• Replies 5 replies
  • Subscribers 68 subscribers
  • Views 1303 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

It's the middle of the night...... and I can't sleep

Miss K

Hi there,

This is my first post and I promise I will try in future to make them shorter and be more cheerful.....

I live with my partner who we think has AS - it is a very new possibility to us and whilst I can say that it makes a difference knowing I'm not going mad it hasn't stopped the mix of emotions (on my side) that go with living with someone who speaks a different language to me.

Right now and for a long time it has felt like being in a relationship on my own.... lonely.

i have often said to friends, if you are lonely in a relationship then better to be on your own and it has very nearly come to that, especially in the last 6 months.

He is a clever, capable (in most aspects) lovely man..... and I want to get through this but right now it seems like a very big mountain to climb, even with the insight of the last 10 days reading - it really is that recent.

i have read so much that "fits" and lots that doesn't - most of the differences are emotional and social. The hardest for me is the lack of intimacy in day to day life. The hardest for him is probably the overlpad that he deals with between work and home life.

When we met he was nothing llike this, I really thought I had met my emotional equal - he talked, was outwardley emotional, loving - everything you would want, it was an emotional rollercoaster. That has tailed off over the last nearly 4 years and whilst I understand the reasons for much of it now I am having a hard time letting go of the resentment that has built up.

I know his ability to "change" is limited and it is more about management and coping strategies and I want to support that in any way I can but I have some needs too and have compromised them for so long now that the self diagnosis isn't enough to wipe the slate clean.

Having read a good number of posts from partners I know that I am not alone..... so am hoping that, sitting here in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, my ramblings will garner some support.

It was like having a glass wiped clean of condensation, so that you could see, when I read first of aspergers, following a comment he made. He is not adverse to the possibility but like with most things, it is more important to me to understand this than it appears to be to him currently. I know that may change and if it does then I am certain we can find a way through this - he is intelligent and humourous and we have been able to laugh about it but having tried to support him through I knew not what for a long time I am worried that I am running out of energy.......

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it.

Parents

  • Thank you for your reply.

    Having had little sleep last night, I went to the gym this morning to try and motivate myself. The issues of last night were not acknowledged this morning, as is normal in our house and I left feel angry and resentful.

    An hour of hard work and nothing had improved. Arriving home I made the statement "I'm not sure how much more of this I can cope with". The ensuing discord was met by stoney silcence and angrer - not aggressive in any way - he doesn't respond in that way at all.

    I stated my case and left for a laze in the bath. One of the things I "threw" during the discord was "how much reading have you d one on what it's like to be me since we discussed asperger's as I have spent much time reading and have a far better appreciation of the difficulties you face in our relationship"

    The bathroom is often my refuge - I love laying in the bath, happy or sad it's always a comfort.

    He came up about an hour later and apologised and said he had done what he should have done 2 weeks ago and whilst he doesn't "feel" it like I do he has a better appreciation of what it must be like for me. He admitted that until this morning he had usually thought of me in terms of "why is she so needy / unhinged / mental (he was smiling)" but can now see that it's not that and actually the way I feel within our relationship is echoed by others.

    We talked. I told him I would llike him to seek a diagnosis - I think it is important for us both to see where he is on the scale. A large number of the eccentricities that are him that may be attributted to Asperger's I find charming and endearing, they make him the person I fell in love with. What I find hard to live with is the emotional void on a day to day basis, especially when he was so overtly emotional when we first met.

    The lack of social interaction with the world is sometimes an issue and when it is I now "ask" him to be present and that is getting easier and I am getting better at judging who / what he can tolerate and what he can't - this was something I had been doing without knowing why, long before Asperger's was a topic of conversation. He is also getting better and being around a variety of people.

    I have done many many things over the last few years which seem to sit well with the overall view of how to work with Asperger's and I fully appreciate the "different language" view - it is something I have said to him often and that we need to find a language of our own that we are both comfortable with - again long before reading about AS.

    The struggle is and has been for a long time, the emotional / empathic side (or lack of) side to us. We discuss, nothing changes... and self defeating cycle..... soul destroying. Having read about Asberger's it all made sense.

