It's the middle of the night...... and I can't sleep

Hi there, I read your post earlier and found it quite moving.  You guys are clearly at a very difficult time right now and as an Asperges male with a non-Asperges girlfriend who've been together nearly 9 years I wanted to reply in case anything helped you guys out. Obviously every couple is different and different Asperges people are affected by it in different ways so I'm not trying to say the below is true for everyone but some of what you say resonated with some of the stuff we went through.

I have Asperges, my Dad has it and my girlfriend's Dad has it and we've all responded in very different ways.  Initially I was really happy about it as since childhood I'd felt certain there was a rotten core inside of me which explained why I couldn't empathise with others' emotions so it was a relief that it was physical rather than just selfishness.  In the last year I've been having real problems though but that's a separate issue.  My girlfriend's Dad became obsessed, it dredged up every difficult and painful experience in his life where people had said how cold he was and so on, it was not a fun time for him.  In the case of my Dad he hasn't been diagnosed, and probably never will be.  He's been bullied a lot in his life because of the way he is and it still keeps him up at night.  I believe the thought of fully acknowledging it is just too painful for him, perhaps further emphasising the victim role for the way he was treated. 

What I'm trying to say here is that it can be an extremely emotional step being diagnosed.  Your whole life plays out before you in the diagnosis room as painful moments are brought up and it can trigger weeks or months of soul searching introspection both before and after.  That's not to say diagnosis is a bad thing at all, I am glad I had it done, but if your partner is moving at a slow pace with regards research and dealing with it it's because it's a very big deal to them and it may be very scary for him, even though he may not admit it.  We're talking about decades of behaviour, limitations and questions unravelling right before his eyes.  It's a lot to take in and will have ramifications for the rest of his life.  I know it's hard for the partner too but you don't want to make this discovery any harder for them than it is already.  It also involves recognising limitations on his life that may make him feel uncomfortable.

Sometimes it will be two steps forward and one step back and that can be frustrating but when I was going through it (at my girlfriend's behest) I was incredibly grateful for her patience and companionship throughout.  Don't try to run too fast and make sure you explore it together rather than doing separate research.  When I went for my diagnosis my girlfriend and parents went with me, I can't overstress how important it was that I didn't have to do that alone.

You talk about his change in behaviour compared to earlier and when the depression and anxiety take me that's exactly how I behave.  I usually go insular and don't want to talk about it to avoid the pain so maybe that's what's happening here?  If so it's not necessarily any reflection on you or your relationship.  When I get like this I don't want to engage with my partner on a conversational level but I absolutely depend on her just being present as it's immensely calming.  It's not much but it means the world to me, but acknowledging that at the time acknowledges the fear you see.

What struck me in particular and made me think the above was true was when you said "The fact that he is still here, when our life must be life constant noise for him from some of the things he has said, is testimony to his deep love and respect for me and I do know that."  I think it's fair to say in general Aspergic people don't have many people in their lives who get close to them - I have my parents, my girlfriend and 3 friends who are mine.  It's not many but each one of them is truly precious to me.  I love my girlfriend unconditionally and she will be inside of me until the day I die.  I can't empathise with her, I don't feel pain when she's upset, but she is everything to me.  My Mum and Dad have been together their whole adult lives and he was not open about his emotions at all until very recently.  It's clear as day to me how much he cares for her, I can see the things he does to try and show her what she means to him because I do them too and there was a point in time where she couldn't see it and didn't realise how he felt.  Her view was so disconnected from what he felt because while Aspegics can't read neuro-typical people, the reverse is also true.  It's important to understand that for a lot of Aspergics it's the small gestures that reveal the emotions inside them that confuse us so much.  Because I can't empathise with others I often doubt if what I feel is real love because I have no frame of reference and so am not sure if I'm capable of it.  That's how confusing some of this stuff can be for Aspergics, we have nothing to compare our emotions too, no baseline, and as such it can make them difficult to express.

At the same time there is a big problem with Aspergic people hurting their partners without realising.  Sometimes I made my girlfriend cry and I never understood why, in the early days she thought I was being cruel when I had no such intention.  In my case I had to be trained, she had to explain every feeling she had in great detail and gradually over time and repetition I built up a model of how her emotions worked in my head.  I still get it wrong from time to time but she appreciates I try my best.  Never leave anything to intonation or ambiguity, spell it out in great big letters to him clearly, after the event if necessary so that he can understand, even if it's painful to reawake the argument.  I think emotionally we can be quite like children at times.

One other thing I would say that is a big thing for us as a couple is me leaving my comfort zone when it's important for my partner, but having that respected and rewarded when I do.  A lot of Aspergics have resentment from when we were forced into uncomfortable situations by people who didn't understand us when we were younger.  Sometimes as a defense mechanism we then push back against such scenarios.  For me and my partner some of those scenarios were ones that are important to her happiness.  The way we make it work is (for example we recently attended a wedding with her friend who I would also consider a friend also but it was still very stressfull for me):

• She verbally recognises it's difficult for me beforehand so I know I'm not dealling with it without support.
• We agree that I am not to be left alone without her for too long a time period because I get stressed out.
• We agree a signal I can give when it starts all getting a bit too much for me, we take a break away from the group so I can breathe again and calm down.  If that's not working we compromise on leaving time so we both feel satisfied.
• She thanks me afterwards so I know that she recognises the difficulties and challenges I faced.
• I thank her verbally for taking my needs into consideration.

Probably sounds stupid but it works for us and is unambiguous.  The biggest issue with the Aspergics I know is not picking up on non verbal cueus of support and feeling abandoned by their partner in a scary scenario. 

