Published on 12, July, 2020
So I'd like to start off that I've finally been officially diagnosed (good lawd, finally!!), although was aware that I'm very likely to be on the spectrum for a while now and viewed myself as an aspie girl for at least a year.
My little Cousin has ASD too, but the difference is that She's 7 and I'm 20. It's always been pointed out how eerily alike us two are, and I'm sure Asperger's is definitely one way which closely connects us.
Anyway, I've recently read a piece advising parents on what to do if their child has a meltdown, and one thing that attracted my attention in particular was a statement that the child cannot hear you in that state (hence trying to talk them down is to no use/the child is not ignoring them). And that brought my memory back to a certain unpleasant incident……
So I've mentioned my little Cousin is autistic. And it was just one of those moments when she struggled to communicate what she wanted and got difficult. I think it was over a toy. And I, who was present there, got accused of being unhelpful - whilst in reality I was sooo confused at what's even going on. Unfortunately, reacting to false accusations is one of my major weak points and I flipped out too… But whilst my little Cousin luckily just throws things and sometimes cries, my meltdowns are violent and always center on self-harm…
And here's another thing. My family who know something about my (no longer just potential) autism are either in denial or very sceptical, taking it for granted that it's just “yet another excuse”. And Uncle, despite having an ASD child, is in there.
Because Auntie and Uncle are still rather new to this (maybe it's been just over a year since their child's own diagnosis?) it doesn't seem to occur to them that every person with ASD is different, and of course what my little Cousin doesn't do, if I was an aspie couldn't do either.
So back to the incident. Uncle seeing me slapping my head just laughs and encourages to hit myself harder, and adds that maybe I whack the radiator too? Aggravated, I get even worse and I actually do all this stuff. I get yelled at but don't even remember what anymore. After I don't know how long I'm eventually burned out, but also there's lot of blood. I've cracked my head open (again…) and my nose is bleeding all over too. The whole bedsheet is sprayed with my blood, there are 2 puddles of it on the floor too. When I later get to look at my face in the mirror, it's covered in blood and bruises, quite a sight really. But all I hear is how selfish I am…… And how I don't have autism because words don't get to my little Cousin when She has a meltdown, yet I did exactly as I heard...
I really want to go back to London hell away from there, but they force me to stay, arguing it would be “selfish” if I left now.
Awful really. As soon as I got to catch up with Parents, I actually burst into tears telling them what happened, and Mum actually fell out with my Auntie (her sister) over the phone. My Father is mad too. They recommend I really don't visit again. I can't help but to agree it's not a good idea, after all who goes somewhere they know they will be mistreated, even though I love my two Cousins so much (I'm an only child myself…) and I really wish to spend time with them… :(
Well, but the main thing is here. Is it actually true that Aspies are supposed too be too zoned out during a meltdown that they're not supposed to hear anything said to them? How would you explain then that I did make out something, even though I am a “real” aspie too (no longer just self-diagnosed, thank goodness)???
Alisha, you seem to be asking if you can have a meltdown without dissociation. The simplest answer I can give is ASD is hugely variable and I believe that both are possible.
My step daughter dissociates a lot. She will do so at the first sign of conflict around her. It was a useful coping strategy when younger because she could avoid the arguments and trauma. Problem is at 16 dissociation is risky. It makes you vulnerable to
people who can take advantage of your altered state.
When she dissociates she can self harm in a meltdown or she can freeze. At least with a meltdown it's clear she's distressed. The freeze form can be missed and that along with her propensity to not seek help we usually only hear about problems when they are big.
I'm guessing also things change over time because she's shown shifts in her stimming behaviour too.
So back to your question: in your case you can hear when in a meltdown. You may also intensify your self harming if ridiculed as your uncle did.
Whatever is going on, working with someone to help you develop self management strategies to deal with meltdowns is important, particularly because you inflict physical harm on yourself and a public meltdown like this could land you in a police cell.
1) You need to carry ID that explains you have autism
2) You will have ideas how you can deescalate a meltdown either before it starts up or in the early phases... having that thought through and being unafraid to implement it despite what those around you might say is important. Working with self harmers, I've been told squeezing ice cubes gives the pain sensation without damage, so that might be possible sometimes.
3) With trusted supporters you let them help you. I have audio sensitivity with my DCD and my partner takes me out of crowded spaces to a quiet area he will have found for me every hour for 10 minutes if we have a busy social event. He can spot the signs I'm getting exhausted and frustrated with verbal tracking in an adverse environment.