. I guess when you are unable to participate in such "normal" conversational fluff it is easy to feel on the outside. I guess I have always felt I have had to work ten times harder than others to get on in life and perhaps now I understand why. So why is it that it doesn’t feel any easier, if knowledge is power then why do I not feel empowered. 

I am not entirely sure what I am hoping for in writing this but at the moment having just started university it does feel like I am going through this steep learning curve alone. Despite my university attempting to understand and offering me support I keep hearing phrases like "you just need to learn to calm down" - "relax, give yourself a break" - "be more flexible" - "everyone is on the spectrum in one way or another" - "everyone experiences that in different degrees". When someone says something like this to me it feels hollow, meaningless, empty and patronising. Not to mention the fact that it seems to trivialise something that to me is very difficult, complex and challenging and all this coming from those who are there to “help” me.

So I guess that's why I am here. I am hoping to speak to other women who can relate to my experience and perhaps are even a few years ahead of me and can shed some light on what’s to come. How do I make sense of this without feeling defined by it? How can I find strategies to avoid the conflicts that seem to repeat themselves? How do I learn to manage my anxiety? How can I help myself so I feel less helpless?

Parents
  • over 4 years ago

    Hi,
    I may be more than a couple of years ahead of you as I have just finished a PhD so have multiple years experience as a female in higher education. I have a couple of brief comments which I would help you.

    • Well done for discussing with the university, it is the first step for any adaptations. If you keep getting these sort of comments, it may be worth chatting with the disability services to see how best to respond to these type of comments. When I had similar comments via email to the ones you mention, it ended up that disability services making the person aware that was inappropriate/possible discrimination.
    • What is to come really depends on your course and university e.g. in Scotland, all university courses have an extra year which may be able to skip if sciences when compared to England. I may be able to advise more if I know a bit more about you.
    • I wonder whether there are study skills tutors at your university to work with you so you feel less helpless. Alternatively, this may be something that could be provided through a disabled student allowance. Another option is to try and rephrase this sort of issue of helpless is to try and concentrate on what you have managed to do successfully and areas for improvement.

    I am willing to chat further if t would help you.

    R

Reply
  • over 4 years ago

    Hi,
    I may be more than a couple of years ahead of you as I have just finished a PhD so have multiple years experience as a female in higher education. I have a couple of brief comments which I would help you.

    • Well done for discussing with the university, it is the first step for any adaptations. If you keep getting these sort of comments, it may be worth chatting with the disability services to see how best to respond to these type of comments. When I had similar comments via email to the ones you mention, it ended up that disability services making the person aware that was inappropriate/possible discrimination.
    • What is to come really depends on your course and university e.g. in Scotland, all university courses have an extra year which may be able to skip if sciences when compared to England. I may be able to advise more if I know a bit more about you.
    • I wonder whether there are study skills tutors at your university to work with you so you feel less helpless. Alternatively, this may be something that could be provided through a disabled student allowance. Another option is to try and rephrase this sort of issue of helpless is to try and concentrate on what you have managed to do successfully and areas for improvement.

    I am willing to chat further if t would help you.

    R

Children
  • over 4 years ago in reply to NAS69218

    "everyone is on the spectrum in one way or another" 

    i find that offensive because it simly isnt true. I sceam inside when I hear that.

    not getting at you Slight smile

    be careful of universities, many are desparate for money at moment. 

    What are you going to study ? 

    Right now most universities are teaching online so I feel they arent as good as they where.before Covid-19.

    just some thoughts that come to mind

    Q1 How do I learn to manage my anxiety?

    Q2 How can I help myself so I feel less helpless?

    ANS : up mental strength by getting into Mindfulness then sitting/walking Meditation

    step 1 : watch some videos in Youtube ( : search for "Guided meditation for anxiety", "mindfulness explained"

    step2 DO IT ...... follow a guided meditation ( free from Youtube )

    step3  get back to me and let me know how it went


    Heart