Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm in my mid twenties and finding things harder than ever. I really struggle with social skills and although I've always been told I'm "just shy" I've always known something is not right. Despite having outgrown the awkward teenage years I still find it incredibly difficult and confusing holding a conversation with pretty much everyone apart from very close family, even some friends I've known for years.
I've never been like other people, with strong interests and beliefs, not understanding or agreeing with social norms but recently become more aware of just how odd I am (must look for patterns in reg numbers, must always have car windows open even in January! etc...). I think I might be autistic but I'm terrified of going for a diagnosis to be laughed at and told l am just shy and a bit strange. I work with autistic people and although realise it's a spectrum disorder, I am nowhere near as affected as them. I think I probably come across as a little eccentric, lacking in self confidence and very shy.
I am really struggling with self confidence and self doubt and think a diagnosis would probably pull me out of the hole I've dug for myself; but am I just socially awkward, unusual, and looking for something to take the blame?
I guess I'm asking how autistic do you need to appear to get a diagnosis??!
johnb0y said:I have a bunch of inane questions, like: How big is a pallet and what does it look like? What were the food items on the pallet? What is the produce stored in whilst on the pallet? And did they need refrigeration? Where were the pallets kept relative to the cabinets you were stocking? Is 12 pallets a lot for one person to unstack in an hour? Where does the old produce go? etc etc. But, please don't feel obliged to answer them!I am also not a fan of being touched. I don't mind handshakes too much, but sometimes I do have the tendency to try to wipe it off afterwards (mainly the limp wristed ones). Hugs are a no no, especially against my will. My friend from the gym brought some of his friends with him. When they left, one of then ran up and hugged me. I did my absolute best to appear normal in front of a bunch of strangers, but I think I failed. I went home, got into bed and cried. It took a day or two to get over the violation.
I have a bunch of inane questions, like: How big is a pallet and what does it look like? What were the food items on the pallet? What is the produce stored in whilst on the pallet? And did they need refrigeration? Where were the pallets kept relative to the cabinets you were stocking? Is 12 pallets a lot for one person to unstack in an hour? Where does the old produce go? etc etc. But, please don't feel obliged to answer them!
I am also not a fan of being touched. I don't mind handshakes too much, but sometimes I do have the tendency to try to wipe it off afterwards (mainly the limp wristed ones). Hugs are a no no, especially against my will. My friend from the gym brought some of his friends with him. When they left, one of then ran up and hugged me. I did my absolute best to appear normal in front of a bunch of strangers, but I think I failed. I went home, got into bed and cried. It took a day or two to get over the violation.
I don't think they're inane. Maybe they show an obsession about detail! I know that if I'm out anywhere, I'll end up checking odd things - like the number of slits in a heating vent, or the number of rows of seats in a venue, so that I know how many. I'll then, say, assess the average weight of a seat so that I can figure out roughly how much the total seating weighs!
The pallets were roughly 5' x 4' - the wooden or plastic bases that goods are stacked on for fork-lifting. It was all fresh produce - fruit and veg - and was stored in stackable (obviously) crates. The average stack on a pallet would be about 7 feet. Most of it needed refrigeration (except things like potatoes and bananas), hence the pressure to get the chiller empty because otherwise there wouldn't be enough room to store it all. The pallets were delivered into a warehouse. The chiller was at the other end of the warehouse. The stuff had to be trucked out onto the shop floor, about 150 feet away, for shelf-filling prior to the store opening. I had a two-hour time frame to do this - 5am to 7am, when the store opened. It all had to be done by then. Mostly I did it alone - and yes, it was very hard work and you had to work very quickly. Supermarket employees are paid so little for the work they do. I can honestly say it was the hardest work I've ever had to do in my life. There was never a second to stop.
Handshakes I can manage. Hugs - well, only if I have to. As for all of this other stupid stuff - fist-bumps, high-fives, etc - it just seems like fashionable nonsense to me. If you don't want to shake my hand - tough.
Here's another thing. I have a very low sense of self-image. I hate being looked at for too long. If I'm on a stage, I can dress up, so that's not so bad. Paddy Considine, the actor, has Asperger's. Gary Numan, too. Then there's Chris Packham and Alan Gardner.
Here's a precis of Bartleby, the Scrivener. I always find it an amusing story. Imagine being asked by your boss to do something and replying 'Actually, I'd really prefer not to.' Haha!
en.wikipedia.org/.../Bartleby,_the_Scrivener
Here's a telling piece from one critical comment:
Bartleby the Scrivener explores the theme of isolation in American life and the workplace through actual physical loneliness and mental loneliness. Although all of the characters at the office are related by being co-workers, Bartleby is the only one whose name is known to us and seems serious, as the rest of characters have odd nicknames, such as "Nippers" or "Turkey", this excludes him from being normal in the workplace.