Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm in my mid twenties and finding things harder than ever. I really struggle with social skills and although I've always been told I'm "just shy" I've always known something is not right. Despite having outgrown the awkward teenage years I still find it incredibly difficult and confusing holding a conversation with pretty much everyone apart from very close family, even some friends I've known for years.
I've never been like other people, with strong interests and beliefs, not understanding or agreeing with social norms but recently become more aware of just how odd I am (must look for patterns in reg numbers, must always have car windows open even in January! etc...). I think I might be autistic but I'm terrified of going for a diagnosis to be laughed at and told l am just shy and a bit strange. I work with autistic people and although realise it's a spectrum disorder, I am nowhere near as affected as them. I think I probably come across as a little eccentric, lacking in self confidence and very shy.
I am really struggling with self confidence and self doubt and think a diagnosis would probably pull me out of the hole I've dug for myself; but am I just socially awkward, unusual, and looking for something to take the blame?
I guess I'm asking how autistic do you need to appear to get a diagnosis??!
That is a question that I genuinely cannot answer. I just don't know. To answer that question, I look at my behaviour in some situations that arise everyday, and then try to imagine how other people may behave. Trouble is, I can't. Somethings I can maybe cobble together using well known social norms. But in general, I can't. It makes it really difficult to see where I am supposed to fit in on the scale of normal to ASD if I can't tell how much of my behaviour is normal to the vast majority of others. If that makes sense. Maybe that is the wrong way to go about answering that question?
Until recently, I didn't even know that the level of anxiety I feel wasn't normal (someone told me). I thought all people felt the same as me, yet they just got on with it where I had to think twice (or three, or four times, ad infinitum) about whether I really wanted to do [insert activity].
This is a bit different to having chest pains, because they usually have fairly lethal connotations, and are reasonably rapid onset and acute. Autism appears to be much less clear-cut than that (at least to me). I am also not in a dire situation right now. So, I guess I'm having a hard time deciding how much I really need/want to do this right now.
All I do know for certain, there seems to be a disconnect between me and society. I probably ought to investigate it before it becomes a problem... again. The only person who can tell me what the disconnect is for sure is a professional... I'll just have to get over myself and get it done. lostmyway, Martian Tom. You have been unnecessarily patient with me. Seriously, thank you.
Just out of interest. Does anyone else suffer with this level of personal dilema/procrastination/anxiety before doing anything (no matter how small)? How about you Abc123?