Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, long story short I've been on the waiting list for ASD evaluation for 12 months and hoping for a positive result in Spring, did an awful lot of blogging and connecting with others via social media last year and feel so much in common with most others on the spectrum, but then realised that social media is a real source of stress for me and withdrew completely from all platforms in Autumn last year.
I miss the connections I made, but can't risk going back as I'm pretty sure I'll end up consumed by it and stressed again. Hopefully I can make some good friends here. I tried Wrong Planet but chose a non-anonymous username that I couldn't then get rid of, and think that remaining anonymous here might allow me to discuss more freely.
I'm middle-aged, and male.
The impact of ASD on me is (as far as I know):
For the last 20 or so years leading up to autumn 2017 I had been unknowingly masking all of this using intellectual effort, but then the elastic snapped and I suffered what I'm describing as a mental burnout equivalent to breaking both arms and both legs. Now I'm carefully rebuilding myself in the light of all of this new knowledge, knowing that I need to try extra hard to monitor my stress level (see above re interoception and alexithymia) and also knowing that what I thought was a comfortable 5/10 was closer to 95/100 and there are zones below where the happy people live.
That's probably enough for now! I genuinely do care about other people too :-).
Is it just me or have you just listed a load of difficulties? Lol! It sounds like that. I could be wrong because I can relate to a lot of those things and I don’t see them as difficulties so it could just be the way I’m interpreting them
I’ve never quite understood that last one though, where you said you care about other people, and even my son burst out laughing once and said ‘you really are a weirdo aren’t you mum’’ (as a term of endearment) when I tried out this ‘I care for others, role’ and I told him, I was happy because he had done something he enjoyed (can’t remember what it was) ~ whatever it was, my attempt at appearing to care about others failed! lol! I was still the weirdo I always was
And welcome, it’s nice to meet you. I don’t go on social media either. Like you, I find it all too much and I’m much happier without it, but thinking about it, that’s maybe only because I’m in burnout, because I did enjoy being on Facebook when I wasn’t in burnout! mmmmmm. And I did vow ‘I will never go on Facebook or any other social media platform again’ ~ in the most aspie dramatic way I could ;) but I’m realising now, as I’m slowly coming out of burnout, that I might, possibly, go back on Facebook again, at some point. I think it’s while I’ve been in burnout that it wasn’t good for me. Thanks for bringing that to light for me. I’m not out of burnout yet, so won’t be re-joining the ranks of facebookers just yet (if ever) but I can see now that it’s a possibility :) Thank you
Hi BlueRay & thanks for the welcome. It’s been a rollercoaster couple of years, which I could summarise as:
On the “caring for others” point, you’re making me think. I guess what I’m saying is that I value kindness and understanding, rather than I have a deep desire to look after people (I don’t, and my wife and kids tell me!). I guess I enjoy the attention I get from a person if I'm being helpful to them, but I'm quite selective about who I want to help (my terms!).
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Sorry to hear you're still in burnout - it sucks the life out of you big time.
Oh and the list of difficulties, yes I keep meaning to come back and edit the post as my ability to focus and apply logic has given me material success and an enjoyable career as an engineer / analyst. What I don't know though is whether this is a result of my ASD or something that has helped me mask it...........possibly a bit of both.
...oh, and when in burnout, it means you can put even more focus on yourself (if that’s even possible) so how freaking good is that, especially for self obsessed aspies like us
But seriously though, it’s been the best thing to ever happen to me. I’ve had burnouts before, periodically all my life, but never as severe as this one (not since I was 18 months old anyway) so yes, it’s been one hell of a roller coaster with plenty of suicidal moments, but it’s been a time of radical self discovery and no matter how ridiculously painful and lonely it was at times, I wouldn’t change it for the world and the good folk on here helped me through it, every step of the way.
So you’re in good company here and you’ll always find people who lean more towards your own outlook and if that’s not me, please don’t ever take any offence by anything I say, because it’s never intended that way, I just see and experience the world in a way that I first thought was just my autism ♀️and I then realised, no, that’s just you! Lol!
So seriously ~ I probably don’t need to say this (but I’m feeling a little fragile just now) so I’ll say it anyways ~ but if I ever write anything you don’t like, please just either ignore it or tell me ~ either way I won’t take it personally and sometimes it’s better just to ignore me, I know I have to ignore myself at times, but never feel like I’ve insulted you or something because that would never be the case, because if it was, you would be in no doubt whatsoever that, that was what I was doing :) I can be pretty good with words, it seems, when I want to be!