My name is Gary and I am a new member as of today. My wife and I have been married for over 20 years now (second time around for both of us) and it is because of her that I am here.
My eldest daughter has been diagnosed with Aspergers as was her former husband. She is now divorced from him because of his unreasonable behaviour due to Aspergers.
I am 64 years of age and have known for several years, probably since a teenager, that something was 'not quite right' with me. I had no clue what it was and it did get me into a lot of difficulties as a teenager but of course, back then, not many people understood what Autism was let alone HF Autism like Aspergers. So I have lived most of my life not understanding some of my odd behaviour and the 'melt downs' that I suffered over the years, as I described it as like someone 'throwing a switch' and, when it was all over, not knowing why I had 'blown my top' over something so trivial.
My wife's persistence in trying to find out what was going on, seeking medical intervention by my GP, the MentalHealth Crisi team and some psychiatric analysis, failed to identify my issue despite suggestions I had Bi Polar and concluding I was suffering from complex PTSD! However a chance viewing of a video on you tube led her to look into the whole aspect of Aspergers, which for her seemed to tick all the boxes that explained my behaviour. I am exceptionally grateful that she has 'stuck it out' as I have no doubt that a lesser woman would have given up on me years ago and chosen a different route without me.
As of today, having spoken to my eldest daughter and asking her bluntly if she thought I had Aspergers, I was shocked by the response of 'yes dad, you have had it for years!' When I think back to how I behaved towards my kids at times, I broke down in tears. It has been very difficult coming to terms with how my behaviour has affected my children and my first marriage.
Ok, so I haven't had a professional diagnosis but having watched the same you tube videos as my spouse, read some of the 'signs and symptoms' of Aspergers, I have to conclude that indeed it is my issue.
I am here to learn much more about this misunderstood condition and to try and find strategies to alleviate, as far as possible, those behaviours that have damaged my relationships. My wife has been an absolute rock and my eldest daughter, because of her diagnosis, understands what I am going through right now in trying to rationalise what has happened over the years.
Thanks for listening.
Your introduction is very thorough and I can certainly recognise myself in some of what you've said.
I guess you've already found some books about marriage where one individual is on the spectrum?
BlueRay and others will be along in a minute to give you better advice than I can.
I’m not sure I or anyone else can give ‘better’ advice than you DongFeng, I think we all simply draw on our experiences and offer them up with the intention of being of some help, but thank you for the mention.
I, like many others on here are in a similar position as you Gary, and I have learned and continue to learn so much from the good people on this site. Probably the best thing I could say to you right now, would be to follow your daughters advice, be easy on yourself, expect some bumps along the way and remember that while it’s ok to make amends to people for harm we may have caused, we don’t have to keep on paying for it (by torturing ourselves endlessly) besides which, we did our best and had we known better we would have done better.