It's the middle of the night...... and I can't sleep

Hi there, I read your post earlier and found it quite moving.  You guys are clearly at a very difficult time right now and as an Asperges male with a non-Asperges girlfriend who've been together nearly 9 years I wanted to reply in case anything helped you guys out. Obviously every couple is different and different Asperges people are affected by it in different ways so I'm not trying to say the below is true for everyone but some of what you say resonated with some of the stuff we went through.

I have Asperges, my Dad has it and my girlfriend's Dad has it and we've all responded in very different ways.  Initially I was really happy about it as since childhood I'd felt certain there was a rotten core inside of me which explained why I couldn't empathise with others' emotions so it was a relief that it was physical rather than just selfishness.  In the last year I've been having real problems though but that's a separate issue.  My girlfriend's Dad became obsessed, it dredged up every difficult and painful experience in his life where people had said how cold he was and so on, it was not a fun time for him.  In the case of my Dad he hasn't been diagnosed, and probably never will be.  He's been bullied a lot in his life because of the way he is and it still keeps him up at night.  I believe the thought of fully acknowledging it is just too painful for him, perhaps further emphasising the victim role for the way he was treated. 

What I'm trying to say here is that it can be an extremely emotional step being diagnosed.  Your whole life plays out before you in the diagnosis room as painful moments are brought up and it can trigger weeks or months of soul searching introspection both before and after.  That's not to say diagnosis is a bad thing at all, I am glad I had it done, but if your partner is moving at a slow pace with regards research and dealing with it it's because it's a very big deal to them and it may be very scary for him, even though he may not admit it.  We're talking about decades of behaviour, limitations and questions unravelling right before his eyes.  It's a lot to take in and will have ramifications for the rest of his life.  I know it's hard for the partner too but you don't want to make this discovery any harder for them than it is already.  It also involves recognising limitations on his life that may make him feel uncomfortable.

Sometimes it will be two steps forward and one step back and that can be frustrating but when I was going through it (at my girlfriend's behest) I was incredibly grateful for her patience and companionship throughout.  Don't try to run too fast and make sure you explore it together rather than doing separate research.  When I went for my diagnosis my girlfriend and parents went with me, I can't overstress how important it was that I didn't have to do that alone.

You talk about his change in behaviour compared to earlier and when the depression and anxiety take me that's exactly how I behave.  I usually go insular and don't want to talk about it to avoid the pain so maybe that's what's happening here?  If so it's not necessarily any reflection on you or your relationship.  When I get like this I don't want to engage with my partner on a conversational level but I absolutely depend on her just being present as it's immensely calming.  It's not much but it means the world to me, but acknowledging that at the time acknowledges the fear you see.

What struck me in particular and made me think the above was true was when you said "The fact that he is still here, when our life must be life constant noise for him from some of the things he has said, is testimony to his deep love and respect for me and I do know that."  I think it's fair to say in general Aspergic people don't have many people in their lives who get close to them - I have my parents, my girlfriend and 3 friends who are mine.  It's not many but each one of them is truly precious to me.  I love my girlfriend unconditionally and she will be inside of me until the day I die.  I can't empathise with her, I don't feel pain when she's upset, but she is everything to me.  My Mum and Dad have been together their whole adult lives and he was not open about his emotions at all until very recently.  It's clear as day to me how much he cares for her, I can see the things he does to try and show her what she means to him because I do them too and there was a point in time where she couldn't see it and didn't realise how he felt.  Her view was so disconnected from what he felt because while Aspegics can't read neuro-typical people, the reverse is also true.  It's important to understand that for a lot of Aspergics it's the small gestures that reveal the emotions inside them that confuse us so much.  Because I can't empathise with others I often doubt if what I feel is real love because I have no frame of reference and so am not sure if I'm capable of it.  That's how confusing some of this stuff can be for Aspergics, we have nothing to compare our emotions too, no baseline, and as such it can make them difficult to express.

