Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
im new to this so please be nice!
Im a dad to two wonderful boys. 2 years ago my wife turned around out of the blue and left me. My oldest son is 9 and youngest is 3. It has been a tough couple of years with financial issues but also my ex is being massively controlling and just wants to forget all about the past family life and move on. We share custody with me 5 days out of 14, I am trying to get more but she’s blocking this which breaks my heart as it’s what both myself and my oldest want.
My oldest son has always been different and checked for autism etc 3 yrs ago however they just said he’s a worrier. Since his family splitting up he said some stuff to a joint friend that made me worry and get him into counselling as I felt he wasn’t coping with what had happened. My ex went mad and threatened to stop me seeing my boys if I took him to counselling as she said nothing was wrong with him and he’s fine. I went against her and got him into counselling even though I had no money and it all went on credit cards. The counselling was cut short as my ex mentioned to my boy about a football clud that ran at the Same time!! We met with the counsellor and she said that he blames himself, has massive self esteem issues, won’t let her in (and she didn’t get chance to get ‘in’) and she’s the one that pointed out that he was being very controlling in the sessions and she thought he may be in the spectrum.
He is now going under checks for autism etc but taking forever however the paediatrician says she thinks he probably is and also may have NF1 (both boys).
my concern right now is that my ex who has been really controlling for the last two years and to be honest just wants to move on with her new life and won’t admt my son is struggling has over the last 4 months, met a new man (with two week break between her ex), introduced him and his family within 1 week of my kids knowing they existed, and now a few months later have sat my oldest down and said they are going to all move in together!!! I’ve complained to my ex that the speed of this and the lack of consideration for my oldest feelings has not been taken into account in the slightest.
I’ve ended up in counselling due to the selfish actions of my ex (booking boys birthday parties without discussions with me and then just saying ‘you’ve got to cancel plans and come’ and changing plans at xmas, constant digs, accusations of neglect due to youngest having Nappie rash on really hot day (he runs a lot! - you get the jist)
Im really worried about how he is coping with all this. He’s constantly worried, feels like he can’t talk openly to me or his mum about how he really feels (not that he ever tells me what he’s really thinking) and seems miserable. My ex won’t talk about the past with him whereas I will. He even wanted a photo of our old familY house for Xmas
me and my ex are in mediation at the moment as she’s just constantly unreasonable or inconsiderate when it comes to me and my parental needs. I’ve told her on email i want to discuss all this as worried about our son. The problem is she doesn’t recognise that she’s doing anything wrong so I don’t know how to try and get her to change her ways. I’m at my wits end and really worried about how my sons coping.
my ex just wants to get her new life sorted as fast as possible. I’ve told her she should have slowly integrated her new man and then his family into the kids lives but she went mad when o said this and now she’s on about them all moving in together after only 3-4 months of my son knowing this family existed.
I don’t care about my ex and im sure her fella is nice as she is a great mum... I just don’t know how to sort this out as she can’t see what she’s doing. Is there any professional I can tell all this to who can help me???
Any advice much appreciated.
autism check referral is taking ages....
.. hug...
tough tines...my mum walked out when I was 14, out of the blue....my dad was a wreck...no one has replied to you...I wanted to say...I know your pain...you are dealing with so much and I’m glad you found here x
Thanks for the response and words much appreciated , it has been tough but I’ll be ok, just worried how my son is seeing it all and trying to protect him best I can. I feel like it’s only me who thinks for a sensitive and likely autistic boy her behaviour is out of order and totally selfish. I’m trying to find online some information about parental separation and how they should behave to take into account autistic children and how to minimise the amount of pain they go through (to try and get my ex to see what she’s doino). Wondered if anyone on here has been on the receiving end and how they found it
If it’s only you, that thinks for a sensitive and likely autistic boy, trust me, he’s very lucky, that’s one more person than I had. And you don’t have to be alone with it, you have all of us here and there’s tons more help and support out there as well. Sometimes it’s hard to find, granted, but it is out there, you don’t have to be alone with it.
If your ex’s behaviour is out of order and selfish, she’s not alone in that. I think we can probably all put our hands up to that, at some times in our lives. We can’t condemn her for her actions. We might not like them but I doubt you will get your ex to see it like that, and if you did, what then? Try not to see yourself on the receiving end of anything. You are in control of how you respond to her behaviour and the best response is to observe from an unemotional perspective and think, ok, what can I do to minimise the hurt and confusion and changes that are happening in my children’s lives. You’re doing the right thing, looking to find out what you can do which is way more than what many others do in your situation. You should be very proud of yourself, you’re doing a really great job under very difficult circumstances, it often feels like a thankless task but you are making a significant contribution to your children’s welfare and that is extremely valuable. You’re the best Christmas gift your boys could ever wish for, even if they don’t know that yet.