Into the Void

Losing a parent is hard at any time of life. How old was she when she passed away?

Martian Tom said:

I was feeling a little more settled this morning - until I went out to vote and get something for lunch.

Well for those of us who have hypersentivity issues; feeling more settled until going to a voting station is not at all surprising - what with all the voter apprehensions and competitive aggressions circulating and culminating in the atmospheres of those places.

Got the fear on me in a big way in the supermarket - and it wasn't especially crowded.  I couldn't get home quick enough, and now feel awful.

What with the aforementioned stresses - there are also those involved with going shopping. So getting the fears on in a not particularly crowded supermaket - perhaps it was as the expression goes the straw that broke the camel's back.

Consider for instance that you have presently and irrefutably a 'mega-massive-muck-load' on the go emotionally and mentally - and that is before even considering anything at all that you may physically have or want to do. It is also very well known that councilling sessions, at least to begin with, can be very tiring during them, and or after them. The callorific burn involved is huge.

So well done in terms of dealing with the workload, and finding out what doing too much really means at the moment. This is good, but the aftermath or hangover from which is so 'not' desireable, but such is the way of life, yet learning to manage things better is really good. Keep in mind that all mistakes allow for retakes and all problems are solutions in disguise.

I like being alone.  I never get lonely.  But since mum's passing... I just feel completely alone in the world.  There's no one else I know whom I can go to.

Tricky one definitely. Give it some time though, the individuation/maturation process almost always involves labour and growth pains, and are at first none to pleasing for some, or incredibly distressing for others. Perhaps recall that your mother gave birth to you, be thankfull as I know I am and that others are thankfull that you write here, and that we are here to help you give birth to yourself now as a more individuated person.

Internet Midwiferey at your service . . . sort of thing?

I was feeling a little more settled this morning - until I went out to vote and get something for lunch.

Got the fear on me in a big way in the supermarket - and it wasn't especially crowded.  I couldn't get home quick enough, and now feel awful.

I like being alone.  I never get lonely.  But since mum's passing... I just feel completely alone in the world.  There's no one else I know whom I can go to.

Deepthought said:

Consider perhaps a bit of gnostic deep-feeling therapy:

Aspire in principle to love your mother's spirit - contentedly in your heart; contentedly in your soul, and contentedly in your mind. It is the first of the greatest consolidation. The second of the greatest likens it - Aspire to love your family along with your mother's spirit. For upon the mastery of this dual consolidation - all problems suspend with solutions as light.

That's certainly something I will look into, Deepthought.  Thank you. It sounds like the sort of spiritual approach I need to take.

I don't follow any religion (not that spirituality and religion are the same thing, I know), but the one that's most congenial to my way of thought is Buddhism.  It sounds similar to a Buddhist approach: the aspiration to enlightenment through an understanding that my psyche is quite naturally composed of both positive and negative thought processes and emotions. 

I believe that I'm on my way to the first consolidation.  I have a keen sense of my mother's spirit, which is keeping me going at the darker times.  Last evening, at the time of her passing six weeks ago to the moment, I lit some candles and sat in my room, surrounded by her possessions and holding her watch (psychometry is something else I'm drawn to) and just sat thinking about her for ten minutes.  And there was a sense of connection, which settled me for the rest of the evening.

My family is a complicated issue - as most families are (When Tolstoy wrote of all happy families resembling one another, I wonder to which happy families he was referring!  I've only come across them in a card game!)  I think, for now, I've done all I can by holding out that lifeline to my brother.  I try to be forgiving, and I think I will find myself forgiving certain people - even though my step-neice's behaviour at my mother's death-bed, and her appropriation of what, in her view, constituted 'family' protocols at such times, will be very difficult for me to settle in my mind).  But, as I've said elsewhere - forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting.  And really, for my own peace of mind - indeed, if I am to recover at all - I need to cut ties with such people.  It will be difficult to negotiate.  But a way will come about.  I've usually found that to be the case.  I accept that my brother is a very traumatised man, though he doesn't realise it.  His wife is not a well woman.  If anything happens to her, he will be destroyed.  So I want him to have a lifeline.  In the end, though, he will make his own choices with his loyalties.

