Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm in my mid twenties and finding things harder than ever. I really struggle with social skills and although I've always been told I'm "just shy" I've always known something is not right. Despite having outgrown the awkward teenage years I still find it incredibly difficult and confusing holding a conversation with pretty much everyone apart from very close family, even some friends I've known for years.
I've never been like other people, with strong interests and beliefs, not understanding or agreeing with social norms but recently become more aware of just how odd I am (must look for patterns in reg numbers, must always have car windows open even in January! etc...). I think I might be autistic but I'm terrified of going for a diagnosis to be laughed at and told l am just shy and a bit strange. I work with autistic people and although realise it's a spectrum disorder, I am nowhere near as affected as them. I think I probably come across as a little eccentric, lacking in self confidence and very shy.
I am really struggling with self confidence and self doubt and think a diagnosis would probably pull me out of the hole I've dug for myself; but am I just socially awkward, unusual, and looking for something to take the blame?
I guess I'm asking how autistic do you need to appear to get a diagnosis??!
I suspect you must've said all of that a thousand times before. I am sorry if you have. I am just looking for reassurance I guess. I know you aren't an expert, but you are probably more qualified than me, in that I suspect you know more about it than I do.
I can remember taking the AQ test about 5 years ago. I got 39 then. I took it more recently (a couple of weeks ago), and scored 42. I have taken the EQ test and RITVO autism test and scored 7 and 159 respectively. But with the RITVO test, I found those questions to be really hard. I don't talk to many people, so any question that says 'people say that...' or 'You pretend to do ... so you appear normal' I don't really have any answers to those (Also, I know and do what is normal for me, but possibly not what is normal in the general populace).
In order to kill some of my anxiety, I really need to know (or at least be reasonable sure) I have autism before I go to see a professional who will tell me. How ridiculous is that!? Talk about going about it in a back to front manner. Anyway, Thanks for putting up with my whiny ramblings.