Published on 12, July, 2020
I have a sixteen year old Son, who over the years has seen the Paediatrician on and off, with a view to having a formal ASD assessment in conjunction with school.
This has never happened and in the end I gave up. Official diagnosis or no official diagnosis, he clearly presents with some milder Asperger's traits and as he moves into young adulthood, life is getting trickier for him.
I feel that his difficulties are a hidden barrier to his development as a young person, because his traits are not always obvious to others.
He is painfully shy and awkward in social situations, particularly at school, to the point that it gives him anxiety. He often says he feels physically unable to speak if he is asked a question in class, for fear of his peers mocking him. I think this is because he has a reputation for being a quiet loner and a bit quirky. He certainly has difficulty making 'small talk' type conversations. He just doesn't get that for the most part. Everything is an intensely academic and philosophical discussion with him, bordering on a lecture
His way of dealing with this over the past few years has been to keep his head down and make himself as invisible as possible. He does have one friend in the year below him at school that he hangs out with at lunchtime, but I wouldn't say they were close.
He also never goes out in the school holidays, unless it's with family members. So he isn't learning to be independent, which is a worry.
Lately he has expressed his frustrations to me about how he wishes he could fit in. He feels like no one gets him amongst his peers and his differences have become more apparent to him as he enters young adulthood. He uses words like outcast and weird to describe himself.
I want to find him some ways to start socialising with other people his age, that experience similar difficulties socially, but I don't really know where to start.
Apologies for the big speech. I've never used a forum before and have never really talked about my Son's issues to anyone other than close friends and family before.
But if anyone on here has any advice, it would be most welcome.
Thanks.
Will do. Thanks again.
Thanks again. That's a really good idea. I'm actually signed up to our local meetup thing already. I never thought of using it for my Son. I feel more positive already. Thank you so much for chatting. It's good to speak to an adult who has navigated his way through the nightmare of the teen years with an ASD.
There's a website called meetup.com with local people arranging local social events and meetings - there may be a local film-making group to you. It's quite easy to go along to these type of events as an autie because odds are the NTs are nervous and scared too with their first mmetings with strangers.There's no expectations of anything from a group of strangers..
Some people sit and let others do the talking, some people are more forward and interactive. It's easy to 'hide' for a few meetings until he gets confidence. If they are a special interest group, then there's a good chance some of them are AS too.
Thanks Plastic. That's very encouraging. I'll definitely take on board what you've said and sow a few seeds next time I'm chatting with my Son . He's so stubborn. But if you sow an idea and let him mull it over, he usually comes to things in his own good time.
I suppose it's great that he does talk to me about his worries, as he heads towards the next chapter of his life.
His interests are writing, film making, independent films and Avant Garde music from the late sixties! Very telling that he is drawn to eccentric creative people. I think he sees them as kindred spirits. He loves Captain Beefheart, Zappa etc.
I'm going to try and get him some voluntary work experience at our local Arthouse cinema next year if I can. Once he's left school and has another year of maturing under his belt. Do you think that would be a good idea?
One thing I remember from being 16 and obviously different to everyone was that no-one mentioned it to me or gave me clues of what was coming up for me and what skills I would need to keep up with my peer group. I had to figure it all out for myself - which meant I became detached from my friends as they grew up. I was able to measure & compare my behaviours to theirs and copy the basic patterns.
I deduced that I was never going to see 99% of my school peers once I left school so I struck out on my own - I went to gigs, I got on my bike and explored the local area, got on busses & trains and developed my own way of getting around. - I also ended up with a girlfriend.
I was 110% nerdy and seriously into electronics - so I ended up working for an electronics company where my AS meant that I could out-perform all of the slow-learning NTs.
I think the difference was confidence to learn & fail. I think I got that from my mother probably being AS too (looking back, she showed all the traits) - she gave up parental duties when I was able to feed myself - sink or swim from the age of 6.