I have been with my partner for the last 10 years. He is undiagnosed but I am 100% sure is aspie although I’m also pretty sure he would deny it himself. I’ve been aware of his traits for the entire duration of our relationship and in the main, we get along great. He is very high functioning, clever, sweet, kind and creative and I believe our relationship has been generally fulfilling for both of us. I continue to struggle, however, with lack of physical contact. Only on a handful of occasions has he initiated a hug or a kiss himself.
I got overwhelmed and upset due to feelings of rejection about 4 years ago and we separated for 6 months. There were issues going on in my life and I felt that he wasn’t able support me nor give me the comfort I was needing at that time. Despite this, I always knew that he loved me and we got back together. He struggles so much with expressing his emotions and in spite of that he agreed to go to relationship counselling with me which made me realise how much he wanted to make it work. Plus I simply missed him so much when we were apart.
At that time I decided that if I needed a hug I would just hug him if I wanted, regardless of whether he reciprocated. I’ve carried on that way since then and I believe we’ve been pretty good since. Although I have had spells of feeling sad about us not being a ‘normal’ couple they’ve passed pretty quickly in the face of all the good things we have together.
Very recently though I have started to wonder about whether me ‘taking’ the comfort I wanted is the right thing to do. I have been plagued by the worry that I am violating him and his personal space in some way. I have tried to talk to him about it and tell him that I am sorry if I have caused him discomfort. He said it was ‘fine’ but didn’t deny it, which just about broke my heart. He has also promised to try harder to be affectionate with me, but I don’t want him to do anything he doesn’t like. I haven’t touched him since and he has gingerly touched me a couple of times but he is clearly uncomfortable when he does it.
I don’t know what to do now - whether I should just continue doing as I have the last few years, or whether I should stop contact unless he initiates it himself. I wondered whether we could reach an agreement that he would speak up if he wasn’t happy with anything I was doing, but I know he is aware of how important physical contact is to me and I don’t really trust that he would let me know.
I love him to bits but I have no idea how to handle this.
Hi I am new on here and just by coincidence looked up why my partner was like he was? I have been with my partner for 8 years and they have been quite hard years, as by now I thought we would know each other really well, but some days I don’t know him at all and wander why if he loves me why he says such horrible things and doesn’t show any feelings to me or ask how I am ?
I found your post and it’s so familiar -he never instigates anything romantic and the other day I was upset about it and my hospital apt and I asked if I could talk to him , he wasn’t interested he ignored me completely
when I asked if he was happy like this he said yes ? I guess as a women we need to be re-assured about feelings and we have been through a lot together
i need to know if there’s any info on how to get him to listen to me about my feelings as I’m getting to the point of walking out
he won’t entertain the idea he’s got a problem or even go get a test so I’m just reading as much as I can on here
what did you do ?
Does he have any family members with autism? When my husband’s mum got diagnosed he decided to get it done himself as he knew deep down he was probably autistic.
If your partner is autistic, it could be that he doesn’t mean to be hurtful, but is responding in a way that doesn’t generally meet our expectations of what someone should react like if they love you.
If you are very specific about what you want him to do then it’s easier for him to understand e.g. come to dinner with me on Tuesday at 6pm as I want to spend time with you, can you buy this (exact thing) from (exact place) which is located (particular aisle)
It sounds like he’s happy with you. I feel your frustration about needing more romance. Try to be direct about what you need. Don’t say it when you’re emotional though - try writing it in a text and keeping it very simple and direct
Thank you for your advise it’s more confusing than I thought it would be in that after 8 years, I thought he would have learnt to adapt more ? Or does that not happen ? I don’t know ?
eg I am off for the week so I skied him if he was going to be around so we could do something together he replied bluntly if I was off I would be going to a bike show !!
when he says it in a rather blunt way it doesn’t make me feel very happy and yet if I say no to him he won’t talk to me for ages it’s like he’s allowed to be nasty but I’m not ?
Still trying to understand