I've hit the wall of despair

Sorry in advance, but this is going to be a fairly pessimistic post.

I've hit that point that I have named 'the wall of despair'.  I've only recently had a diagnosis, so in the past, when I hit this point, I end up circling down a dark hole that is very difficult to climb out of.

My 'ways' as they are often termed, have cost me so much over the years and it has taken a massive toll on my health and well-being at times.  My life has been spent working endlessly to fit in and navigate obstacle after obstacle.  I work hard so that I can have a successful career that helps take away the stresses of paying bills and having a roof over my head, but it all comes at a cost.  I become exhausted, overwhelmed, as well as being physically and mentally burnt out.

Recently I have had to cope with a number of changes and knee jerks at work and I don't know if it is directly related, but all aspects of life just seem totally overwhelming to me.  Every task that needs completing, bill that needs paying, food that needs prepping is one more thing pushing me closer to snapping.  The result is that I am constantly miserable, snappy, over sensitive and constantly fatigued.  My partner, bless him, tolerates it well, but it's not fair on either of us.

Today I reached that point which I try to avoid at all costs.  I am not an emotional person at all and rarely express emotion, however, today the flood gates opened where you go from nothing to feeling everything in full volume pure high definition.  This means my anxiety levels soar, my heart rate rises, I get pains in my chest and am on the verge of tears and the only way I know how to deal with it to stop me having a complete emotional breakdown, is to run away from whatever situation I am in.  As a result, I have walked out of the office today as I couldn't cope with it.

I've reached that point in my life where I am tired of constantly having to go round and round in this pattern.  I am good at my job, but me reacting in this way and making myself ill has cost me one career and I am starting to think I am hanging on to my current one by a thread.  Maybe I am not in-tune with what my body and mind is doing, but I always seem to lose when it comes to preventing hitting this stage.  When I get this bad, I become very emotional over everything, my anxiety levels go crazy and I become depressed.  I have been told countless times that life is tough, but you just have to get on with it, but when you are fighting against something that leaves you broken, how damaged do you have to become before you can fight no more?

The situation I now find myself in is feeling hopeless and vulnerable and I hate not having the answer that will solve it.

Have you had to have similar fights and what do you do to help you put the boxing gloves back on and go back into the ring?

Parents
  • Hello Starbuck. I have hit the wall of despair too and no energy for joining in but just wanted to say thank you for writing what you did. I'm glad you have Gp support. And also to say Hello to everyone sorry I haven't been posting lately. 

  • Missing you lots Misfit x Good to hear from you and gang in there. Talk if you need to. it us fine if you don't. 

  • Thanks. I  seem to have gone mute both inside and out. Everything feels a bit strange at the moment. I'll get back to joining in more I'm sure.. reassuring to know you're all there. 

  • I think you started the meaphorical hug trend Mr Warrior. Do you work night shifts, hence the vigil? Only ask because my OH does 12 hour shifts as a signalman and it's only now I'm realising how destructive this is for me. No chance of a routine this side of hell freezing over.

  • Liking the hug offer,group hug all round yeah,we are amazing people who look out for each other but often forget to look out for ourselves!

    Nice to see you back missy.welcome back hug to you.

    Oh how I love the comradery on here.

    Right now you all get some sleep and I will keep watch tonight.Strange but something I have done many times when younger?

Reply
  • Liking the hug offer,group hug all round yeah,we are amazing people who look out for each other but often forget to look out for ourselves!

    Nice to see you back missy.welcome back hug to you.

    Oh how I love the comradery on here.

    Right now you all get some sleep and I will keep watch tonight.Strange but something I have done many times when younger?

Children
  • I think you started the meaphorical hug trend Mr Warrior. Do you work night shifts, hence the vigil? Only ask because my OH does 12 hour shifts as a signalman and it's only now I'm realising how destructive this is for me. No chance of a routine this side of hell freezing over.