Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone. I'm 20 years old and have just been diagnosed with ASD (Aspergers).
I have never been 'normal'. I'm too clever and capable while also totally socially inept. I've had meltdowns all my life. I often regress into a younger version of myself and loose my communication if I am anxious. I can't deal with change or new situations. I flap and stim. I had a dummy and sucked my thumb until I was 12. My senses are crazy heightened, the way I see the world is different and this has always been the case. Why. Why when its soooo obvious - Why did no-one 'see' me?
I deserve an oscar for my masking skills, but I wasn't always this good. Before the teasing and berating from my family about my 'stupid, silly, childish' behaviour (e.g. stimming, having meltdowns, my 'baby voice') I was just weird quirky little me. How did the teachers miss it? How did GPs etc miss it?
I don't really understand- I feel confused and frustrated and sad and angry. I have managed to cope with some incredible trials, that perhaps if I'd been diagnosed I wouldn't have managed, purely due to not building up the survival skills. But I don't want to live my life 'coping'. And genuinely- that is an accurate representation- coping, copying and pasting, imitating, surviving.
Anyone have some advice? Resources you think I may find helpful? Gone through a similar thing?
Thanks <3
Though I have not been assessed, as I write this, I would be rather surprized if I am not on the spectrum. Actually, so many pieces now fit that I would feel lost if I found out I wasn't on the spectrum. I write this not having had an assessment yet.
When I look back to my educational life I really ask myself how no one picked it up? From a very early age it was soo obvious!
When I mentioned to an older gentleman that I was waiting to be assessed, his wife, who is a secondary school teacher of a large modern school said "No way are you autistic. You are not dissabled. You dont have a wheelchair". Now this is part of the problem. The concept people have of what they think autism is, is warped into assuming that those on the autistic spectrum have a severe physical dissability, and yes, some do... But as the news tends to centre around the worst cases, people assume that only those that have physical dissabilities through it are on the spectrum. (I actually thought this as for quite a few years I had people occasionally tell me or ask me if I had autism or aspergers syndrome.. I could not relate due to my concept of what I thought it was. I used to think to myself "I am able bodied. I am not autistic". Why do they say that?" Why did they think I am?)