Older prediagnosis struggling

I am yet to be diagnosed and really struggling with all the faux pas I've probably committed over the years. I have extreme social anxiety, but when actually committed to a conversation I open up far too much and living in a small community its just making me not want to go out at all. 

I've tried masking for years but truth is I just don't have the energy to mask or keep friendships going. I'm panicking a lot and feel at odds with the world. I feel too much! I feel like a fraud as I have no diagnosis, I feel like I will lose the plot if I'm diagnosed and be even worse if I remain undiagnosed. I am sick of hearing were all on the spectrum it just doesn't help me at all I don't understand the world or the people in it and want to hide away or be mute.

I don't have any answers no one takes me seriously so I don't feel like I can talk about it. 

  • I've been referred for assessment, and I'm waiting to hear back from them. Meanwhile, I've had a preliminary assessment from the Wellbeing service, on account of persistent anxiety and recurring depression. Before that, I actually thought I was doing fairly well, but I just wanted to find out if I'm really autistic. But now I've had to think about my problems, they've come into sharper focus, and I feel a lot worse. Sometimes I wish I'd left things as they were, because I'm struggling to find the equilibrium I had. I didn't realise how detached I'd become from my emotions, and now I'm crying over the slightest thing. I suppose I'm looking for reassurance that this is part of the process, and it'll be worth it in the end. I'm not sure who I am any more.

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