Marriage difficulties - help!

It appears, from the small amount of information you have given, that you got into a pattern, relatively early on in your marriage, where you learned to understand him, adapt yourself to his needs while compromising your own. 

This seems to have worked for a number of years. However, you are now experiencing the effects of ignoring your own needs in favour of somebody else’s, which will naturally have an impact on him.

You gave a short summary of his (most dominant?) behaviour patterns. For example, he is childlike in his behaviour, sulky, stroppy and unhelpful. As you have been growing in your understanding of your husband, is this type of behaviour new? If so, could it be as a reaction to you’re new behaviour, i.e. you are no longer happy to give without return? 

For example, you said that you are worn out from the strategy that previously worked to help you both enjoy a harmonious relationship ~ i.e. your decision to forgoe your needs in order to meet his. 

Are you saying this strategy is no longer working or is it that you are no longer able to sustain and maintain it to the levels you previously achieved therefore it’s not so much that the strategy isn’t working but that you are no longer able to work it? 

If that is the case then yes, you are in need of a new strategy. You need to find a different way to be understanding of his needs and to find new ways of meeting them that you can sustain without getting worn out, which is bound to have repercussions on his behaviour, so you not getting worn out is very important. Autistic people often need consistency in their care and any change to the care can be very unsettling to say the least. I would also strongly suggest that you also pay attention to your own needs as not meeting them can wear you out as well. 

It sounds like you’ve switched tactics without giving him any prior notice, or you may have given him notice, it’s not clear. For example, you state that you have been asking him for a kiss and a hug, morning and evening (i.e. you have started to ask him to now meet some of your needs) ~ is this something new? I know I’d find that incredibly stressful and if not addressed, it could end the relationship, if it was something my partner started to do out of the blue, without warning and without a clear explanation as to why they wanted me to do that. 

You said you’re holding onto the relationship with a thread. It’s not clear what you mean by that. 

Is this the first time in your relationship that you have asked him to meet some of your needs? For example, have you asked him for kisses and hugs morning and evening throughout your marriage or is this something new? Have you always wanted these things but you have never asked before? None of this is clear. It would definitely freak me out if my partner suddenly asked me to do this. It would have the opposite effect on me. I wouldn’t want to go anywhere near them. Not because I don’t like kissing or hugging them but that I wouldn’t understand why they suddenly wanted me to do it and my PDA (pathological demand avoidance) would go through the roof to the point I would rather end my relationship than be forced into doing something I didn’t want to do or that I didn’t understand. If they explained it to me in a way I could understand and gave me enough time to process it etc, I’m sure I could manage it but not if it came out of the blue. 

Have you told your husband that the strain of meeting his needs while ignoring your own is getting too much for you now and that you would like to try a different way of doing things? Maybe you would like to meet less of his needs and for a period of time at least, you would like him to give less attention to his needs and more attention to meeting yours? 

For example, would you like him to meet your need to not feel lonely? Have you been very clear with him how he could do that?  We often (aspies) need very specific instructions as we can’t always guess what’s needed from physical cues etc. 

Is the strain coming from meeting his needs and if so, could you maybe consider not meeting them for a while, until you feel better or maybe he could get some support from somewhere else so you don’t have to do that anymore? 

It sounds like you both love each other very much and have so far been successful in your marriage. These are good signs. You said he was accepting of the (informal) diagnosis yet he holds resentment towards them for uncovering it. Maybe he’s not as accepting as he claims. 

It sounds like you might need to put your focus on yourself for a while. Meet your own needs, get lots of rest, look after yourself, bring some fun into your life maybe, spend some time with friends and family or start going out more, get an interest. I’m sorry, I’m not much help with this one, feeling lonely, as I don’t feel lonely so I don’t know what a person would do to not feel lonely. As for the sadness, do you feel sad all the time or just when you think about your husband and your marriage? Maybe you need a break from thinking about it and him and spend some time looking after yourself. Is he able to function at home and elsewhere without your input for a while so you can take some time to look after yourself? Everything looks different when we come at it from a place of rest and happiness rather than stress and sadness. 

It appears, from the small amount of information you have given, that you got into a pattern, relatively early on in your marriage, where you learned to understand him, adapt yourself to his needs while compromising your own. 

This seems to have worked for a number of years. However, you are now experiencing the effects of ignoring your own needs in favour of somebody else’s, which will naturally have an impact on him.

