Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi. I'am a 29 year old male, I think im on the AS somewere but undiagnossed. I got diagnossed with dyslexia at age 24. I feel down about it tbh, I just cant doo other humans or small talk or backstabbing in the workplace. I get incredibly frustrated at work and Im always fearfull I let what I think of people out as in the past I called someone a corrupt c**t and got sacked. I think Im really tolerant but when someone winds me up I just cant bite my tongue. I feel quite misanthropic in outlook basically.
In my opinion im of average intelligence. I've been completely addicted to listening to music since I was about 12. I literally own thousands of records and when I was younger I seriously couldnt concentrate on anything other than whatever song I was addicted too. At one point I was a apprentice engineer but just couldnt concentrate on anything other than music, I got through my apprenticeship but couldnt stand the working envirmonment. However I cant play an instrument as I cant really keep it co-ordinated.
I feel as though im always the last one to understand a joke. My repsonses to stimuli are really poor (slow). I feel that I cant express myself at all. I cant write emotion messages on cards, participate in drama. I cant have a phonecall in the respect that I cant gauge when to come in.
I have a 2.1 BSc (hons) degree in music tech (engineering side) which in my final year I drove 85miles each way everyday to attend. Which I think represents me, complete commitment if Im into something, but doing it alone. The 85 mile drive was ace as I didnt have to small talk. I can completly amuse myself and hate new social situations
The only person I can look in the eyes of is my partner of 12 years. I hate it when people at work try to get eyecontact.
So after that massively long blurb........................................Does any one behave similar? I feel embarressed about going to see the GP, I dont like the whole why do you want I diagnosis thing. It would make me feel like an attention seeker. Has anyone been through this kind of thing?
Compliments are part of social interchange, and while a compliment is spoken it is usually rewarded by a non-verbal reaction, even if words are used to reinforce this.
My theory is that it is difficult for people with AS because they are not generating or receiving the right non-verbal confirmation, and they are not generating the supporting emoticon gestures that convey whether they are being genuine or sarcastic, or homouring, or seeking a favour in return.
Because of this lack of interchange people on the spectrum are very insecure about such gestures, have no way of knowing if they are apt, and often get in trouble for using them wrongly.
After much criticism from work colleagues I started finding out and learning the right things to say and the right times and the right reactions. After diagnosis I worked harder at this. It is, to use a metaphor "hit and miss". I do get it wrong a lot and still get criticised. But it has improved my social competence and self confidence, so I think it is worth trying.
But it is for me one of the clearest proofs I have of the difficulties created by AS, I still have extreme difficulty and extreme discomfort over these things.
I don't think clinicians are sufficiently aware of this aspect of AS, one of the reasons why they misunderstand empathy as a diagnostic tool. It is not that we lack empathy, but we don't get the feedback and find it difficult to do the right thing on cue..