Wife of suspected aspergers/HFA husband looking for advice


I have lived with with my husband for 20 years.  It has taken a long time, but I have come to the conclusion that he has Aspergers. This came to me in a lightbulb moment whilst trying to shed light on a couple of similar traits in our teenage son.

My husband has often said he feels he is different, but been unable to say how. He presents to the outside as fairly 'normal' (I hate than word!) He has held down a job for most of his life - although it was a job with a high degree of autonomy for the most part.  He has had two 10 year relationships prior to me, one of whom he was married to, both of which broke down.  He appears very sociable, although I have come to realise that this is largely superficial. When socialising he can be very intense, although romantically he was quite nervous from the start and in some areas remains so even now.

From a couple of year after living together I noticed problems many of which were in themselves quite minor and so they didn't bother me too much to begin with.  I can't move furniture in the house.  I can't choose furniture in the house. My choice is usually restricted to a choice between the things my husband likes.  He struggles, really struggles to see anyone elses viewpoint on issues he feels emotionally connected to. 'Compromise' to him means everyone else coming round to his way of thinking. He can identify unacceptable behaviour in others, but cannot see that same behaviour in himself. He will say horrible things sometimes and he doesn't know why - he is only able to say that he doesn't mean it.  He struggles with what I call routine affection and reassurances in our relationship and also the intimate aspects of a long term relationship. He doesn't see the need and has told me this.  I used to think he was selfish and uncaring, but that is at odds with other areas of our life where he clearly does care and loves our family very much.  When I get upset over something he has said or done he is upset that I am upset.  He wants me to feel better.  But he seems blind to his role in the upset. He finds saying sorry difficult - I assume because he a) can't see what he has done wrong or b) didn't mean it so theres no need to apologise.  On occasion I have tried hard to explain and he says he understands, but his understanding seems akin to telling a blind man what an apple looks like. He can take in the explanation, but he still doesn't SEE it.  I could also write pages about his relationship with pets - one of whom I think he has loved more than any human in his life.  Our problems would be solved instantly if he could treat me like he does our cat!

We have discussed the possibility of Aspergers.  This also coincided with the Chris Packham TV programme about his experiences and my husband recognised that this may be the problem.  I also identified with the things Chris's girlfriend said.

We have talked about this together and we really want to make our relationship work because we do love each other.  In lots of ways he is a wonderful person and a great partner. I have never met anyone like him and he supports me daily in so many ways.  The problems areas are all connected to what I understand as Asperger traits. He has been trying very very hard to give me those moments of affection I need and to see things from my point of view.  But I can see the struggle and cost to him.  It just doesn't come naturally.  For my part I am trying to recognise when he needs time out to recharge.  That is hard for me too, but we are both trying.

I have been looking for books on the subject which may help, but I am at loss where to start. So much seems focussed on children and isn't relevant to my husband who is now in his 60s, having lived with this for all his life.

And this is the main reason for my post - sorry it has been so long!  Can anyone recommend any books to read for couples like us where the realisation of Aspergers has come late in life.  Perhaps something that could help both my husband and I understand our different needs better so that we can move towards a middle ground and communicate more effectively.

Thanks for reading.  Sorry it has been so long!

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