You gave a short summary of his (most dominant?) behaviour patterns. For example, he is childlike in his behaviour, sulky, stroppy and unhelpful. As you have been growing in your understanding of your husband, is this type of behaviour new? If so, could it be as a reaction to you’re new behaviour, i.e. you are no longer happy to give without return? 

For example, you said that you are worn out from the strategy that previously worked to help you both enjoy a harmonious relationship ~ i.e. your decision to forgoe your needs in order to meet his. 

Are you saying this strategy is no longer working or is it that you are no longer able to sustain and maintain it to the levels you previously achieved therefore it’s not so much that the strategy isn’t working but that you are no longer able to work it? 

If that is the case then yes, you are in need of a new strategy. You need to find a different way to be understanding of his needs and to find new ways of meeting them that you can sustain without getting worn out, which is bound to have repercussions on his behaviour, so you not getting worn out is very important. Autistic people often need consistency in their care and any change to the care can be very unsettling to say the least. I would also strongly suggest that you also pay attention to your own needs as not meeting them can wear you out as well. 

It sounds like you’ve switched tactics without giving him any prior notice, or you may have given him notice, it’s not clear. For example, you state that you have been asking him for a kiss and a hug, morning and evening (i.e. you have started to ask him to now meet some of your needs) ~ is this something new? I know I’d find that incredibly stressful and if not addressed, it could end the relationship, if it was something my partner started to do out of the blue, without warning and without a clear explanation as to why they wanted me to do that. 

You said you’re holding onto the relationship with a thread. It’s not clear what you mean by that. 

Is this the first time in your relationship that you have asked him to meet some of your needs? For example, have you asked him for kisses and hugs morning and evening throughout your marriage or is this something new? Have you always wanted these things but you have never asked before? None of this is clear. It would definitely freak me out if my partner suddenly asked me to do this. It would have the opposite effect on me. I wouldn’t want to go anywhere near them. Not because I don’t like kissing or hugging them but that I wouldn’t understand why they suddenly wanted me to do it and my PDA (pathological demand avoidance) would go through the roof to the point I would rather end my relationship than be forced into doing something I didn’t want to do or that I didn’t understand. If they explained it to me in a way I could understand and gave me enough time to process it etc, I’m sure I could manage it but not if it came out of the blue. 

Have you told your husband that the strain of meeting his needs while ignoring your own is getting too much for you now and that you would like to try a different way of doing things? Maybe you would like to meet less of his needs and for a period of time at least, you would like him to give less attention to his needs and more attention to meeting yours? 

For example, would you like him to meet your need to not feel lonely? Have you been very clear with him how he could do that?  We often (aspies) need very specific instructions as we can’t always guess what’s needed from physical cues etc. 

Is the strain coming from meeting his needs and if so, could you maybe consider not meeting them for a while, until you feel better or maybe he could get some support from somewhere else so you don’t have to do that anymore? 

It sounds like you both love each other very much and have so far been successful in your marriage. These are good signs. You said he was accepting of the (informal) diagnosis yet he holds resentment towards them for uncovering it. Maybe he’s not as accepting as he claims. 

It sounds like you might need to put your focus on yourself for a while. Meet your own needs, get lots of rest, look after yourself, bring some fun into your life maybe, spend some time with friends and family or start going out more, get an interest. I’m sorry, I’m not much help with this one, feeling lonely, as I don’t feel lonely so I don’t know what a person would do to not feel lonely. As for the sadness, do you feel sad all the time or just when you think about your husband and your marriage? Maybe you need a break from thinking about it and him and spend some time looking after yourself. Is he able to function at home and elsewhere without your input for a while so you can take some time to look after yourself? Everything looks different when we come at it from a place of rest and happiness rather than stress and sadness. 

Thank you for your thoughtful and considerate response. I'm very grateful for the support you and others are showing.  I believe he is depressed and that is worth exploring.  We used to be regularly intimate and cuddle nightly with regular big hugs. Now nothing which is why I asked him for a kiss and cuddle to remind him that this has always been there between us but not now.  He's gone through a period of unemployment but quickly gets jobs but had nothing steady which has wrecked the routine. This is where both our stress levels has gone up because he is not IT friendly and relies on me. Demanding is any understatement and strops if I say no because I'm tired or busy doing everything else. I work full time too and not getting any help at all. This all makes me think you are right... He's depressed.  I sent my message in desperation can't think you enough for the response.