So... in a sense, I'm aspiring - in the best way I can - to the second consolidation.  It is work in progress.

Thanks again.

Tom

recombinantsocks said:

Dear Tom,

It's the worst I've ever felt, and I don't know any way out of it. 

Just time, I guess.

Have you seen the Recovery Letters website? I heard about this from Radio 4 All in the Mind. Have a look at http://therecoveryletters.com/ the idea is that people who have gone through depression and anxiety and who have come out the other side write letters to be read by people in your position. If you are depressed then you don't believe that you can come out of the other side in one piece. My experience and that of the people that write the letters is that you can get through it. That website was setup by someone who has been through what you are going through and has got out in one piece on the other side.

Look after yourself.

Sox

[/quote]

Thanks for that, Sox.  I've not come across that before, so will certainly look.

I have come through these things before, so know I can do it again if - as you say - I look after myself and keep on track with things like drinking, etc.  I used Diazepam in my first weeks, but have no wish to pursue chemical sticking plasters.

The difference this time, of course, is that it's complicated by a grief and sense of loss that I'll need time and help to overcome.

But that takes me back to the site you suggested - so I'll go and look now.

Thanks again.

Tom

QuirkyFriend said:

Martin Tom,

I recognise the depression too well. I'm thinking of you.

In terms of dealing with toxic people, I suggest you may find the Out of the Fog forum and resources useful.

Don't beat yourself up if you can't journal daily. Try different methods. The Dragon app for smartphones is not perfect but it is free voice to text if that is easier than writing.

Thanks for that information, QuirkyFriend.  I've checked out Out of the Fog, which looks interesting.

I haven't come across the Dragon app, but that might be useful for recording thoughts.  I touch type, and quite quickly, so writing generally isn't something I have a problem with.  It's more the type of writing I want to do.  But I'll give that app a go, anyway.

Thanks again.

Tom

Dear Tom,

It's the worst I've ever felt, and I don't know any way out of it. 

Just time, I guess.

Have you seen the Recovery Letters website? I heard about this from Radio 4 All in the Mind. Have a look at http://therecoveryletters.com/ the idea is that people who have gone through depression and anxiety and who have come out the other side write letters to be read by people in your position. If you are depressed then you don't believe that you can come out of the other side in one piece. My experience and that of the people that write the letters is that you can get through it. That website was setup by someone who has been through what you are going through and has got out in one piece on the other side.

Look after yourself.

Sox

Martian Tom said:

Hi folks,

The title is the best way I can describe how it feels now, on the anniversary of the sixth week since mum passed away.  Up until Sunday, I was fully-engaged - on some form of emotional autopilot - with the process of clearing mum's bungalow and settling all matters.  On Sunday, her tenancy finally expired - so, on Monday, the bungalow was no longer her home.  It was also no longer the emotional centre of my life, as it has been for over 23 years.  I shall never go near it again.  I cannot imagine, nor do I want to, anyone else living there.  Like losing mum, a huge part of my life has been taken away.

Yesterday, I had a session with a counsellor (fortunately, experienced with autistic people) from the funeral firm who managed mum's funeral.  She sat with me for an hour-and-a-half, asked lots of questions, listened carefully, challenged me with my thinking where I needed it.  She told me I was doing all the right things.  I'd stopped drinking (which I was doing, certainly above moderate levels, but not to the point of not being able to function) during the preceding weeks.  I was managing myself as well as I could - eating, getting sleep (too much, really, but sleeping anyway).  She said I'd done the right thing in holding out a life-line to my brother and telling him I'd always talk to him and no one else - which he will have, I think, understood to mean that I didn't want any communication with his wife or her daughter.  She said that that was the next thing I had to do: eradicate them from my life.  They are toxic people and have done too much damage, to me and other members of my family, over the years.  My brother is, unfortunately, stuck in the middle and is riddled with conflicting loyalties.  But at least he knows I'm there to talk to.  How I'll manage to get him to understand that I can no longer have anything to do with his side of the family (i.e. her family) is a challenge I have to face, but I'm sure I'll find a way.