    It appears for him also having done some research this morning all of the opposites of my view are clearer to him too Smile

    We have both promised to walk this journey together as we both want to try and get through this. He fully accepts his part in this although he isn't sure how to "fix"| it. I've told him he can't fix it... only we can do that, although he has to take an active role in that, take responsibility as I have to. 

    He is incredibly bright and able, I have no doubt that if he decides that he wants to make it better having understood something he had never considered before (someone else, effectively me - he admitted her had never viewed life from any point but his own) I am sure that things will improve, although I do understand that this is the first of many, probably tiny steps.

    He is charming and gorgeous and lovely in nearly every way. He makes me smile and I usually feel at peace with him...... if you take away the emotional side. My life has been enriched from knowing him, warts and all and as much as I am tired and emotionally drained i am not yet willing to give up all hope.

    The fact that he is still here, when our life must be life constant noise for him from some of the things he has said, is testimony to his deep love and respect for me and I do know that - all I need to be able to do now is remind meself of it until such times as we can find a way to agree how that can be conveyed more regularly in a way that is comfortable /acceptable for us both.

    And breathe....... again, thanks for reading........ x

Reply

  • Thank you for your reply.

    Having had little sleep last night, I went to the gym this morning to try and motivate myself. The issues of last night were not acknowledged this morning, as is normal in our house and I left feel angry and resentful.

    An hour of hard work and nothing had improved. Arriving home I made the statement "I'm not sure how much more of this I can cope with". The ensuing discord was met by stoney silcence and angrer - not aggressive in any way - he doesn't respond in that way at all.

    I stated my case and left for a laze in the bath. One of the things I "threw" during the discord was "how much reading have you d one on what it's like to be me since we discussed asperger's as I have spent much time reading and have a far better appreciation of the difficulties you face in our relationship"

    The bathroom is often my refuge - I love laying in the bath, happy or sad it's always a comfort.

    He came up about an hour later and apologised and said he had done what he should have done 2 weeks ago and whilst he doesn't "feel" it like I do he has a better appreciation of what it must be like for me. He admitted that until this morning he had usually thought of me in terms of "why is she so needy / unhinged / mental (he was smiling)" but can now see that it's not that and actually the way I feel within our relationship is echoed by others.

    We talked. I told him I would llike him to seek a diagnosis - I think it is important for us both to see where he is on the scale. A large number of the eccentricities that are him that may be attributted to Asperger's I find charming and endearing, they make him the person I fell in love with. What I find hard to live with is the emotional void on a day to day basis, especially when he was so overtly emotional when we first met.

    The lack of social interaction with the world is sometimes an issue and when it is I now "ask" him to be present and that is getting easier and I am getting better at judging who / what he can tolerate and what he can't - this was something I had been doing without knowing why, long before Asperger's was a topic of conversation. He is also getting better and being around a variety of people.

    I have done many many things over the last few years which seem to sit well with the overall view of how to work with Asperger's and I fully appreciate the "different language" view - it is something I have said to him often and that we need to find a language of our own that we are both comfortable with - again long before reading about AS.

    The struggle is and has been for a long time, the emotional / empathic side (or lack of) side to us. We discuss, nothing changes... and self defeating cycle..... soul destroying. Having read about Asberger's it all made sense.

    It appears for him also having done some research this morning all of the opposites of my view are clearer to him too Smile

    We have both promised to walk this journey together as we both want to try and get through this. He fully accepts his part in this although he isn't sure how to "fix"| it. I've told him he can't fix it... only we can do that, although he has to take an active role in that, take responsibility as I have to. 

    He is incredibly bright and able, I have no doubt that if he decides that he wants to make it better having understood something he had never considered before (someone else, effectively me - he admitted her had never viewed life from any point but his own) I am sure that things will improve, although I do understand that this is the first of many, probably tiny steps.

    He is charming and gorgeous and lovely in nearly every way. He makes me smile and I usually feel at peace with him...... if you take away the emotional side. My life has been enriched from knowing him, warts and all and as much as I am tired and emotionally drained i am not yet willing to give up all hope.

    The fact that he is still here, when our life must be life constant noise for him from some of the things he has said, is testimony to his deep love and respect for me and I do know that - all I need to be able to do now is remind meself of it until such times as we can find a way to agree how that can be conveyed more regularly in a way that is comfortable /acceptable for us both.

    And breathe....... again, thanks for reading........ x

Children
No Data