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It's the middle of the night...... and I can't sleep

Miss K

Hi there,

This is my first post and I promise I will try in future to make them shorter and be more cheerful.....

I live with my partner who we think has AS - it is a very new possibility to us and whilst I can say that it makes a difference knowing I'm not going mad it hasn't stopped the mix of emotions (on my side) that go with living with someone who speaks a different language to me.

Right now and for a long time it has felt like being in a relationship on my own.... lonely.

i have often said to friends, if you are lonely in a relationship then better to be on your own and it has very nearly come to that, especially in the last 6 months.

He is a clever, capable (in most aspects) lovely man..... and I want to get through this but right now it seems like a very big mountain to climb, even with the insight of the last 10 days reading - it really is that recent.

i have read so much that "fits" and lots that doesn't - most of the differences are emotional and social. The hardest for me is the lack of intimacy in day to day life. The hardest for him is probably the overlpad that he deals with between work and home life.

When we met he was nothing llike this, I really thought I had met my emotional equal - he talked, was outwardley emotional, loving - everything you would want, it was an emotional rollercoaster. That has tailed off over the last nearly 4 years and whilst I understand the reasons for much of it now I am having a hard time letting go of the resentment that has built up.

I know his ability to "change" is limited and it is more about management and coping strategies and I want to support that in any way I can but I have some needs too and have compromised them for so long now that the self diagnosis isn't enough to wipe the slate clean.

Having read a good number of posts from partners I know that I am not alone..... so am hoping that, sitting here in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, my ramblings will garner some support.

It was like having a glass wiped clean of condensation, so that you could see, when I read first of aspergers, following a comment he made. He is not adverse to the possibility but like with most things, it is more important to me to understand this than it appears to be to him currently. I know that may change and if it does then I am certain we can find a way through this - he is intelligent and humourous and we have been able to laugh about it but having tried to support him through I knew not what for a long time I am worried that I am running out of energy.......

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it.

Parents

  • Hi Miss K,

    I feel for you and I think I can empathise having been in a relationship with someone who had Aspergers but at the time we were unaware of it. Then our son was diagnosed with it but we didn't realise my ex had it until we were separated.

    I'm going to be blunt, you need to be a very special and strong person to have a successful relationship with someone who has Aspergers. I had emotional issues of my own and that was where the conflict arose. Several years on, I have come to terms with all of my own issues but I still find caring for my adult son challenging, lovely though he is. I love him so much I would quite literally do anything for him but I wouldn't say that I find it easy - far from it.

    Has your partner explored the idea of getting a diagnosis? This would help enormously because you'd kind of have 'validation' for his behaviour. If you can accept that it's unlikely to change and come to terms with things then you can move on and perhaps forge a successful and happy relationship together.You have mentioned his strengths, and that can be a good place to start.

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  • Hi Miss K,

    I feel for you and I think I can empathise having been in a relationship with someone who had Aspergers but at the time we were unaware of it. Then our son was diagnosed with it but we didn't realise my ex had it until we were separated.

    I'm going to be blunt, you need to be a very special and strong person to have a successful relationship with someone who has Aspergers. I had emotional issues of my own and that was where the conflict arose. Several years on, I have come to terms with all of my own issues but I still find caring for my adult son challenging, lovely though he is. I love him so much I would quite literally do anything for him but I wouldn't say that I find it easy - far from it.

    Has your partner explored the idea of getting a diagnosis? This would help enormously because you'd kind of have 'validation' for his behaviour. If you can accept that it's unlikely to change and come to terms with things then you can move on and perhaps forge a successful and happy relationship together.You have mentioned his strengths, and that can be a good place to start.

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