Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm in my mid twenties and finding things harder than ever. I really struggle with social skills and although I've always been told I'm "just shy" I've always known something is not right. Despite having outgrown the awkward teenage years I still find it incredibly difficult and confusing holding a conversation with pretty much everyone apart from very close family, even some friends I've known for years.
I've never been like other people, with strong interests and beliefs, not understanding or agreeing with social norms but recently become more aware of just how odd I am (must look for patterns in reg numbers, must always have car windows open even in January! etc...). I think I might be autistic but I'm terrified of going for a diagnosis to be laughed at and told l am just shy and a bit strange. I work with autistic people and although realise it's a spectrum disorder, I am nowhere near as affected as them. I think I probably come across as a little eccentric, lacking in self confidence and very shy.
I am really struggling with self confidence and self doubt and think a diagnosis would probably pull me out of the hole I've dug for myself; but am I just socially awkward, unusual, and looking for something to take the blame?
I guess I'm asking how autistic do you need to appear to get a diagnosis??!
One of my problems is cleanliness.
I have to shower once a day even if I don't really need to because if I don't I feel agitated and 'unclean' and cannot relax. It's worse if I have to use public transport or use a mini-cab because I can't help thinking about all the people who have used the seat before me and the possibility that some of them were dirty or had fleas or something.
I can't stand having my hair too long and will constantly be aware of it when it begins to touch my ears and always get a very, very short haircut so it will last a while. Same with shaving. I could never grow a beard (unless I happened to be stranded on an desert island) because when my stubble begins to grow too much I can't help feeling uncomfortable and conspicuous and feel a strong urge to shave.
I have a strict routine where, after taking care of housework, go to the local supermarket (pretty much the same time every day), do some shopping then come back home and persue my interests, which currently is studying mathematics online, checking on here and generally surfing the net.
I also have to care for my mom, who is 87 and has bad eyesight and is somewhat incontinent, so I have to be availbale for her needs so I can't really go out too much, not that I want to. I too, don't like it when someone turns up unannounced and get very irritated and anxious when it happens and usually try to keep out of the way until they have gone.
Another problem I have is that when I'm taking notes, for example, I get upset if my writing seems a bit ugly and rough, even though it is legible It can distract me from whatever it is I'm studying, which is annoying.
If notice a spelling mistake in one of my posts on here I get upset and have to immediately correct it.
Like you and Tom I would make sure I would use old stock first by removing it before storing newer stock and would feel very agitated if I was prevented from doing that. I used to work in a storeroom and one of the basic procedures was called 'FIFO', which stands for 'first in, first out', in other words, you use the older stock first since not to do so will result in it becoming degraded, especially when you are dealing with foodstuffs.
I listen to a lot of talk radio, especially involving political topics, and would be a bit lost if I couldn't have a radio around.