At the same time there is a big problem with Aspergic people hurting their partners without realising.  Sometimes I made my girlfriend cry and I never understood why, in the early days she thought I was being cruel when I had no such intention.  In my case I had to be trained, she had to explain every feeling she had in great detail and gradually over time and repetition I built up a model of how her emotions worked in my head.  I still get it wrong from time to time but she appreciates I try my best.  Never leave anything to intonation or ambiguity, spell it out in great big letters to him clearly, after the event if necessary so that he can understand, even if it's painful to reawake the argument.  I think emotionally we can be quite like children at times.

One other thing I would say that is a big thing for us as a couple is me leaving my comfort zone when it's important for my partner, but having that respected and rewarded when I do.  A lot of Aspergics have resentment from when we were forced into uncomfortable situations by people who didn't understand us when we were younger.  Sometimes as a defense mechanism we then push back against such scenarios.  For me and my partner some of those scenarios were ones that are important to her happiness.  The way we make it work is (for example we recently attended a wedding with her friend who I would also consider a friend also but it was still very stressfull for me):

• She verbally recognises it's difficult for me beforehand so I know I'm not dealling with it without support.
• We agree that I am not to be left alone without her for too long a time period because I get stressed out.
• We agree a signal I can give when it starts all getting a bit too much for me, we take a break away from the group so I can breathe again and calm down.  If that's not working we compromise on leaving time so we both feel satisfied.
• She thanks me afterwards so I know that she recognises the difficulties and challenges I faced.
• I thank her verbally for taking my needs into consideration.

Probably sounds stupid but it works for us and is unambiguous.  The biggest issue with the Aspergics I know is not picking up on non verbal cueus of support and feeling abandoned by their partner in a scary scenario. 

Apologies for how much I have written but you sound like the two of you work well together and I just hope even one thing helps you through this most difficult stage because it gets really good.  In an Aspergic person I truly believe you get someone who is even more grateful and devoted to you than otherwise, even if they can't feel what you are feeling, you can be their absolute world.

Hi there, I read your post earlier and found it quite moving.  You guys are clearly at a very difficult time right now and as an Asperges male with a non-Asperges girlfriend who've been together nearly 9 years I wanted to reply in case anything helped you guys out. Obviously every couple is different and different Asperges people are affected by it in different ways so I'm not trying to say the below is true for everyone but some of what you say resonated with some of the stuff we went through.

I have Asperges, my Dad has it and my girlfriend's Dad has it and we've all responded in very different ways.  Initially I was really happy about it as since childhood I'd felt certain there was a rotten core inside of me which explained why I couldn't empathise with others' emotions so it was a relief that it was physical rather than just selfishness.  In the last year I've been having real problems though but that's a separate issue.  My girlfriend's Dad became obsessed, it dredged up every difficult and painful experience in his life where people had said how cold he was and so on, it was not a fun time for him.  In the case of my Dad he hasn't been diagnosed, and probably never will be.  He's been bullied a lot in his life because of the way he is and it still keeps him up at night.  I believe the thought of fully acknowledging it is just too painful for him, perhaps further emphasising the victim role for the way he was treated. 

What I'm trying to say here is that it can be an extremely emotional step being diagnosed.  Your whole life plays out before you in the diagnosis room as painful moments are brought up and it can trigger weeks or months of soul searching introspection both before and after.  That's not to say diagnosis is a bad thing at all, I am glad I had it done, but if your partner is moving at a slow pace with regards research and dealing with it it's because it's a very big deal to them and it may be very scary for him, even though he may not admit it.  We're talking about decades of behaviour, limitations and questions unravelling right before his eyes.  It's a lot to take in and will have ramifications for the rest of his life.  I know it's hard for the partner too but you don't want to make this discovery any harder for them than it is already.  It also involves recognising limitations on his life that may make him feel uncomfortable.

