Published on 12, July, 2020
This will be about the autistic spectrum and NPD but I gotta spit first, sorry. I am in my sixties and sick and freakin tired of being beaten by those who are less able, less intelligent, less sensitive and altogether less brilliant than me MY WHOLE LIFE. I thought I was going to be a - dunno really, superstar, concert pianist, composer, celebrated person talking to the media... I have experienced what I now know is autism burn-out a couple of years ago.
I am hurt right now because I have just been rejected (that word!!) by an educational establishment, a conservatory, to study for a master's degree in composition. It was something I sorely wanted to do to get my life back on track. Because the truth is that I have spent my whole life playing keyboards, writing music, and quite often, talking to the media, the national media. I got quite near to something but couldn't grasp it. And I think that is to do with autism. I can't play people in the way I can now see that others do. That's something to do with not knowing what I "want" or need as well as problematic socialising.
I didn't get any higher education because my father blocked my wishes to study art and my teachers had never recognised my intelligence, ASD not known about then. I left school and started writing music for a heavy rock fusion band, like any good autistic muso kid. Boom! Dark depressing music. The important factor here is my father. He was also a musician, a capable singer but he chose security in a regular job. His father was a musician and his father before. My father, grandfather and great grandfather once all sang in the same choir. I am sure my father was autistic and there is diagnosed autism now elsewhere in my family. But I think it may be a particular kind of autism which I haven't seen identified which is linked to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Dad was, in my opinion, classic NPD. I think I am. A striking promo photograph of my grandfather is overly posed - he sought professional work. I think Dad didn't want me to study because he didn't like the idea of me succeeding. I think he was the only person who actually knew how well I understood music from a very early age, I know he did.
There are interesting posts on other forums about Asperger's and NPD, some about very successful people. I suppose that if I were to say there are certain traits in my family they would include high IQ, a successful narrow field of focus somehow coupled with a pressing need to perform. My Dad was a very busy amateur, and a very real Agamemnon. I love the stage but I think my strength is composing. I do have NPD type traits, disturbingly identical to my fathers but I know that I don't have to be seen to be appreciated. Asperger's is a self-centred condition and to some extent everyone will exhibit these traits, according to other blogs and I agree. But I think I am particularly difficult. I have a couple of friends but no peers. That's what I am looking for in trying to get into a conservatory. There is something in me that could turn into Marilyn Manson but I have the musical brains that means I can write for large ensembles. No one ever taught me a thing. It scores little it seems.
I was going to write some fantastic stormy music dealing with challenging themes - autism for one. I wonder what number of the graduate students that beat me will still be writing music in forty years? Grrrrrrrrrrr!
NB to NAS: NPD or Narcissism is not on the available tag list
I think most people squirm away from the term NPD, not realising that it is very similar to plain old autism, which, as you say, is very much all about the self.
I brought this up on here very recently but everyone who commented disagreed BECAUSE of that very reason, but it’s a misunderstanding.
They think that if you are self obsessed, you can’t possibly care about other people, which is so far from the truth, that if you know the truth, you know that’s it’s a totally ridiculous thing to say, but if you are so self obsessed, in the more commonly understood way of interpreting that, in that you care more about what others think about you than the truth, then this is what people would think because a popular meaning of self obsession in today’s culture/society, would suggest that if a person is self obsessed it means they don’t care about other people and that equals bad, in today’s society and a self obsessed person, unlike a non self obsessed person, would do just about anything rather than be seen as a bad or as a not so ‘nice’ person, which they think you can’t be it your self obsessed or selfish, not realising that humans are benefits driven creatures, meaning we are ALL selfish.
But I wasn’t taking about what popular culture/society thinks about the meaning of that word, I was simply pointing out that autism, literally means selfism and that’s why autistic people struggle with relationships and communication.
