Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
im new to this so please be nice!
Im a dad to two wonderful boys. 2 years ago my wife turned around out of the blue and left me. My oldest son is 9 and youngest is 3. It has been a tough couple of years with financial issues but also my ex is being massively controlling and just wants to forget all about the past family life and move on. We share custody with me 5 days out of 14, I am trying to get more but she’s blocking this which breaks my heart as it’s what both myself and my oldest want.
My oldest son has always been different and checked for autism etc 3 yrs ago however they just said he’s a worrier. Since his family splitting up he said some stuff to a joint friend that made me worry and get him into counselling as I felt he wasn’t coping with what had happened. My ex went mad and threatened to stop me seeing my boys if I took him to counselling as she said nothing was wrong with him and he’s fine. I went against her and got him into counselling even though I had no money and it all went on credit cards. The counselling was cut short as my ex mentioned to my boy about a football clud that ran at the Same time!! We met with the counsellor and she said that he blames himself, has massive self esteem issues, won’t let her in (and she didn’t get chance to get ‘in’) and she’s the one that pointed out that he was being very controlling in the sessions and she thought he may be in the spectrum.
He is now going under checks for autism etc but taking forever however the paediatrician says she thinks he probably is and also may have NF1 (both boys).
my concern right now is that my ex who has been really controlling for the last two years and to be honest just wants to move on with her new life and won’t admt my son is struggling has over the last 4 months, met a new man (with two week break between her ex), introduced him and his family within 1 week of my kids knowing they existed, and now a few months later have sat my oldest down and said they are going to all move in together!!! I’ve complained to my ex that the speed of this and the lack of consideration for my oldest feelings has not been taken into account in the slightest.
I’ve ended up in counselling due to the selfish actions of my ex (booking boys birthday parties without discussions with me and then just saying ‘you’ve got to cancel plans and come’ and changing plans at xmas, constant digs, accusations of neglect due to youngest having Nappie rash on really hot day (he runs a lot! - you get the jist)
Im really worried about how he is coping with all this. He’s constantly worried, feels like he can’t talk openly to me or his mum about how he really feels (not that he ever tells me what he’s really thinking) and seems miserable. My ex won’t talk about the past with him whereas I will. He even wanted a photo of our old familY house for Xmas
me and my ex are in mediation at the moment as she’s just constantly unreasonable or inconsiderate when it comes to me and my parental needs. I’ve told her on email i want to discuss all this as worried about our son. The problem is she doesn’t recognise that she’s doing anything wrong so I don’t know how to try and get her to change her ways. I’m at my wits end and really worried about how my sons coping.
my ex just wants to get her new life sorted as fast as possible. I’ve told her she should have slowly integrated her new man and then his family into the kids lives but she went mad when o said this and now she’s on about them all moving in together after only 3-4 months of my son knowing this family existed.
I don’t care about my ex and im sure her fella is nice as she is a great mum... I just don’t know how to sort this out as she can’t see what she’s doing. Is there any professional I can tell all this to who can help me???
Any advice much appreciated.
autism check referral is taking ages....
Hi NAS35809, this is a tough situation indeed, so no matter what happens, it’s not going to be easy, my heart goes out to all of you. I’ll give you my perspective, but please don’t take anything I say the wrong way. I’m a metaphysician so my perspectives sometimes needs a bit extra explaining as I see things from a different perspective.
First of all you have to accept that you are never going to change your ex. None of us can do that, with anybody. The best we can hope for if we go down that route, is that people simply comply with us, not necessarily making changes because they can see the value but to appease us, for whatever reason. When you let go of the belief that you need to change her, in any way at all, you immediately release yourself from a lot of stress. This can take some work on your part, but it’s possible. When you do that, you arrive at a place of complete acceptance.
When we accept a situation, it doesn’t mean we like it or we have to go along with someone else’s views, not in the least. It means we accept the things we cannot change (what’s happened) and we work on changing the things we can. When we do that successfully, we often find that people are more willing to work with us, and not against us.
Maybe you could start by writing down what it is that you would most desire. For example, you would love to have more time to spend with your boys. You would love to have the time to build your relationship with your boys and play a significant role in their lives. You would love to support your ex in her role as your children’s mother. You know she is a good mother and you are grateful and happy that your children have parents who love their children. You have to leave your ex out of this or your feelings about the way she chooses to parent the children. For example, you might not agree with the way she has moved on so quickly and introduced this new guy and his family into the picture so quickly. But that’s not the issue here. That is something that has happened and you can’t change that. You can express what you want for your boys. A stable upbringing and parents who can at least get on but forget about what she’s done or hadn’t done. Keep reminding yourself of what’s important. You have two wonderful boys who you love dearly, that is special and this should remain your focus. No child’s life is perfect, so you don’t want to spend too much time on what’s not perfect and spent more time on being present with your children and enjoying as much time with them as you can, despite the circumstances.
You’re doing the right thing getting support for yourself, you need it. There are specific groups for fathers which might help as well.
Try not to think of what your ex is doing as ‘wrong’ because ultimately none of us can say what’s ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, we’re all just doing our best. And sometimes our best is atrocious but if that’s our best, it’s good enough. If you think of her as wrong, there is a conflict already there and you don’t want conflict, you want resolution.
Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for and although their means may not be the best, they will be the best for them at the time and given time, love, understanding, patience and compassion, we can, over time, make things easier for them and through our actions, we can help them find better ways to cope and deal with life’s difficulties.
Don’t let the feelings of fear, worry and sadness get in the way. Write a list of all the things you’re grateful for. Write a list of all the beautiful moments that you’ve shared with your children. Then everyday, before you start your day, or whenever you need to, spend 15 minutes reliving those moments. Go through the list and relive each moment. Get right into it. Sit comfortably and remember the sounds, the smells, the smiles on your children’s faces, the laughter, what you said to them, what they said to you, etc. Do this for 15 minutes. Then every night before you go to bed, review your day, anything you don’t like, change. Imagine it going a different way. Then right out a list of 5 things you’re grateful for. It could be a sunset, a strangers smile, a warm bed, a roof over your head, anything that you’re grateful for. This does something in the mind, it’s changing neural pathways in the brain.
You have to get your mind clear on what you do want and not on what you don’t want and don’t think of your wife as the enemy.
Your boys are very lucky to have a daddy like you, not all little boys have that. Let that be your focus. Find it in your heart to forgive your ex and know that she’s doing the best she can. If you focus on what you can change, you will find that your ex will come round. Make sure you look after you so you are really there for your boys and not only that, you can all have a nice time when you’re together and you can enjoy the break when they’re with their mother.
When you go to mediation go with a clear mind and a loving heart with your boys interests as the focus and be clear about what you want and listen to what your ex wants or says.
You’re doing great, these things take time and you can lay your head on your pillow every night, knowing that you’re doing everything you can. You can’t do more than that so you can sleep peacefully. Have a lovely Christmas and make some nice memories with your boys. You could also spend some time learning as much as you can about autism. There’s some great info on this site, there are YouTube blogs and books. You can look for courses that are available in your area. You don’t have to wait for the diagnosis. You can begin to learn what wonderful souls we are. This is what we need more than anything, for people to understand us, as much as they can. Look for things you can do and forget about what you can’t. You’re a lucky man, you have two wonderful boys who have a mother who loves them and a daddy who loves them very much. Much love to you.