Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I’m trying to figure out whether or not it’s worth me giving everything my all to try and get the life that I want. My dad says that I can get such a life if I try really hard and overcome the barriers like anxiety and ocd. My mum says it’s not worth the mass amount of pressure it’s going to cause me. I’m confused about it and don’t know what to do.
Currently I’m at home, where I’ve been all my life. I’m 23 and have never had a job yet, I did look a few years back but no one hired me. I’ve never had a girlfriend. I rarely go out and despite driving sometimes with my sister I don’t hold a license.
The life I want is one as a husband and father, someone who works and can drive as well. On the grand scheme of things these aren’t that difficult for most people but for someone with Autism like me and you it’s about the hardest thing I can think of doing. I do want to make these things happen but at the same time I know it’s years of work. I don't cope with stress and I have little problems with the autism which make things extra difficult, ADHD, emetophobia and anxiety disorder. My ocd and anxiety aren’t in a good place and in the past the gp has been less than helpful. I feel like I’m on my own and only I can turn my life around but I have no idea how to do it, or if I can withstand the pressure.
Any help with this would be appreciated. Thanks!
-Goose.
All of these things - recovering from mental illness, getting a job, learning to drive, meeting someone and setting up a family etc. - all take lots of hard work, especially if you have some kind of barrier (such as autism). So in that respect, your dad is right - there are lots of people with autism that have recovered from mental illness, have gotten a decent job, have learned to drive, and have settled down and set up a family. Ask any of them, and they'll all say that it took a lot of work to do, but they're happy they did so. Having said that, you have to know your boundaries - willpower isn't enough to overcome some kinds of problems - e.g. some people simply can't drive because of some aspects of their autism being more severe.
So I think it's really important to know what and where your boundaries are if you can - e.g. whether you can ever drive or not. For the places where the boundaries are looser, you can work hard to push them, and for the ones you can't, you accept that it's a limitation that you have to adapt to.
Whether you have everything or nothing in life, we all have to make the best of our situation, and work hard to get what we want. Wish you the best with your endeavors! <3
You can do anything you want to - if you have the energy to stick with it. You're very young so there's a good chance that you don't know your own capabilities yet. Do you have anyone external to your family who knows you well and can give you honest feedback?
Have you considered what type of work you could actually do? What wouldn't stress you out? What can you cope with on a regular basis?
Do you think you can learn to drive or is it all too much?
These are things that you are in charge of - you can make or break the successful completion of those tasks.
Relationships are more complicated because it involves a second person and they have their own mind and own desires & plans so finding a match is hard - do you have a social life?.
Of course pursuing your goals and aspirations is always worth your wile. Surely you won't be satisfied with staying in your room for the rest of your life. It is not worth comparing yourself with others but measure yourself vs yourself. Setting goals and progressing towards them will give you sense of agency and satisfaction.
I know what you are talking about as my elder daughter was in similar situation for a while. Now she is studying and is much more positive about herself.
It is not about putting more pressure or 'trying harder', but rather trying at your pace and differently. I think mentoring could help you dramatically. Ir will support and guide you through setting a few goals and moving towards them without the pressure and try harder approach, at your pace.
NDSA run a mentoring programme right now, it is primarily about work, but nit necessarily, you could set yourself a few goals and they may not be related to work. Check this out https://ndsa.uk/tool-up/
Anything is worth it if you want it that badly. Your Mom only wants to protect you, but sometimes over protection can do more harm than good. If you believe strongly enough in what you want to achieve, you go for it. We have one life, live it to the best of your ability.
Start of by writing down your goals and pick one to work on. So for example learning to drive could be your first goal. Focus your attention on one thing at a time and maybe things would not be as overwhelming as say trying to learn to drive and looking for a job at the same time. Your Autism will make things harder for you and maybe some things wont be possible but it's worth giving things a try. Not everyone with Autism will have a job, a marriage and children because you all have different abilities and challenges. My brother is 31 with Autism and will never leave home, cant work and has no life really. My youngest daughter is 9 with Autism and I will guide her to be and do what she wants in life and even though things will be harder for her, I'll be there every step of the way with her.
They say Einstein had Autism, look at what he accomplished, he didnt let his Autism hold him back even though he probably faced challenges especially as Autism was not known in his day like it is now.
Life is going to throw challenges to you and you should be so proud of even wanting the things you do. Dont give up on your dreams, even if the way there is harder than it should be. You may suprise yourself and those around you with your ability to cope with things you've not faced before.
All the best
I guess there are things where you don't have a choice. You need take a step in some direction sooner or later.
I had anxiety issue all my life and had to learn things like meditation and concentration in order to find meaning in my conduct. It can be overwhelming, but you need rely on general (or ancient if you like) health practises, not just on a diagnosis, which serves you what but to get the right treatment ?
Let's pretend we are not alone.