Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm in my mid twenties and finding things harder than ever. I really struggle with social skills and although I've always been told I'm "just shy" I've always known something is not right. Despite having outgrown the awkward teenage years I still find it incredibly difficult and confusing holding a conversation with pretty much everyone apart from very close family, even some friends I've known for years.
I've never been like other people, with strong interests and beliefs, not understanding or agreeing with social norms but recently become more aware of just how odd I am (must look for patterns in reg numbers, must always have car windows open even in January! etc...). I think I might be autistic but I'm terrified of going for a diagnosis to be laughed at and told l am just shy and a bit strange. I work with autistic people and although realise it's a spectrum disorder, I am nowhere near as affected as them. I think I probably come across as a little eccentric, lacking in self confidence and very shy.
I am really struggling with self confidence and self doubt and think a diagnosis would probably pull me out of the hole I've dug for myself; but am I just socially awkward, unusual, and looking for something to take the blame?
I guess I'm asking how autistic do you need to appear to get a diagnosis??!
I have a bunch of inane questions, like: How big is a pallet and what does it look like? What were the food items on the pallet? What is the produce stored in whilst on the pallet? And did they need refrigeration? Where were the pallets kept relative to the cabinets you were stocking? Is 12 pallets a lot for one person to unstack in an hour? Where does the old produce go? etc etc. But, please don't feel obliged to answer them!
I agree, logically speaking, it is correct to clear space for the new produce before actually loading the new stuff on to the shelves. You should've asked to see the Time/Motion study that said his way of doing things was better.
With regards to starting a job over, I am not above doing that. I made some doors once, and got extremely cross because when placed next to one another, I could see they were not the same shape. I was stopped from cutting them up and starting again by my parents, who measured them and found one of them was 'out of square' by 1mm. They took me 3 weeks to make, a lot of effort went into making them and I could only see failure. This is one reason I also have a problem starting jobs. It is crushing when it goes wrong. Just out of interest, do you do things consecutively or can you do jobs in parallel?
I have got used to dealing with (many) deliveries and the people that come with that. It is in the realm of general nuisance/really annoying rather than fraught with anxiety. I do have trouble with going out though, for instance if a place AND time are not explicitly stated, I will not go. If it is ambiguosly stated (for example: in the afternoon), I will not go. I spend pretty well all my time alone. It doesn't seem to bother me either. I speak on average to 5 people per day. Today I spoke to 6 people.
I agree with getting lost. I will not go anywhere I don't know without sat-nav. I tried once, my Dad had to deal with the panicky phone call as I was driving into the centre of Birmingham, after getting lost on spaghetti junction when I was coming back from Bristol.
I have tried to do a 'normal' job a couple of times. Each time it was the same. At first it is ok. Then after some time, after getting home, I am tired. After some more time, the urge to sleep when I get home is massive, so I have a nap. Then I can get on with cooking, shopping etc. After some more time, I'm more tired. Things start to slip from the agenda, like going to the gym (the only thing that consistently gets me out of the house). After a bit more time, it is all I can do to focus on just existing. At this stage, it gets hard to get up in the morning. Then I start becoming resistant to going in. Then the mental breakdown type symptoms start appearing when people start forcing me. Then I just stop going. When I say 'a bit more time' I mean weeks/months maybe. Additionally, it makes it harder to get a job when your references see you as lazy and unreliable. Just as a side note I first got told I was workshy when I was 6 or 7, my teacher wrote it in my school report. It was news to me, I can remember being quite shocked by that at the time. I thought I was doing ok.
I have not read that, no. The last fiction book I read was at school. I find it hard work reading fiction. What is it about?
I have a friend who I go to the gym (I say gym, I mean agricultural shed on a farm) with, he always invites me to the pub for some food after. I nearly always say no. The few times I have said yes, he pre-booked it with me.
You tried stand up comedy. Wow, that is brave. I have respect for you.
I am also not a fan of being touched. I don't mind handshakes too much, but sometimes I do have the tendency to try to wipe it off afterwards (mainly the limp wristed ones). Hugs are a no no, especially against my will. My friend from the gym brought some of his friends with him. When they left, one of them ran up and hugged me. I did my absolute best to appear normal in front of a bunch of strangers, but I think I failed. I went home, got into bed and cried. It took a day or two to get over the violation.
I would like to say, when I get to a similar situation with my parents, I hope I can be half as together as you seem to be. You still have time to help other people out. So, Thank you.