Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm in my mid twenties and finding things harder than ever. I really struggle with social skills and although I've always been told I'm "just shy" I've always known something is not right. Despite having outgrown the awkward teenage years I still find it incredibly difficult and confusing holding a conversation with pretty much everyone apart from very close family, even some friends I've known for years.
I've never been like other people, with strong interests and beliefs, not understanding or agreeing with social norms but recently become more aware of just how odd I am (must look for patterns in reg numbers, must always have car windows open even in January! etc...). I think I might be autistic but I'm terrified of going for a diagnosis to be laughed at and told l am just shy and a bit strange. I work with autistic people and although realise it's a spectrum disorder, I am nowhere near as affected as them. I think I probably come across as a little eccentric, lacking in self confidence and very shy.
I am really struggling with self confidence and self doubt and think a diagnosis would probably pull me out of the hole I've dug for myself; but am I just socially awkward, unusual, and looking for something to take the blame?
I guess I'm asking how autistic do you need to appear to get a diagnosis??!
Martian Tom, thanks for that. How would you rate the annoyance level/intrusion on your life for each of those? How does your anxiety manifest itself?
For me, I can remember a lot of vomit when I was younger. I can remember being 'comfortable' with vomiting such that I could be walking along, turn my head to the side and vomit, without breaking my gait, and without getting any on me, haha. These days I just seem to get really, really, really grumpy and frustrated with everything. Sometimes, I can feel the exact moment adrenaline hits my heart.
If you'll indulge me (I'm going to go through your points in order):
This is the sort of thing that makes me unsure if I have autism or not. I can handle minor changes with my daily routine without stress. For instance, if someone is in the bath room when I wake up (that is when I brush my teeth, I will move on and in all likely hood, forget to brush my teeth). Or someone coming round unexpectedly. I can even handle going and doing big things like driving 1.5hrs away to pick something up with an hours notice (as long as someone else drives) without thinking too much about it. I need some time to prepare for it though.
With that said, I think I am in a really good place right now, which allows me to feel comfortable. I know that after doing things like the above, I can come back to my house and not have to see anyone/talk to anyone for a while. I also know that everytime I have tried to be 'normal' and do 'normal things', like have a 9 to 5, spend lots of time around others, I have been broken by it, I don't seem to cope well (anything from shouting to tears to suicidal thoughts). So, I dare say I would cope less well if my circumstances changed.
I think I might have overcome that. I have learnt I am allowed to say no (only learnt that in the last year though, when I started doing my own thing). I doubt that is helpful to you, especially if it is your boss that tells you to do something.
I also have a problem asserting myself in similar situations. For instance when buying a car. I have a degree in Engineering, but I just seem to forget everything I know as soon as the salesman starts saying things contrary to what I know, or I cannot supply an answer in a reasonable time frame.
Social events get me also. Especially ones which are sufficiently far for me to not know where I am going/going to: park/go to the toilet/eat/drink/be expected to dress up/talk to many people/ etc etc. Needless to say, they never happen spontaneously, nor very often. As an aside, I am perfectly happy to talk to people when the format is correct, such as at the builders merchant, where I have a list of things they can supply me with. Job done. I don't really enjoy small talk.
I set the volume of TV/PC/stereo in sets of 5 only.
I am dreadful at conflict. Hate it, especially verbal, my brain just doesn't work fast enough. Physical arguments I have less issue with. My Mum told me when I was little: "never start fights, just make sure you finish them".
I dislike people watching me do things. I can almost feel their eyes drilling holes in me. I always make mistakes. I don't mind criticism too much as long as I respect the person criticising me, and the criticism is constructive.
I do try to work in a tidy area, but it just ends up really cluttered up. I need some level of structure/planning to produce any meaningful output. I have just discovered lists are pretty useful for getting me to do things. I bought some whiteboards, one for the things I want to achieve/finish tomorrow. I don't tend to write more than 4-5 things on it however. One for current/short term jobs. One for longer term. Both of these can have many, many things written on them. I feel the physical act of rubbing off the boards is quite motivational.
To add another point:
I do not enjoy places that appear crowded (it is a person per unit area thing). It seems roughly speaking that 4 people (other than me) per 3 square metres is enough to make me feel the fight or flight response.
I apologise for the long read/length of time for reply, again, I am not sure what is appropriate for a message board, additionally, I am having a hard time crystallising my thoughts into sentences that accurately represent my experience. I had to write notes, which I've re-written/edited etc, this post took more than 3 hours to write (I have to do this a lot).
Also, apologies for the thread hi-jack.