New here - and in shutdown

Hi I'm a 37 year old mum of an autistc daughter (13) who wasnt diagnosed until she was nearly 11 after 7 years of struggles. She also has spd and alot of anxiety difficulties. 

The more I learn about and experiance her reality in life the more I've recognised my own struggles through life and genuinely feel I might be an autistic adult.

 I've had many struggles in the past and at one point was taking anti anxiety medication after my mum passed away and I experianced ptsd type symptoms as a result of watching her pass.

I was doing better but am now struggling again .....lockdown changed my whole life and routine as the children were alm at home and being educated, I found out I was pregnant (very unexpectedly) at the start of lockdown and my dad has just been given weeks to live after the finding of a tumour on his pancreas.

It feels like theres alot of expectations of me that I just cant meet and I've felt more and more isolated from everyone as the weeks and months have gone on.

At the start of llockdown I was staying in and all the children stayed here film time due to specific circumstances ....but in all honesty my anxiety about getting the virus and dying was the main factor I was so ok with it. 

As time has gone on I've been to shops and weve eaten out in the last few weeks but I'm still very anxious about the virus, during the day I dont go anywhere as I dont drive and am absolutely not happy using public transport yet (though I've used it all my life and its never been an issue) 

The pregnancy caught me completly off guard and I so wasnt ready for it all .....infact I hate all of it. I'm happy to be a mum again and I am excited about that but every bit of the pregnancy period is difficult for me and the anxiety of birth is growing now. 

My dads illness is also tricky ....I have 3 sisters who are all very emotional beings and I'm not, they also dont really understand me, never have, but dont really understand my daughter or autism in general so i always feel odd with them. 

Ive seen my dad and accepted that he will die but I dont feel that I need to be with him every minute between now and then. When I saw him, we chatted, laughtled and talked about the baby. He was practical talking about things he wanted after he was gone (which I know he hasn't done with my sisters ) we hugged when I left and told each other we loved each other and I feel like that was our goodbye, I dont need another. 

Equally i cant shake the anxiety that if I see him again I will potentially witness him die -like i did with my mum and i cant go through that again. But they want to keep planning things and I just feel like they think I'm being heartless and cold and letting everyone down. 

So all in all I just find myself in my house day after day, unless I have the midwife or need to go and get something once my partner is home. I'm happy while at home,.its definitely my share space, but I am finding it hard with everyone else being there constantly too and the feeling of groundhog day that comes midweek. 

I find myself doing small housework jobs that are needed and then binge watching tv series whilst resting ....I tend to switch between afew different ones (big bang theory, friends, rupaul's drag race, sherlock, greys anatomy, new Amsterdam, Lucifer etc) 

I'm normally awake until the early hours and sleep till 8am ish. Sometimes I will nap for an hour in the afternoon, but that has only come on since the pregnancy. 

Once the weekend comes I want to not be in the house for abit but have no preference for where we go or what we do .....its like my decision making skills have completly gone for anything, where to go, what to do, what I want to eat etc and it ends up frustrating my other half 

After this feeling I just want to retreat back to the safety and security  feeling of my house and cant wait for Monday to come again. 

Does this seem like shutdown to anyone here ? Can shutdown go on for weeks or months if the things causing it also occur for long periods? As a person who was doubted with her daughter for so long, although I see traits in myself i lack the confidence to really say to myself 'I believe I'm autistic' so when it comes to moments like this I read lots of articles to try to find the common points that would suggest why I'm struggling but even if find them I struggle to give myself permission for it to be ok. 

If I cant decide how I  feel or why I feel it then I have no idea how to even begin to help those around me understand me. 

Any thoughts from anyone would be so welcomed because I feel so alone and so different to anyone else in my life atm. X