Published on 12, July, 2020
Well I don't really know where to start. I suppose I should say straight away that I am very confused and may be an overanxious NT here under false pretences. For my entire life I have felt very different to almost everyone I meet. I assumed I am just an extreme introvert who gets exhausted by people easily (why is solitary confinement used as a punishment in prison? It honestly sounds like bliss). I'd love to make some friends because I feel like I rely on my husband too much, he's my only friend really which doesn't seem healthy. He agrees, and has tried to help me make friends by taking me to social gatherings and introducing me to nice people and then he waits for me to "do the thing" that makes you friends with someone, and I've NEVER known how to "do the thing" and I get upset and dispirited. Is there some kind of secret handshake involved that I was never taught? That's how it feels.
It may be ignorance but I have always thought that autistic persons struggle to read facial expressions. I would rate my expression reading ability as a bit better than average if anything, I have to be good at it for my job. This is partly the source of my confusion--I spend all day with patients; breaking bad news sensitively, comforting them, teaching them complex things, helping them set goals etc. And I'm really good at it! I've won awards! Then I go home and my husband has to order the takeaway because I'm terrified at the prospect of speaking to someone I don't know on the phone. And he has to pay for it because I can't do maths and speak to the delivery person and not have a breakdown at the same time. I wish I could be work mode me all the time as she is great! Calm... reassuring.... in control. Sadly, she disappears when I step out of the hospital.
I have a whole host of anxiety disorders- GAD, hypochondria and the most debilitating one for me is agoraphobia. CBT helped a little but not greatly.
So to sum up I think I am either on the spectrum or am NT with some really troublesome quirks. I don't know. I would really like to interact with some people in this forum to find out if I feel more comfortable with AS folk. I hope that doesn't seem disrespectful as I don't mean it to be. I'm just trying to figure stuff out and the more research I do the more bewildered I get.
I have a work me and a not at work me too. At work I am highly organised at home I'm a bit of a mess. I can be really patient with the children I work with but adults have got no chance. My assessor said it is to do with my motivation. I like work so I am able to do these things. I dislike housework so it doesn't get done.
I share your hatred of the phone.
When I was assessed he explained that to be autistic you have to fit into more than one area. You don't have to have every trait that ever existed therefore it's perfectly likely that you can read facial expression and still be autistic. To be autistic you would need to have difficulties with communication, social interaction, sensory issues and rigidity of thought. If your issues are all social then it would likely be more to do with anxiety I would have thought. If you also have sensory difficulties and rigid thought patterns then autism is likely.
Have you tried taking the online aq test? It can give a good indicator before you think about possibly getting a diagnosis.