Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm in my mid twenties and finding things harder than ever. I really struggle with social skills and although I've always been told I'm "just shy" I've always known something is not right. Despite having outgrown the awkward teenage years I still find it incredibly difficult and confusing holding a conversation with pretty much everyone apart from very close family, even some friends I've known for years.
I've never been like other people, with strong interests and beliefs, not understanding or agreeing with social norms but recently become more aware of just how odd I am (must look for patterns in reg numbers, must always have car windows open even in January! etc...). I think I might be autistic but I'm terrified of going for a diagnosis to be laughed at and told l am just shy and a bit strange. I work with autistic people and although realise it's a spectrum disorder, I am nowhere near as affected as them. I think I probably come across as a little eccentric, lacking in self confidence and very shy.
I am really struggling with self confidence and self doubt and think a diagnosis would probably pull me out of the hole I've dug for myself; but am I just socially awkward, unusual, and looking for something to take the blame?
I guess I'm asking how autistic do you need to appear to get a diagnosis??!
Situations that cause me a lot of anxiety and stress include:
* Sudden changes to routine, such as being asked at the last minute to work overtime, or to do a task I'm not over-familiar with.
* Being asked to do something a different way, even though I might be doing it in a perfectly adequate way (such things can lead to panic attacks).
* Being in the presence of people with confident, forceful personalities - even if I know more about a subject than they do. In such situations, I invariably make mistakes.
* Going to any form of social gathering, even if it's with people I know.
* Having a stranger enter my home. I usually need to vacuum afterwards.
I have routines that I need to stick to - such as housework days and times. I prefer to buy things like apples in even numbers, not odd numbers. I'm hyper-sensitive to criticism, and it will usually lead to my making mistakes in tasks that I'm usually competent at. I will go out of my way to avoid an argument because I never feel confident in being able to hold my ground. If someone, in talking to me, makes a remark that I take issue with (such as a racist or sexist remark), it anguishes me - but I never have the confidence to tell them I would prefer them not to talk that way to me. I need to work in an ordered environment. If I'm doing a job in which I'm taking over from someone else, I have to rearrange everything to suit my sense of how it should be. If I know I'm taking over from a particularly untidy person, I have to go into work early to give myself time to do all the rearranging.
The list goes on and on...