I've signed up with six weeks' of bereavement support groups with a local hospice.  I've been to see my doctor today and informed her of the situation, and that I cannot face work at the moment.  In my job, I can't afford to take on a shift and then realise I can't manage it, because I can't simply leave the person I'm assigned to unattended.  That is in hand.  My doctor said she would supply me with a certificate when my Carer's Allowance runs out, and I will go onto ESA for as long as I need to.

Over the years, I've said to counsellors and therapists - as I said to the counsellor yesterday - that when anything happened to mum, I would feel like a character Annie Proulx once described in one of her stories when he'd been through a similar situation: 'loosened into my life.'  My life would be mine to go forward and do things that I've deliberately and willingly held myself back from in order to stay close to mum.

But instead - I suppose understandably, given that it's still early days - I feel like the axis upon which my life revolved has gone - and I'm simply free-falling into the void of space.

I know, from past experience of these things, that I'm in a severe depressive state right now.  I can't focus on anything: reading, writing, watching films.  I don't want to exercise, even, which is something I've always done.  I go out for long, aimless walks - to get exercise and air - and then come back to emptiness.  I do meditation exercises, which seem to lift the anxiety somewhat, but only briefly.  I'm not preoccupying myself with thoughts of mum or anything.  But I simply feel empty and lost.  Nothing uplifts me.  Most of the time, I simply feel sick to my stomach. Nothing distracts me.  My main responsibility - apart from to myself, of course - is to Daisy, my cat.  I'm glad I've got her, in many ways.  She gives me some focus, at least - and a lot of love and attention!

These are most likely quite natural feelings in grief.  Maybe I just need to go with them.  I don't feel suicidal because there are things I want to achieve - especially this book I want to write, as soon as I can find the focus for it.

The counsellor yesterday suggested I keep a journal.  I'll try.

Meantime... it's just this emptiness.  I know if I have a drink, that'll lift things.  But that's not the answer.  It's simply numbing what I should be feeling, anyway - and it's simply putting it off.  It's a downward spiral that way.

But feeling nothing at all.  That's horrible.  Nothing has any real meaning right now.

It's the worst I've ever felt, and I don't know any way out of it. 

Just time, I guess.

Thanks for listening.

Tom

Consider perhaps a bit of gnostic deep-feeling therapy:

Aspire in principle to love your mother's spirit - contentedly in your heart; contentedly in your soul, and contentedly in your mind. It is the first of the greatest consolidation. The second of the greatest likens it - Aspire to love your family along with your mother's spirit. For upon the mastery of this dual consolidation - all problems suspend with solutions as light.

Martin Tom,

I recognise the depression too well. I'm thinking of you.

In terms of dealing with toxic people, I suggest you may find the Out of the Fog forum and resources useful.

Don't beat yourself up if you can't journal daily. Try different methods. The Dragon app for smartphones is not perfect but it is free voice to text if that is easier than writing.

mld said:

Hi Martian Tom,

I have read what you have written.  Well done for writing it down for us to read.  Thank you.

I'm holding you in my thoughts, take care of yourself, and Daisy!

Margaret

Thanks, Margaret.

It took some effort.

I've noticed how free with advice other people around me seem to be at the moment - like they're all suddenly world experts in grief management.  'You need to get back to work as soon as you can,' 'You need to find a focus,' you need, you need, you need!

I know what I need to do.  Keep myself on an even keel.  And give myself as much time as it takes - however long that is.

My brother texted me this morning.  He seems to be more or less back on song.  Absorbing himself in his work (running his own business, he has little choice).  He said 'I get a wobble now and then, but generally pretty much back to normal.'  I think he's trying to sound upbeat for my sake, because I know the reality of his situation must be difficult.  His conflicting loyalties, as I said - plus his wife's health condition.  If anything happened to her, he'd be destroyed.  His puppeteer would be gone.  The strings would be cut and he'd fall to the floor, useless.

We all deal with these things in our own ways...

Thanks again.

Tom

Hi Martian Tom,

I have read what you have written.  Well done for writing it down for us to read.  Thank you.

I'm holding you in my thoughts, take care of yourself, and Daisy!

Margaret