Sometimes it will be two steps forward and one step back and that can be frustrating but when I was going through it (at my girlfriend's behest) I was incredibly grateful for her patience and companionship throughout.  Don't try to run too fast and make sure you explore it together rather than doing separate research.  When I went for my diagnosis my girlfriend and parents went with me, I can't overstress how important it was that I didn't have to do that alone.

You talk about his change in behaviour compared to earlier and when the depression and anxiety take me that's exactly how I behave.  I usually go insular and don't want to talk about it to avoid the pain so maybe that's what's happening here?  If so it's not necessarily any reflection on you or your relationship.  When I get like this I don't want to engage with my partner on a conversational level but I absolutely depend on her just being present as it's immensely calming.  It's not much but it means the world to me, but acknowledging that at the time acknowledges the fear you see.

What struck me in particular and made me think the above was true was when you said "The fact that he is still here, when our life must be life constant noise for him from some of the things he has said, is testimony to his deep love and respect for me and I do know that."  I think it's fair to say in general Aspergic people don't have many people in their lives who get close to them - I have my parents, my girlfriend and 3 friends who are mine.  It's not many but each one of them is truly precious to me.  I love my girlfriend unconditionally and she will be inside of me until the day I die.  I can't empathise with her, I don't feel pain when she's upset, but she is everything to me.  My Mum and Dad have been together their whole adult lives and he was not open about his emotions at all until very recently.  It's clear as day to me how much he cares for her, I can see the things he does to try and show her what she means to him because I do them too and there was a point in time where she couldn't see it and didn't realise how he felt.  Her view was so disconnected from what he felt because while Aspegics can't read neuro-typical people, the reverse is also true.  It's important to understand that for a lot of Aspergics it's the small gestures that reveal the emotions inside them that confuse us so much.  Because I can't empathise with others I often doubt if what I feel is real love because I have no frame of reference and so am not sure if I'm capable of it.  That's how confusing some of this stuff can be for Aspergics, we have nothing to compare our emotions too, no baseline, and as such it can make them difficult to express.

At the same time there is a big problem with Aspergic people hurting their partners without realising.  Sometimes I made my girlfriend cry and I never understood why, in the early days she thought I was being cruel when I had no such intention.  In my case I had to be trained, she had to explain every feeling she had in great detail and gradually over time and repetition I built up a model of how her emotions worked in my head.  I still get it wrong from time to time but she appreciates I try my best.  Never leave anything to intonation or ambiguity, spell it out in great big letters to him clearly, after the event if necessary so that he can understand, even if it's painful to reawake the argument.  I think emotionally we can be quite like children at times.

One other thing I would say that is a big thing for us as a couple is me leaving my comfort zone when it's important for my partner, but having that respected and rewarded when I do.  A lot of Aspergics have resentment from when we were forced into uncomfortable situations by people who didn't understand us when we were younger.  Sometimes as a defense mechanism we then push back against such scenarios.  For me and my partner some of those scenarios were ones that are important to her happiness.  The way we make it work is (for example we recently attended a wedding with her friend who I would also consider a friend also but it was still very stressfull for me):

• She verbally recognises it's difficult for me beforehand so I know I'm not dealling with it without support.
• We agree that I am not to be left alone without her for too long a time period because I get stressed out.
• We agree a signal I can give when it starts all getting a bit too much for me, we take a break away from the group so I can breathe again and calm down.  If that's not working we compromise on leaving time so we both feel satisfied.
• She thanks me afterwards so I know that she recognises the difficulties and challenges I faced.
• I thank her verbally for taking my needs into consideration.

Probably sounds stupid but it works for us and is unambiguous.  The biggest issue with the Aspergics I know is not picking up on non verbal cueus of support and feeling abandoned by their partner in a scary scenario. 

Apologies for how much I have written but you sound like the two of you work well together and I just hope even one thing helps you through this most difficult stage because it gets really good.  In an Aspergic person I truly believe you get someone who is even more grateful and devoted to you than otherwise, even if they can't feel what you are feeling, you can be their absolute world.