Believe Husband and 3 boys are on spectrum following assessment on youngest

Hi folks,

I'm just feeling very, very upset, broken hearted and very lonely at the moment and need to talk about my current situation. 

I separated from my Husband in January (we are still living together for the children).  I drove the decision.  I saw a pattern over the years and couldn't figure it out.  I put it down to me most of the time.  We were both very busy with life and as time evolved we pretty much were living different lives.  I did try to bring things together but this was always an effort as I'm quite impulsive and like adventure while my husband is at his happiest on his computer.  Arguments or even debates were always weird.  We never resolved any issue as I always felt my husband instantly became defensive even when it wasn't about him.  I would say to him I notice your becoming defensive and why?  He would always deny it and get angry.  I would use metaphors and he could never relate to it, he can never see my point of view.  A number of times I would implore with him and be upset and cry and he would just stand there or get angry with me.  Also, lots of gaslighting. A real lack of empathy.  It just never made  sense to me!!

On the other hand, he is fairly hands on with the kids, got involved with football, scouts but doesn’t really like to get involved in the running or pushing things forward.  In fact, he has never come to me with any problems, worries about the kids or anything really. We both love going out and doing family things. I practically got him his last job, any property, I organise getting the house painted, electricians.  If I ask him to do something to help sometimes he will but I feel that most of the time I find he isn't receiving these requests in the manner they are meant.  I'm not 100% sure but I feel like he is suspicious or defensive or something.  I find him very self-centred but I feel this is something he is not aware of; it is not intentional.  I hope I am making sense.  I knew something wasn't right and said this to my ex-husband a number of times but he is in denial.  He feels I am being dramatic, critical all the time but he says this even when I am just genuinely trying to help.  He is blaming me for everything and when I told him I wasn’t happy in our marriage and was very worried about it (I was very upset and crying) he simply said he was happy with things and left the room as if it was simply my problem!!

4 Weeks ago my youngest son 9 years old was assessed and the psychologist pointed to ASD.  With the conversation we had after I also discussed the boys(9, 13 and 15) and when my husband left the room, I respectfully briefly discussed my husband.  Everything the psychologist said fell into place.  With my new "goggles" on now I am seeing things completely differently and things make much more sense.  I am just so broken hearted and worried and over whelmed and time is of the essence, especially with the schools!!

My youngest has been having awful problems with his school.  Even though we managed to advise the teacher and Principal that he is not simply a bold child, that he has behaviour issues they are being very unhelpful and making things much worse for him.  His teacher even dragged him by the shirt out of the toilets where he ran to get away from her!  Dealing with this on top of everything else!!

Sorry huge moan, feeling like screaming really.  Any tips on potential ASD husband struggling to come to terms with his children (whom he loves) situation and his possible situation?

Thank you!