Adult ASD

Hi NAS64131,

Sorry this is a longer reply than I thought it would be, but your post caused me to think through my own experience so that I could show you that you're not alone, and I can't make this story shorter!

Also sorry if this comes across as about me (I'm aware that I can come across that way). I wanted to share this story to see if you find anything that resonates with your experience but will admit that I felt sorry for myself as I was writing!

Being a parent when you have autism yourself can bring lots of challenges and differences to family dynamics, and I think it's something that hasn't been studied much (I haven't looked specifically, but I certainly haven't stumbled across anything). The focus of research, and discussion forums to an extent, seems to be "how to parent an autistic child" rather than "how to be an autistic parent".

In my own case, I'm a parent of 2 children and 2 stepchildren, all over 20 now. I didn't realise that I'm autistic (I'm now diagnosed as such) and that my dad is undiagnosed autistic, until I had "finished" the parenting job of getting the kids safely to 18 (I know the job is never "finished"!).

One of my own children doesn't talk to me and hasn't since about 7 years ago. My dad lives in his own world and we have barely a relationship apart from a natural fondness. My relationship with my mother has been difficult, and it's taken me decades to admit to myself that I'd be happier and in particular less anxious if I had almost nothing to do with her.

When my children tried to explain how they experienced me as a parent when they were growing up, I found that very little of what they were saying sunk in. Like you say, I got "You said hurtful things", "You didn't seem to care" etc. On the other hand, your last one "I didn't mean how *you* would feel" if I'm understanding what you mean correctly, is a criticism that *I* level towards *my* mother who, when I told her I felt suicidal, never once asked about my feelings but went into full-on drama queen mode about *her* emotions.

Looking back, there were of course some happy times bringing up my children and I do love them, but I don't get any warm & fuzzy feeling when I think of them; the main emotion that I get when I think of family, apart maybe for my dad and obviously my wife, is anxiety - mainly over what they might want from me.

I do "feel" loved by my stepchildren, but to be honest the only place I "feel" love from is my step children and my wife. I *know* that one of my daughters loves me, but I don't feel it.

Hope that tells you that you aren't alone, and maybe provides ideas to explore things a bit further if you want to.

Hi NAS64131,

Sorry this is a longer reply than I thought it would be, but your post caused me to think through my own experience so that I could show you that you're not alone, and I can't make this story shorter!

Also sorry if this comes across as about me (I'm aware that I can come across that way). I wanted to share this story to see if you find anything that resonates with your experience but will admit that I felt sorry for myself as I was writing!

Being a parent when you have autism yourself can bring lots of challenges and differences to family dynamics, and I think it's something that hasn't been studied much (I haven't looked specifically, but I certainly haven't stumbled across anything). The focus of research, and discussion forums to an extent, seems to be "how to parent an autistic child" rather than "how to be an autistic parent".

In my own case, I'm a parent of 2 children and 2 stepchildren, all over 20 now. I didn't realise that I'm autistic (I'm now diagnosed as such) and that my dad is undiagnosed autistic, until I had "finished" the parenting job of getting the kids safely to 18 (I know the job is never "finished"!).

One of my own children doesn't talk to me and hasn't since about 7 years ago. My dad lives in his own world and we have barely a relationship apart from a natural fondness. My relationship with my mother has been difficult, and it's taken me decades to admit to myself that I'd be happier and in particular less anxious if I had almost nothing to do with her.

When my children tried to explain how they experienced me as a parent when they were growing up, I found that very little of what they were saying sunk in. Like you say, I got "You said hurtful things", "You didn't seem to care" etc. On the other hand, your last one "I didn't mean how *you* would feel" if I'm understanding what you mean correctly, is a criticism that *I* level towards *my* mother who, when I told her I felt suicidal, never once asked about my feelings but went into full-on drama queen mode about *her* emotions.

Looking back, there were of course some happy times bringing up my children and I do love them, but I don't get any warm & fuzzy feeling when I think of them; the main emotion that I get when I think of family, apart maybe for my dad and obviously my wife, is anxiety - mainly over what they might want from me.

I do "feel" loved by my stepchildren, but to be honest the only place I "feel" love from is my step children and my wife. I *know* that one of my daughters loves me, but I don't feel it.

Hope that tells you that you aren't alone, and maybe provides ideas to explore things a bit further if you want to.