Anger Management book advice please

Hi Maia,

This idea of the Welsh Divorce is something that Laurie Taylor could cover in his Thinking Allowed series http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006qy05 His programmes often cover fascinating descriptions of cultural and social goings on. It isn't always massively scientific but it does provide insight into other people's lives.

Getting over things and moving on is not really a new concept. Not harbouring grudges is part of the christian tradition that goes back 2000 years. Other religions, such as buddhism, also take a non revengeful view of life. (Other religions are available - I'm not an expert on their key features and differences) I'm not religious - the pomp and rituals never made any sense to me and the existence of a god was always problematic from my scientific viewpoint but there are some deeply useful things that are well described in some religious traditions. 

Hi Profsparks,

you may find this webpage useful: www.angermanage.co.uk/anger-management-books.html

They specialise in anger management and list a number of books that may be useful.

i am not sure if it is any consolation, but I know how you feel to a degree. I have had a terrible time the past few years with the loss of my father, loss of several close friends, loss of someone I loved who didn't love me in return, then lost my job. Too much loss which resulted in a large amount of anger.

My method of dealing with it is to find a safe outlet for the angry feelings when they rise, like exercising manically ( I cycle or use a treadmill), listen to my favourite music (very loud!), or break some glass bottles at a recycling centre. I have even resorted to a frantic but thorough cleaning of the house. 

Once the heat of the anger and energy dissipates, I find that I can think more clearly and somewhat rationally. At that stage if I still feel residual anger or irritation towards someone, I write them a very nasty letter but don't send/email it.

As Clovis said, this is just a stage and if you can move forward in life and put some time and distance between you and the events that led to your anger, hopefully you will find some peace. I am just getting to that point after two years, so just keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing the best you can.

You will get there, I am sure.

Thank you clovis, thank you thank you thank you.

Your post has resonated deeper and meant more to me than two years of therapy.

I couldn't understand why this had happened to me, I'm not a bad person and I was doing my best to do the right thing.

One of the turning points along the way happened just over a year ago. I grabbed my 9 year old son by the throat because he wasn't listening to me. It came after a long period of shattering events that I was having difficulty dealing with. There was no injury and no harm to him.

The Police and Social Services became involved, and to a lesser extent still are. I wasn't allowed unsupervised access to my kids for nearly two weeks.

I don't want to be in that frame of mind again, and need help getting from the anger where I am now, to being a good dad to them all.

I understand it will change in the long term, but in the immediate future I have difficulty controling where my head goes.

I know my anger is self-destructive and only hurts me, but that doesn't stop it coming.

I very much agree with Clovis' comments. Try not to get stuck with this anger, it will hurt and it will be hard and it will take time but look forward rather than back and don't waste your time on being bitter. Build a future with your children and their future. 

Having explanations for events is half the struggle. It is much harder to be judgemental and angry if you can see things from the other's point of view. Neither of you could have anticipated the events that have occured. If you have had 4 children and the marriage lasted so long then it doesn't sound as though she ever intended to bail out to begin with. I suspect that she saw you as a dependable and honest rock to build a life with. She probably knew little of life at the age of 22 when she married. She would have no idea that she was marrying someone whose emotions would be obscured by an invisible condition. She may not have reacted rationally as she made each choice that shaped her life with you. 

All that was speculation and probably wide of the mark but it is a possible explanation. One aspect of the condition is that we struggle with emotions and imagination and particularly struggle to see events from someone elses point of view. How do you think events seemed to play out from her side of the story?

Hi recombinantstocks

Yeah, I've heard that about anger too, and I am suffering.

We have four kids and the eldest was diagnosed with high function autism about six years ago. I recognised some of my own traits in her behaviour, and we suspected that I was on the spectrum, although at the time no formal diagnosis was saught.

It's a long and twisting history, but I'll jump to the last chapter.

About five years ago, after the birth of our fourth child, our marriage started to decline. I sacrificed my work and my health to support our kids and her while she sorted through her troubles, as we always talked about our future together once she was well again.

One night she came in from wherever, and dumped me. Said she didn't want to be with me any more. No warning, no discussion, that was the end of us. I just had to accept that and go.

Since then I've found out she was having an affair and generally sleeping around while giving me the 'cold shoulder'.

Six months on, she's 35 and got another new boyfriend, and they're living the life that I gave up so much for.

So.

I'm angry that she cheated and lied to me while I helped and supported her. She knew how that was affecting me, yet she continued.

I'm angry that she took it upon herself to terminate our relationship without any attempt to save it. She "got over it" and "moved on" with several others for years while I was struggling to save our marriage.

I'm angry that someone else now has the future that I was promised and worked so hard for, but I am now back to being alone and lost.

But I'm probably most angry with being told that I just have to accept all of this and not be angry about it.

I need help to not take it out on my kids. It has happened before and I don't want to go through that again.

Hi Profsparks

i was given a book on anger management a while before I was diagnosed with autism at age 56. The main point of the book was that the only person that suffers with anger is the person who is angry. It is a completely futile emotion to use. Somehow the book had 100 pages of verbiage but contained no further insight than the essential point that anger is pointless.

Undiagnosed autism leads to high divorce rates because we can be incomprehensible and impossible to deal with. Did your wife suspect that you had autism or was she completely unaware and did she try to deal with you as a non-autistic person? Why are you angry with her?