Published on 12, July, 2020
Well I don't really know where to start. I suppose I should say straight away that I am very confused and may be an overanxious NT here under false pretences. For my entire life I have felt very different to almost everyone I meet. I assumed I am just an extreme introvert who gets exhausted by people easily (why is solitary confinement used as a punishment in prison? It honestly sounds like bliss). I'd love to make some friends because I feel like I rely on my husband too much, he's my only friend really which doesn't seem healthy. He agrees, and has tried to help me make friends by taking me to social gatherings and introducing me to nice people and then he waits for me to "do the thing" that makes you friends with someone, and I've NEVER known how to "do the thing" and I get upset and dispirited. Is there some kind of secret handshake involved that I was never taught? That's how it feels.
It may be ignorance but I have always thought that autistic persons struggle to read facial expressions. I would rate my expression reading ability as a bit better than average if anything, I have to be good at it for my job. This is partly the source of my confusion--I spend all day with patients; breaking bad news sensitively, comforting them, teaching them complex things, helping them set goals etc. And I'm really good at it! I've won awards! Then I go home and my husband has to order the takeaway because I'm terrified at the prospect of speaking to someone I don't know on the phone. And he has to pay for it because I can't do maths and speak to the delivery person and not have a breakdown at the same time. I wish I could be work mode me all the time as she is great! Calm... reassuring.... in control. Sadly, she disappears when I step out of the hospital.
I have a whole host of anxiety disorders- GAD, hypochondria and the most debilitating one for me is agoraphobia. CBT helped a little but not greatly.
So to sum up I think I am either on the spectrum or am NT with some really troublesome quirks. I don't know. I would really like to interact with some people in this forum to find out if I feel more comfortable with AS folk. I hope that doesn't seem disrespectful as I don't mean it to be. I'm just trying to figure stuff out and the more research I do the more bewildered I get.
hello and welcome - love that comment about solitary confinement!
I too have contradictions - I am a teacher and am happy in front of a bunch of stroppy teens...yet like you, dread speaking on the phone
Maybe do some of the online AS tests if you fancy?
Hi. A teacher of teens! Wow. Teenagers are terrifying so you have my utmost respect.
I have done a couple of online tests and both placed me a couple of points into the AS zone. I have some doubts over how accurate they are for me because of my raging hypochondria though. I dread seeing those "look out for these signs" posts on Facebook because I develop the symptoms instantly and spend the next 3-7 days utterly convinced I am dying. So I really can't be sure if I think I have Asperger's because I have this weird suggestible streak, or I have this suggestible streak because I have Asperger's? I REALLY don't want to be that person who blithely blames all their troubles on autism when they haven't actually got it. It must be deeply insulting to those who are genuinely struggling with it.
I am seriously considering pursuing a formal diagnosis but I want to be clear in my own head first and do my research. Having lurked silently on the forum for a while this seems like a good place to ask questions and find out if I'm among people closer to my own wavelength, if that makes sense?