Published on 12, July, 2020
It's not easy to put into words where I am at the moment so I'm just going to type and see what happens.
34/m
I've had trouble as far back as I can remember, making friends, interacting with others and it's always been referred to as shy, quiet, etc It's something I'd have hoped would get better over the years but recently I feel crushed with it all and well here I am looking for answers or more optimistically, a solution to it all.
I feel I've done alright in life considering, got a great wife that tries hard to understand me and my oddities and managed to start my own business and earn a good income.
So the problems.Social interaction for me isn't a hurdle, it's Everest.
Unless it's strictly business, I will avoid it at any cost which means a lot of the time I wander through life eyes to the floor, with my back to others and rushing through social situations.I must look like an absolute nutter and once I get a whiff that someone finds me evasive or odd there's no coming back, I can never face them again.
It's really fricking hard and like I saw has always been that way as long as I can remember.Small talk is by far the most difficult aspect, for me it feels pointless and awkward. To speak for the sake of speaking is an alien concept.Eye contact is horrible, at times I can struggle even with my own wife who I've known for 16 years.
I struggle to use peoples names, even when they're not present. I will often refer to people as 'the tall, short, thin guy', 'so and so's friend', anything to distance myself from naming them. I know it's odd
There are tonnes of other personality traits I could waffle on about and they all take their toll.Sometimes I feel like I have no soul.
I guess I'm here because I feel that maybe I slipped through the net, why was I just labelled quiet all my life. To finally know there was actually a reason for the way I am would be a big help in improving things.This is the first time i've really reached out other than jokey hints with my wife.
Appreciate any thoughts or opinions :-)
I think it is really good that you have been able to articulate your difficulties so well. All I can say is that I feel exactly the same. I am 46 and was only diagnosed last year so can completely relate to having years of difficulties with no explanation. Now that I know about autism, it makes more sense and I have been able to adjust my life. FIrstly, I am not so hard on myself about social interaction and other things that I find difficult. Secondly, I make sure that I have plenty of time to rest and be on my own. I am sure you will find your own ways of coping but it is an amazing first step to actually know the reasons behind your difficulties I feel. You absolutely do have a soul - you are just a bit different to some people. I am sure that you will gradually see that in addition to facing some challenges - you have lots of strengths too!