When I was working as a mental health practitioner, I actually diagnosed somebody with NPD, and he was one of the nicest people I have ever met and he really wanted help. It was heartbreaking because the psychiatrist I was working with, who was the head psychiatrist in that area, was not only impressed that I was able to diagnose it (I’ve had up close and personal experience, living with somebody with NPD, so I know a few things about it) but he was also excited because this was looking like a massive breakthrough.
However, because this guy has a criminal record with violence, I was not allowed to work with him by myself. The ‘rules’ said it was too dangerous, even though me and the psychiatrist said it wasn’t, and it wasn’t, but the rules state you have to have a forensic psychi worker involved as well, at all meetings, for safety purposes and because of the location we were in, it would literally takes months, if not years, before we could get the forensic team over as they worked out of the nearest city which was already understaffed, etc, so heartbreakingly, even with the head psychiatrists pushing it, we had to let this guy sit on a waiting list with no support until the forensic team could get involved.
I left before that happened so I don’t know what happened but we were really getting somewhere with this guy, which broke my heart, but he wasn’t the only one to break my heart when I worked in that team, which is what spurred me on to commit myself to my life long passion to get the relevant qualifications/insurance etc so I can work with these people in a different capacity, away from the limiting regulations.
Anyway, have you also considered you may also have ADHD? I have recently learned I have this also and I think it causes or has caused more problems for me than the autism. I haven’t dived in deep with understanding how it affects me yet and what I can do about it as I’m currently working on recognising my emotions (I’m working intensely on the autism stuff) so I can get a grip on those to minimise burn outs and suicidal intentions and ultimately, premature death through suicide.
I also tried Ritalin, twice (a friend gave me a couple to try) and the difference was like night and day! Honestly, they’re like a wonder drug (for me). I would never want to rely on them every day and I have no need to but they will certainly be a huge huge help when I want to get things done without all the avoidance and distractions, so I’m currently waiting for the ADHD psychiatrist to give me an appointment to see him as my doctor said she can’t prescribe Ritalin but she has assured me, that he will.
Don’t give up on your music, please, this is simply a temporary set back. I don’t know if you do have NPD, I suspect you don’t, I would sway more towards ASD with ADHD, high intelligence, highly creative and more self awareness than this world is currently ready for, or rather, more self awareness than the masses can cope with - the world is ready for your level of self awareness, but the masses are often like asses so they’ll never be able to cope with it, but it’s not about them, and the world definitely needs more self awareness, now, more than ever, so please don’t give in, think about how many lives your music will touch and how much good it will do. Don’t let the ******** grind you down.
I hear you, loud and clear and I urge you to not to give in and if ADHD rings any bells, check that out and yes, it can be very isolating when you have a higher intelligence than most people and coupled with a high level of self awareness and talent, as well as being raised with a father who didn’t want you to put do him, but when you hit they sweet spot in life, all that will disappear as you find your rightful place.
I hope getting this out of your head and on to paper helped you and I feel sure there’s a university, a better one than the one you previously tried, just waiting for you to show up. Wishing you all the best.
Thanks - good to hear from a professional. To be clear the question is not really about me - it's about the autism in my family and whether there is a particular kind of autism which has NPD characteristics which we could associate with autistic performers - Eminem for instance. I'd say it is certainly hereditary and a dominant gene passed through males - I am the only son. Females in the family are ASD diagnosed also but don't have to get on a stage to feel they've had a good day! One is a scientist. The hypothesis would be it's males get the NP bit. It's the case in my family anyway and I wonder if it's found elsewhere.
Your paragraph that begins "Don't give up" (thank you) is brilliant. It makes me see something about what I am saying and it's this: the need to perform is beyond the need simply to communicate. Art is more than the stuff its made of. The "narcissistic" element for me is to do with feeling that it is extremely important that I be heard. It is seeing connections between disparate things and needing to ask questions or draw things together in a way that isn't normal communication. It's more than a feeling, it's a pathology that has driven me forever. It's how my life began - no friends, no social life until some kids who were musos heard me at the piano and suddenly I had a gang. And then you don't.
In recent years I often joked that I wasn't really a musician I was just ill. Good joke!