Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone
When I was a child, I got in a lot of trouble. I didn't get on well with rules, and being told what to do by teachers, so I was often yelled at, told off, sent to the headteacher, etc. I was intelligent, and as I grew older and turned into a teenager this often manifested as being a "smart-***", telling teachers they were wrong (and not understanding why that meant I got shouted at) and correcting everyone's grammar. However I had a decent collection of friends and was generally able to "get along with anyone", mostly because I had been shouted at for so long that I had absolutely zero fear of teachers - after all, I knew that their escalating "punishment" strategy had a cap on it - they couldn't do anything worse than shout at me, and I was well used to that already. A few teachers cottoned on and were able to get alongside me and try to mentor me, but I was pretty far off the deep end of being totally disenfranchised with academia by that point.
Side-note: I've been told I'm extremely verbose, and ought to work on concision.
My mum, who has her own (undiagnosed) mental health issues which cause her to be extremely volatile and abusive towards those around her, as well as manipulative and callous, had a bit of a problem with my teachers constantly complaining to her that her child "lacked discipline" and needed to "respect authority" so she tried (in vain) to instil discipline in me. She tried everything - shouting at me, removing privileges [like my xbox and PC], even hitting me didn't work (I have a high pain threshold). Once, she sat on my chest, pushing all the air out of my lungs, causing me to fear for my life - but that still did nothing to make me want to do my homework!
After exhausting these parenting techniques, she decided that there must be something "wrong" with me and sent me to the doctor.
About five psychiatrists and several GPs later, I was awarded with a diagnosis of "borderline" Asperger's Syndrome. I don't think the psychiatrist meant to imply that I had a mixture of borderline syndrome and asperger's, rather that my asperger's was "on the border" of being diagnosable.
This has always left me with a conundrum: did my mum simply "shop around" to get me a diagnosis that massaged her ego, proving to herself that she wasn't to blame for my poor behaviour ("there's nothing I could have done, he has a mental disorder"), or do I actually have asperger's? Is it some mixture of the two?
Compounding this issue is the fact that, several years after the diagnosis, I saw the GP on my own and she suggested we remove the diagnosis from my records as I wasn't getting any treatment. I agreed to this, and my mum hit the roof when she found out. At this point I was old enough to leave, though, and around that time (or shortly after) I left the country and lived in Sweden for five years.
Here's the rub: I've always had problems with employment. After about two years of any job, I tend to get worn out and small parts of my teenage rebellious self start slipping through the cracks. I put up more resistance towards being told what to do, I can get abrasive with colleagues, and I get impatient with people working in sloppy ways more quickly. I'm a software developer, so this manifests as frustrations with people not adequately testing their solutions, or using "hacks" to lazily fix something that would take effort to fix properly. This is slowly happening at my current workplace, but the COVID-19 lockdown disrupting my normal working patterns seems to have accelerated the process and exacerbated the problems I'm having.
So, I'm AsparagusMaybe - because I may be an asparagus (but I may just be a naughty child who was misdiagnosed due to an egotistic mother not wanting to admit to herself that she might be a bad parent).
Ask me anything!
Hmm, interesting. I wasn't diagnosed as a child, but as I'm an older adult autism was far less understood then than it is now (and knowledge is still quite patchy even now!)
I've always loved language - reading age was always two years ahead and was top of the class in spelling. But having a good grasp of written language - or even being verbose - does not automatically transfer into good verbal communication skills, which is what we tend to struggle with more.
I identify with the 2 year work fatigue, which has happened to me so many times. The boredom with doing the same tasks every day, the anxiety of being asked to do things that weren't in my job remit or to work at or travel to an unfamiliar location, the indignation at being expected to do tasks that were above my pay grade and being refused a pay rise, the frustration of seeing others not being able to remember how to carry out straightforward tasks and being generally sloppy workers while being paid more than me.
I am jealous of your job though. I did have an interest in computers and gaming, and I enjoy creative work, but home computers, consoles and video games weren't around until I was in my 20s and it didn't occur to me then to pursue a career in that area, but I imagine it to be really absorbing. Perhaps I'm seeing it through "rose tinted glasses" though because I work in an accounting role and admire the work that goes into games.
Have you taken the AQ50 test online? What was your score? (If you don't know about this, it's an accepted initial screening test giving a good indication of whether you are on the spectrum)
You don't need to be diagnosed by a doctor to be an Aspie. You sound intelligent enough to work out for yourself if you are an "Asparagus" or not!
Thank you for your reply!
I just took the AQ50 test on psychology-tools.com and scored 36/50, indicating "significant Autistic traits". I've taken online tests before and usually score highly, so I'm not too surprised.
As far as the job goes, it definitely has its perks but there are some rather large downsides as well. I don't get to work on games, unfortunately, I started my career with online gambling which was certainly an exciting and interesting domain to work in but I transitioned accidentally into ad-tech which has proven to be a dull and cynical kind of domain full of lies and cheating (I'm not saying that my current workplace participates in that sort of thing, but it's certainly prevalent in the industry) - which sounds weird to say when I started in a gambling company, but genuinely the gambling company was far more interested in being fair and equitable than any marketing company I've worked for. I'd certainly like to get back towards the entertainment sector as that's really where my passion lies, and I work on my own games as side projects when I have the mental capacity to do so.
What kind of games do you play?
Oh, there's an example of my poor communication skills - interpreting something someone said as what I think it means & jumping to a conclusion. Of course "Software Developer" doesn't necessarily mean games development - doh!
I used to think that work was only worthwhile if you did something that kept your interest. But I've realised that every job can get tedious for various reasons, and for me having a role where I feel valued and comfortable with co-workers seems to work best. I think part of the reason I feel more comfortable at work now is that I have stopped trying to fit in and please others and I do what I feel like. If I want to attend a work lunch I will, but I won't go to the work Christmas party because I won't enjoy it. I quite enjoy being different to the expectations of others and a bit of a rebel, and can joke about it. This approach seems to have gained me respect, but my colleagues are all pretty easy going generally so I've been lucky with this job. It's taken me years to get here though and I believe that if you feel you are in the wrong job you should move on.
I play The Sims mostly, although I have played a variety of others, including Mass Effect, South Park (The stick of truth) and guitar hero. I also like to play Tetris and Scrabble on my tablet. I like the creative element of the Sims - building & decorating houses & community lots and creating characters, and as I've always liked fantasy fiction and movies/TV series I've enjoyed playing the vampire, alien, spellcaster, mermaid and robot life forms too.