Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, everybody, my name is Nick, I'm a 28-year-old male while though never diagnosed thoroughly believes there is a high probability of me being autistic.
Throughout my life I have been unable to make certain maturation milestones that my peers have made, always feeling like I'm stuck at different developmental ages within my own psyche. I still live with my parents and haven't been able to successfully finish even a 2-year degree due to the anxiety and frustrations that shut me out of the world for extended periods of time.
I took an IQ test for my therapist when I was about 16 and scored a 147 on the Stanford Binet exam. My intelligence, however, is what I think may have prevented me from getting the actual help I needed my whole life because somehow I always slid under the radar.I was diagnosed bipolar when I was around the age of 16 as well. My mind works like a computer, always streaming some sort of data patterns, numbers words and symbols constantly appear to me throughout my everyday life to the point of it becoming debilitating at times.. I can't relate to people my own age, and always have felt like an outcast or alien. I've never had good social skills and always mirrored the behavior of the people around me, never quite being able to have an identity of my own, and unfortunately for me people have preyed upon my naivety or innocence, knowing I have immense trouble making decisions for myself, so at several periods in my life I have been at the whim of other people because of an overtrusting nature.
After a long day at work, which I barely manage by frequently excusing myself to the back room to regather my thoughts, I often have uncontrollable outbursts in my car on the way home, yelling at myself and sometimes having violent ticks or body jerking as I replay even the most nuanced thing that could have gone wrong that day in my eyes.
I have a lot of problems with sensory information.. Too much and I get migraines. My ears are so sensitive to sound that they perk up and slightly retract back like a dog to even subtle changes in the airwaves. I can't watch a lot of television programming or movies because I have so many triggers for stress that I am reduced to watching mainly cartoons because they are one of the few things that don't make me "sick"..
I've never successfully held a romantic relationship. In all honesty, I haven't asked a girl out in years, I've always been approached, and I think it is in part due to my general aloofness to the things around me, I don't know really how to approach people in general with an appropriate level of communication, let alone somebody who I may be interested..
Ex's of mine have compared me to be robotic in nature, and behave as if I'm running on some sort of program. When I get overly stressed I sometimes make these bizarre gestures with my hands as if I am holding an imaginary phone, middle three fingers folded in with my pinky and thumb sticking out and jerk or rotate them around as if I'm trying to fish the words or way I'm trying to communicate out of my own head yet can't... These gestures are something I tried to hide until recently because I've been doing everything in my power to try to incorporate and accept all of the parts of me into a hopefully totally integrated whole, yet people around me are off-put by it so I try to keep it under wraps, but that in itself causes me more anxiety...
I have always had bad motor coordination, and used to get very frequent injuries due to that which has led to me having to have 4 ligament reconstructions, 2 on each ankle. I have a very good sense of the meanings of words, yet when speaking with other people having no sense what they mean when they speak to me.. Like I understand the words as words yet can never decipher what people mean when they speak to me. I recently brought up my growing concerns with my family and friends. I did some research and suggested we take one of those AQ tests together.. Though I'm not sure how reliable those things are the results were very disconcerting due to the fact that she got a 17/50 while I landed a 44/50.
The response from my friends was honestly not one of shock. "I thought you already knew, and would just speak on it when you felt comfortable. Talon(her son) has Aspergers and the two of you are like peas in a pod when you're together"..I also briefly dated a woman with a bachelors in psychology who has an autistic son and her and her family always would allude to us having identical mannerisms and suggested I may have it as well..
I only recently started taking up writing. It has helped me greatly in terms of not feeling like such a prisoner in my own mind and is very therapeutic for me. If this was a conversation that I would have to have face to face with you guys, though, I know wholeheartedly I would be unable to do so without having a legitimate mental breakdown. I'm crying as I type this in fact. Before I can even attempt to spend time with most people I replay these scenarios in my head of what I'm going to say or they might say, creating these wild scenarios hoping I can figure out how to communicate better.
I don't know where to even begin to get help or have these issues finally addressed by a doctor. I don't know that I would be able to effectively get the things across that I need to, and that in and of itself gives me more anxiety. If any of you have any advice as to how I can seek out a professional, and how I can speak with them better so I can be heard I would be forever in your debt.
I hope you all had a blessed and Merry Christmas full of family and love.
Thanks again,
Nick
Nick 1989, have you tried Autism Services Directory?
Do you think you could write a letter to your GP to kick things off?
I think a letter would be my best bet because I feel like I can articulate myself better, but I just don't know what to say, or how to compile it. I had such trouble even writing the OP that I think I edited it like 20 times for minor grammatical errors because some part of me thinks the slightest error in my speech will render me misunderstood..
Alright, what points do you wish to get across? Enumerate them here, in your order of importance.
I don't have a strong opinion about that. By all means include the EQ as well if you like, but if that would start you off on perfectionism (something I know a bit about...), just go with the AQ as is. ;)
I have read that the Aspie Quiz might not be as well thought of in medical circles as the AQ/EQ tests, but I'm no expert on that. I did however find my own Aspie Quiz results interesting because it gave me an insight into areas where I do less well compared with NTs (and surprise, surprise, it's the social stuff...).
Thank you so much! Do you recommend I list the results of the other 2 tests that Andrew recommended I take, or should I just stick with the AQ results?
Print out your OP from "Throughout my life I have..." to "...I may have it as well.." and add it as additional pages to the letter.
Include the distribution curves for the AQ50.
Job done.
This particular letter does not need to be perfect, it just needs to generate the desired response from your GP, which is presumably to meet you and listen.
Good luck.
Right then. Here's the first draft of that letter:
<<your address>>
<<today's date>>
<<GP's address>>
Re: Request for formal ASD diagnostic process
Dear Dr. <<insert your GP's name here>>,
I am very interested in finding out more about a possible Autism Spectrum diagnosis because I have increasingly felt that I may fit such a profile. I have recently scored 44/50 on the standard AQ50 instrument. In addition to this letter, I am enclosing additional background material which I hope may assist you in reaching a decision on this matter.
My own goals from a possible ASD assessment are as follows:
I wish to feel connected, I feel detached from reality and find myself fading into my own world inside my head where I feel safe. I want to be able to learn how to control my thoughts so that my thoughts don't control me if that makes any sense.
I wish I could have less rigidity in my daily activities without being completely thrown off kilter by the slightest inadvertent misstep of my normal routine. That way hopefully I'll be able to learn to live on my own and not stuck living with my parents all my life.
I wish that I could use verbal communication better to talk about things that really matter to me without breaking down into tears because the intensity in my mind exceeds what I am able to convey with words when I feel pressured into speech in an actual face to face situation.
I wish I could engage in the activities or enjoy certain things with my peers that by all accounts seem like normal things to be doing or watching to an outsider yet somehow trigger me, leaving me feeling isolated and like a bad friend.
I wish I had better emotional regulation... I swing from having a smile stuck on my face for hours lost in a fantasy some days appearing to have not a care in the world, totally stoic sometimes when I get 'trapped' super deep in my mind with more of a lost/confused look due to some sort of disassociation, or sometimes really aggressive and mean towards myself... I'll yell at myself and put myself down for my inability to just "act right" so to speak..
It all boils down to me wanting to learn how to hopefully someday be okay with myself and live an actual full life like a real adult living in the real world. I just want to be a healthy productive member of society and not always feel like I'm on the fringe.
Many thanks for your kind attention.
Yours sincerely,
<<Your real name>>