Apologies for how much I have written but you sound like the two of you work well together and I just hope even one thing helps you through this most difficult stage because it gets really good.  In an Aspergic person I truly believe you get someone who is even more grateful and devoted to you than otherwise, even if they can't feel what you are feeling, you can be their absolute world.

Your partner is very lucky to have you :) I've recently been diagnosed with Asperger's, and, while living with my partner, I feel like I'm making this journey by myself. If only my partner was like you. Willing to do so much to make the journey more comfortable for the both of us *sigh*

I hope that you two get the answers and support (from whatever relevent source) you need, and continue to be happy together!!

Hi Miss K,

I hope you feel a little better having got that off your chest! :) As I said before, my adult son lives with me and we have a close bond. He is a lovely, intelligent articulate young man but prone to depression and I am a bit of a full time counsellor. I know it's not the same as having a partner but it's the same in that I often feel like it's a one way deal. He does often tell me I am too good to him, and he's probably right but I can't help it because I love him and I know life is a daily challenge for him. I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to cope with a relationship with a partner with ASD as well, like his father, although we are very good friends. I think it's an enormous step for him to be able to acknowledge your point of view and a great way to start helping your relationship. I know life is probably already really tough for him but maybe it would be worse if you weren't there, so it is important for him to help you too even if it doesn't come naturally, he just needs to put some work in, and I'm sure if he loves you he will. At least you are communicating, a lot of couples without this issue don't even do that!

Thank you for your reply.

Having had little sleep last night, I went to the gym this morning to try and motivate myself. The issues of last night were not acknowledged this morning, as is normal in our house and I left feel angry and resentful.

An hour of hard work and nothing had improved. Arriving home I made the statement "I'm not sure how much more of this I can cope with". The ensuing discord was met by stoney silcence and angrer - not aggressive in any way - he doesn't respond in that way at all.

I stated my case and left for a laze in the bath. One of the things I "threw" during the discord was "how much reading have you d one on what it's like to be me since we discussed asperger's as I have spent much time reading and have a far better appreciation of the difficulties you face in our relationship"

The bathroom is often my refuge - I love laying in the bath, happy or sad it's always a comfort.

He came up about an hour later and apologised and said he had done what he should have done 2 weeks ago and whilst he doesn't "feel" it like I do he has a better appreciation of what it must be like for me. He admitted that until this morning he had usually thought of me in terms of "why is she so needy / unhinged / mental (he was smiling)" but can now see that it's not that and actually the way I feel within our relationship is echoed by others.

We talked. I told him I would llike him to seek a diagnosis - I think it is important for us both to see where he is on the scale. A large number of the eccentricities that are him that may be attributted to Asperger's I find charming and endearing, they make him the person I fell in love with. What I find hard to live with is the emotional void on a day to day basis, especially when he was so overtly emotional when we first met.

The lack of social interaction with the world is sometimes an issue and when it is I now "ask" him to be present and that is getting easier and I am getting better at judging who / what he can tolerate and what he can't - this was something I had been doing without knowing why, long before Asperger's was a topic of conversation. He is also getting better and being around a variety of people.

I have done many many things over the last few years which seem to sit well with the overall view of how to work with Asperger's and I fully appreciate the "different language" view - it is something I have said to him often and that we need to find a language of our own that we are both comfortable with - again long before reading about AS.

The struggle is and has been for a long time, the emotional / empathic side (or lack of) side to us. We discuss, nothing changes... and self defeating cycle..... soul destroying. Having read about Asberger's it all made sense.

It appears for him also having done some research this morning all of the opposites of my view are clearer to him too 

We have both promised to walk this journey together as we both want to try and get through this. He fully accepts his part in this although he isn't sure how to "fix"| it. I've told him he can't fix it... only we can do that, although he has to take an active role in that, take responsibility as I have to. 

He is incredibly bright and able, I have no doubt that if he decides that he wants to make it better having understood something he had never considered before (someone else, effectively me - he admitted her had never viewed life from any point but his own) I am sure that things will improve, although I do understand that this is the first of many, probably tiny steps.

He is charming and gorgeous and lovely in nearly every way. He makes me smile and I usually feel at peace with him...... if you take away the emotional side. My life has been enriched from knowing him, warts and all and as much as I am tired and emotionally drained i am not yet willing to give up all hope.

The fact that he is still here, when our life must be life constant noise for him from some of the things he has said, is testimony to his deep love and respect for me and I do know that - all I need to be able to do now is remind meself of it until such times as we can find a way to agree how that can be conveyed more regularly in a way that is comfortable /acceptable for us both.

And breathe....... again, thanks for reading........ x

Hi Miss K,

I feel for you and I think I can empathise having been in a relationship with someone who had Aspergers but at the time we were unaware of it. Then our son was diagnosed with it but we didn't realise my ex had it until we were separated.

I'm going to be blunt, you need to be a very special and strong person to have a successful relationship with someone who has Aspergers. I had emotional issues of my own and that was where the conflict arose. Several years on, I have come to terms with all of my own issues but I still find caring for my adult son challenging, lovely though he is. I love him so much I would quite literally do anything for him but I wouldn't say that I find it easy - far from it.

Has your partner explored the idea of getting a diagnosis? This would help enormously because you'd kind of have 'validation' for his behaviour. If you can accept that it's unlikely to change and come to terms with things then you can move on and perhaps forge a successful and happy relationship together.You have mentioned his strengths, and that can be a good place to start.