Anger management for son with ASD

The aggression is a symptom of him not being able to make sense of his world.   We tend to need logic and reasons to do things and often the adults around us demand chaotic actions and tell us things that make no sense or cannot really be true - we are just supposed to just deal with and accept all this randomness and it causes us stress and anxiety that we can't deal with.  

Have you looked at his world and how the surrounding randomness impinges on him?    How crazy/chaotic are school rules?  How noisy or random is home life?     Does he have anything where he can take refuge from it all and does he get to indulge in hobbies or something that he can control or enjoy to dissipate the anger within?

I have spent years looking into his world but im aware i will never truly understand. 

He enjoys school because of its structure and rigidity, home life is good however a little stressful at times because im studying full time and so his routines can sometimes be interrupted but we avoid this as much as we possibly can. 

He doesnt seem to understand why people are not accepting of him lashing out, and im sure he feels frustrated. He loves to play computer games and he is fascinated with historical architecture, but he is very switched on and has learned that if he kicks off at school he will be allowed to play computer games or read books away from class. 

Thankyou for replying 

Then another thing to consider is everything he has to do where the outcome is not 100% predictable will cause him stress - any unknowns need excessive brain-processing worrying about the outcome.    This normally manifests itself in a desire to over-control our surroundings - limiting options guarantees outcomes.

It sounds like he's learned to control his surroundings by violence - it's the quickest way to avoid the stress of unknowns and gets him directly to something controllable that he likes.    That would indicate that he finds school stressful and interacting with the others is too complicated at times - and when he's had enough, he doesn't have the maturity or ability to remove himself calmly from the situation, the structure only allows him to stay in the stress until he blows up.

There are a couple of things to find out - what is the trigger that causes him to want to escape the situation and what is his threshold before he blows.    Then it's a balance of trying to increase his threshold to allow him to stay in lessons compared to his well-being of taking the stress.   That might need extra home management of de-stressing him so he has the reserves to manage the next day.  

There's always the problem of him deciding that violence is the preferred way to quickly get anything he wants.

Out of interest, what days does he blow up - the beginning of the week or the end or is it specific lessons or subjects that he struggles with?

Thankyou for that recommendation, i will certainly be buying that, we have read 'the reason i jump' together to help him try to understand himself a little bit more and for me to put things into perspective. We have been recommended a book called 'my hidden chimp' however this seems to be aimed at a younger target audience. 

I will look into a school with a calmer environment, there are a couple of academies which he is very eager to attend but they wont take him until he is 14 or 15. 

My son has also attempted to take his own life and displayed some eratic and impulsive behaviours, he has tried to ligature and throw himself out of a window. We have managed to conquer these by having a diary which we share together to write messages to each other in if he finds it hard to verbalize his feelings. 

His safe space is the toilet however this isnt an option at school as he has some concerns around contamination.

He is not able to describe the meaning of friendship so this doesnt mean much to him, he prefers to be alone.

Im glad you found a profession which suits you well! Im hoping that for my lad too, if he can apply himself he will go very far if he wants to! 

I did the same as a child. My 'family stories' were all fake. All because I didn't feel good enough inside myself.

My opinion too is that your son is clearly communicating that he finds school incredibly overwhelming. School can be incredibly difficult for individuals who have hypersensitivities to sensory stimulation. I used to come home exhausted and with a migraine every day, plus I'd hide under the dining room table as it was a calm space where I was left alone. My brother used to skip lessons to provide him with the break he needed to cope.

Your son may not be able to change how he behaves when he 'melts down' or it may take a considerable amount of time to develop new patterns. When I reach breaking point I experience suicidal thoughts. It isn't something I've been able to overcome, so instead, I've had to learn how to reduce my stress levels. For example, to take me out of the working environment I worked from home regularly. I also excercise a few times a week.

I do need significant amounts of control when I'm in an unsuitable environment and some people have mistakenly assumed this behaviour was issued with authority. For example, at work, I've rarely had meetings with line managers as I'm much more productive and effective if I choose and plan my own workload.

What is different about the lessons where your son can cope compared to the ones he can't? For example, are the teachers more effective at classroom management so the environment is quieter? Is there less interaction with other pupils?

Others who have been in a similar situation to you have looked at reduced timetables, as less time in school could help your son cope better. Some EHCP plans will fund private schools if the individual needs a much calmer environment, so this is another avenue to explore. Finally, homeschooling could be something to explore to.

Have you read the book below? I have a LO who is showing signs of autism and have been passing a copy around those who she spends time with as I think its an excellent guide to raising autistic children 

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Autism-Asperger-Syndrome-Childhood-diagnosed/dp/1847094929/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=luke+beardon+children&qid=1574410506&sr=8-2

Also - does he have friends or does he just tolerate others?   He may be very independent and just have no need for them - they may be just too much hassle - but if he's forced to interact with them (because teachers think we *need* friends) he'll just get angry about it all.

I remember being really fed up in English lessons - they kept insisting we had to write stories - which I considered to be making up a falsehood - a lie - and we're always told not to lie - so why would I do that?     I ended up as a scientist and was able to work on my own for much of my career.... 

