Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
I hope most of you take the time to read my post and really hope it makes sense. I have so many thoughts and questions I need to get out, it might get long, but I'm really in need of other peoples opinions.
Hello again, my name is Ste, I am married and I'm in my mid 40s. I've never talked about this to anyone... well that's not exactly true... I speak to myself about it on a daily basis, and not always in my head either, but that's another story. The thing is, I really don't know where to start and how to make sense of how to describe "ME". Do I start with how I'm currently feeling? Do I start with why I think I'm different? Do I start with when did this all start? Haha! The thing is, I think it's always been there, in me, it just seems to get stronger with age.
OK so as far as I can remember, it all started about 5-6 years ago after I watched a programme about Autism. Certain traits I related to, but don't we all think that? Anyhow, it triggered an impulse in me to start putting my own feelings and personality traits into Google, "as you do", and I was finding it was always directing me to forums and web sites about Autism and occasionally Asperger's. At first, I didn't think too much about it, but the more I studied these web sites, the more I related to it. One of the feelings I seem to be dealing with, and it's one of my strongest feelings is... I'm only completely happy and at ease with life and myself, when I'm by myself. You see, when I'm alone, I am at my most relaxed, there's not a sign of anxiety in sight. I can spend that time doing things exactly how I want to and at what ever speed I am comfortable with. I don't have to make small talk with anyone, I find small talk so uncomfortable that it raises my anxiety. No one is around to interrupt my routine either and I can be who I love being. The trouble is, I'm not always alone, I do have a full-time job that I enjoy, and as I mentioned before, I am married and do love my wife.I have colleagues at work who I do get along with, but outside of work, I have no interest in socialising with them and don't feel guilty about that at all. Occasionally, some of them may go for a drink after work on a Friday, but not me. I just want to leave work as normal on the bike that I ride to and from work, taking the same route home. During the day, there are times when I have to remove myself from the noise and chatter of the office and gather my thoughts in the toilet. I don't particularly get frustrated or angry. It's just quiet, I'm alone and that's nice for a few minutes. When I'm on my lunch, having the same butty and soup that I get from the same shop everyday, I will put my ear phones in and listen to my 80s music. I love 80s music, it's an addiction to me, it's nostalgic and this makes me happy. I create playlists daily of my favourite tracks, putting them in categories of which best suits my mood at the time, again my anxiety is no more... but then once lunch is over, the monotony of normal life returns.Home life is no different. I have a computer room where my other addiction is my PlayStation 4. I've grown up with computer games, it's an escape from everyday life. I love spending time in this room doing the things I love. It's my space, filled with items of fun and nostalgia. I'll return home from work, spend time with my wife, but all the time knowing that I need to spend time in my room. I don't lock myself in or anything like that, I just have a strong urge to be there. It makes me feel safe. Occasionally the wife might have me do something that interrupts with my room time and that's ok... but I still need that time even if it's later than normal. If I don't get that time, my day feels incomplete. When I think back to when I was younger, I've always had an addictive personality toward my hobbies. I don't just enjoy them, I want to know as much as possible about them, I want to live them, I want to collect memorabilia. I want to be reminded of them all the time... I want! I want! I want makes me happy!We don't go the Cinema anymore, this stopped a long time ago. What's changed?, Have I developed an intolerance or phobia toward strangers in general?. They are selfish and inconsiderate in my opinion. I feel aggravated by their presence. I can feel my anxiety levels rising to a point that I need to remove myself from it. "I am watching a film here!" Stop talking, Stop eating! Sit somewhere else! It doesn't feel like anger, I just get this strong urge to not be there. My wife has noticed changes in me over the last few years, but I just tell her how it makes me feel. Obviously, I've never mentioned Autism, I feel stupid. Occasionally, when she still asks to go from time to time, a feeling of dread washes over me. I don't want to disappoint her or spoil it for her, but I definitely do not want to be there. Now, when I think back to when I was younger, I never really visited the Cinema much then, so have I always had these feelings?They are some of my stronger personality traits... does it make me Autistic? I just don't know. I've never took any of those online tests, should I? Does it matter? I've read through many sites how-ever about numerous symptoms which I can relate to 100%... but again... don't we all? Even looking into Autism has become an addiction. Am I good at reading social cues? NO! Even my wife has said on occasion that I'm no good at reading into things. I have parents, they're lovely, and again my wife might say I haven't rang them in ages! Do I feel guilty? NO! That makes me sound awful, I really am a nice guy... modest, but nice all the same.Do I make repetitive body movements?YES! When I cross my legs, I make a figure 8 with my foot. When I'm anxious I have a habit of twiddling parts of my clothes?... Am I Autistic?
Poor eye contact?I'm not comfortable at staring into someone's eyes when talking to them... I do get a strong urge to look away for a few seconds?... Am I Autistic?
Difficulty planning and organising?YES! I'm terrible... even my wife says so... Am I Autistic?
You can see where I'm going with this. The spectrum is so broad, it's almost too much to process.
I suppose the big questions are, "Does it affect my everyday life? and do I need to do anything about it?" Well, I'm not sure it affects my daily life, but it certainly causes anxiety thinking about it. Like the next time my wife wants to go the Cinema, she thinks I'm just being miserable, when I think differently.
Well, I really appreciate your time if you got this far. I really have so many other thoughts and questions, but I'll leave them for later.
Thanks again,
Ste.
The online tests, although not conclusive, do seem to be a good indicator of whether you are on the spectrum. The main one is the aq test. I wrote lots down whilst I was deciding whether or not to get assessed. I talked my way in and out of being on the spectrum a few times. I too had lots of thoughts and questions. Most of these weren't answered until I actually went for my assessment and was diagnosed.
One thing to think about is do you have problems in multiple areas to do with the spectrum. So social interaction you've mentioned you have problems with. You've also mentioned social cues. Do you have difficult with communication in general? Do you have any sensory difficulties? And do you have any problems with rigidity of thought? E.g. do you like routine etc
Without going for an assessment you won't be able to say for sure. I went round in a lot of circles before mine. But it's certainly worth finding out more and writing it down so if you do decide to take it further you can.
Hey guys,
Thanks for taking the time to read.
I do believe I suffer from some form of sensory sensitivity. One I'm most aware of is when I'm reading through a magazine or web-site. I just can't concentrate on what I'm looking at sometimes or reading. I'm more focused on what is scattered around the article I'm trying read, if that makes sense? Same reason I have difficulties reading books. The information doesn't register. It's kind of like there is too much information in one space for me to take in. My sensory overload can also be triggered by having too many people in the room at once. All their voices just scramble together and if I try to focus on one conversation, I'm distracted by another conversation I'm not involved in and lose track of my original conversation. This get's frustrating sometimes and the chatter gets too much, I just leave the room for a few minutes. Is that classed as sensory overload?
Objects, just as described on this web-site, I do find it more satisfying to look at small details of an object rather the whole object.
There is so much information about Autism, I just seem to relate to most things, that is quite overwhelming in itself.
Anyhow, I've decided to look at the AQ Test and will post my results here to get opinions.
Thanks again, Ste.
Definitely sounds worth pursuing a diagnosis if that is what you want. I totally get what you mean about reading stuff. I like paperwork to be in sections or I get no where reading it. I find books easier if they have short pages and chapters. The more words, the more difficult it is. There isn't anything wrong with my actual reading ability though.
It is quite overwhelming when you first start the journey looking into it further. But I definitely felt better after a diagnosis and my assessor made me feel a lot better about some of the things I find difficult.
Good luck