Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi my name is Danielle,
I have recently found out that my partner has ASD. We have been together a few years and although there has always been some ‘strange behaviour’, it has been easy to put it down to something else (past experiences, having a grumpy day, being tired, having something on his mind etc). As an outsider looking in it is possible you would never know. He is a highly functioning adult, has a successful career and just comes across as a little shy. He has recently told me that he has always known he was different but never understood why. He knows that his reactions are not ‘normal’ and has learnt to internalise a lot of things. Socially, he has learnt statergies to try and fit in and tries to copy other people’s behaviour so that no one realises (I did not know any of this until recently).
Since finding out he has been lovely and supportive about it and wants to do everything he can to turn the situation into a positive. He sees the diagnosis as a good thing and a possibility to be a better person. He feels like his life now makes sense and is relived in some ways that there is a reason for everything he has struggled with alone. I have read some of the other chats and this appears to be a feeling shared by many people that have been diagnosed later in life. He has also had the realisation that is is not something that is ever going to go away and I think that part has been tough for him.
I unfortunately am finding the whole thing a lot harder. I am hoping to find others who are in a similar situation that might we able to share their experiences and advice. I love him very much but this has turned my world upside down and I almost feel like I don’t know him anymore. That breaks my heart.
The biggest struggle I have at the moment is that I now have an awareness of what is going on. I never knew he had meltdowns about everyday things. He has learnt to deal with them in his head and this has just come across as grumpiness in the past when I haven’t known what is going on.
When you think someone is being grumpy, you think it’s temporary and that if you cheer them up or leave them to it, it will be okay again. The problem is that now I know it is more than that, I notice when he is on edge or he is finding something difficult and there is nothing I can do. Before I would have put it down to him being tired or grumpy or that he had something on his mind. I would ask him if he was okay and that would be that. Now I know what is going on, I worry about him and I find it really frustrating because I can’t help. I know it is horrible to say but I resent what is happening but I know it is not his fault. He refuses to let it stop him doing every day things but I now find them hard because I can see him struggling. He has told me to carry on like before but I can’t just pretend it is not happening.
I know it is not that simple for someone with ASD and I am trying to learn. I love him very much and we were together a few years before we found out. Although he had some extreme/sometimes unreasonable ideas about certain things, I always put it down to him having had bad experiences in the past and thought that with time, surrounded by good people, he would think differently and be happier about life and other people. I am now starting to think that he will always feel like that.
I would love to hear some advice from anyone who has a partner with ASD (or someone who has ASD that is in a relationship), that is happy to share their experiences or give some advice. Maybe things that have helped you. I have read a lot about people making relationships work and I know that it might not be easy to begin with but we love each other very much and want to figure this all out. Thank you for reading.
Hi - I'm 52, diagnosed with Asperger's at 42, been married for nearly 29 years. I'm a Chartered Engineer so most would consider me successful.
When you say your partner is grumpy, it probably means he's had a whole load of stress at work that he can't rationalise. We like things neat, tidy and black & white so we can put things to bed in our minds. When people are unreasonable, their motives are questionable and their work shoddy and incompetent, it causes a whole world of stress trying to make sense of it all.
It takes time to process it all. When you see him at the end of the day, if he's grumpy, then he's dealing with problems internally. All he wants in that situation is peace & quiet & order with the world while he winds down.
Unfortunately, you might not realise it, but you are almost certainly chaotic in your world. If you take the chaos to him when he's grumpy, things will go badly.
If you make promises about things he likes and then fail to deliver, he will not understand it so it will add to his stress. You need to understand your own chaos and try not to drop it on him until he is receptive after winding down. (the classic 50s housewife behaviours of a drink & slippers as he walks in the door). Don't see it as a chore, see it as being nice to him - the equivalent of him giving you flowers.
You have to also understand that he is perfectly normal but has a little difficulty reading people's motives and the fine points of social situations. Just like you have a little difficulty flying around the room. You'd like to be able to do it - but you can't.
There is a psychological problem where a typical person wants an 'alpha' partner to provide for them. Your image of what alpha means to you may need some thinking about. Aspergers men tend to be very loyal and caring - just poor at showing it. You need to find the way that he expresses love - whatever that may be.