Sounds like he can't cope with anything unstructured.    Maths = logic, science = logic, history is just a facts list - but anything else requires abstract thought and puts him into the unknown - where there are no obvious rules for him to understand and follow.    Playtime is just a load of stress where there's no structure - and he's forced to interact with others in an unstructured way - that's going to stress him out.  

We're bad with social situations at the best of times so if he's already stressed and forced to waste a ton of time in a chaotic environment, he'll be stressed to breaking.

I think you're right - he would probably be better off being able to avoid having to socialise with others if he can't cope with it - the library is a place of calm and logic - lots of books full of data to bury himself into.

Its usually at break times so we have discussed the option of him being able to stay in the library to read if he wants to. There doesnt seem to be a problem in maths, science and history classes its just the others. 

I think what triggers him is his understanding of authority too, for example, the teacher took hold of his coat during an incident in the playground so he hit her. He doesnt care who she is or how old or what position, she shouldnt touch his coat - which to me is understandable completely! 

I cant help thinking its other people that should change their understanding, not him. 

Im definitely going to spend more time during the evenings talking and reading with him if he will sllow me to. 

I dont want him to feel the way he does anymore

Its usually at break times so we have discussed the option of him being able to stay in the library to read if he wants to. There doesnt seem to be a problem in maths, science and history classes its just the others. 

I think what triggers him is his understanding of authority too, for example, the teacher took hold of his coat during an incident in the playground so he hit her. He doesnt care who she is or how old or what position, she shouldnt touch his coat - which to me is understandable completely! 

I cant help thinking its other people that should change their understanding, not him. 

Im definitely going to spend more time during the evenings talking and reading with him if he will sllow me to. 

I dont want him to feel the way he does anymore

Thankyou for that recommendation, i will certainly be buying that, we have read 'the reason i jump' together to help him try to understand himself a little bit more and for me to put things into perspective. We have been recommended a book called 'my hidden chimp' however this seems to be aimed at a younger target audience. 

I will look into a school with a calmer environment, there are a couple of academies which he is very eager to attend but they wont take him until he is 14 or 15. 

My son has also attempted to take his own life and displayed some eratic and impulsive behaviours, he has tried to ligature and throw himself out of a window. We have managed to conquer these by having a diary which we share together to write messages to each other in if he finds it hard to verbalize his feelings. 

His safe space is the toilet however this isnt an option at school as he has some concerns around contamination.

He is not able to describe the meaning of friendship so this doesnt mean much to him, he prefers to be alone.

Im glad you found a profession which suits you well! Im hoping that for my lad too, if he can apply himself he will go very far if he wants to! 

I did the same as a child. My 'family stories' were all fake. All because I didn't feel good enough inside myself.

My opinion too is that your son is clearly communicating that he finds school incredibly overwhelming. School can be incredibly difficult for individuals who have hypersensitivities to sensory stimulation. I used to come home exhausted and with a migraine every day, plus I'd hide under the dining room table as it was a calm space where I was left alone. My brother used to skip lessons to provide him with the break he needed to cope.

Your son may not be able to change how he behaves when he 'melts down' or it may take a considerable amount of time to develop new patterns. When I reach breaking point I experience suicidal thoughts. It isn't something I've been able to overcome, so instead, I've had to learn how to reduce my stress levels. For example, to take me out of the working environment I worked from home regularly. I also excercise a few times a week.

I do need significant amounts of control when I'm in an unsuitable environment and some people have mistakenly assumed this behaviour was issued with authority. For example, at work, I've rarely had meetings with line managers as I'm much more productive and effective if I choose and plan my own workload.

What is different about the lessons where your son can cope compared to the ones he can't? For example, are the teachers more effective at classroom management so the environment is quieter? Is there less interaction with other pupils?

Others who have been in a similar situation to you have looked at reduced timetables, as less time in school could help your son cope better. Some EHCP plans will fund private schools if the individual needs a much calmer environment, so this is another avenue to explore. Finally, homeschooling could be something to explore to.

Have you read the book below? I have a LO who is showing signs of autism and have been passing a copy around those who she spends time with as I think its an excellent guide to raising autistic children 

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Autism-Asperger-Syndrome-Childhood-diagnosed/dp/1847094929/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=luke+beardon+children&qid=1574410506&sr=8-2

Also - does he have friends or does he just tolerate others?   He may be very independent and just have no need for them - they may be just too much hassle - but if he's forced to interact with them (because teachers think we *need* friends) he'll just get angry about it all.

I remember being really fed up in English lessons - they kept insisting we had to write stories - which I considered to be making up a falsehood - a lie - and we're always told not to lie - so why would I do that?     I ended up as a scientist and was able to work on my own for much of my career.... 

Sounds like he can't cope with anything unstructured.    Maths = logic, science = logic, history is just a facts list - but anything else requires abstract thought and puts him into the unknown - where there are no obvious rules for him to understand and follow.    Playtime is just a load of stress where there's no structure - and he's forced to interact with others in an unstructured way - that's going to stress him out.  

We're bad with social situations at the best of times so if he's already stressed and forced to waste a ton of time in a chaotic environment, he'll be stressed to breaking.

I think you're right - he would probably be better off being able to avoid having to socialise with others if he can't cope with it - the library is a place of calm and logic - lots of books full of data to bury himself into.