Published on 12, July, 2020
I am feeling a bit lost and quite frankly seriously depressed by my life at the moment. I have been refered by the doctor for an assessment for Autism (asd), but feel like I am waiting forever, heard nothing about an appointment time as of yet. I am very low in moods, spend most of my time in bed with depression. No interest in anything, don't care about anything. I feel so hopeless at the moment.
My CBT therapist left after only 4 sessions with me, I had to wait another month and a half before getting a new one - but at this point I was so bad I was refered back to my crisis team. I was suicidal and very much struggling. I called the samaritans, the crisis team, my therapist... all who seemed either unsure or uncaring enough to help or support me.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life and have done lots of research into ASD - having had a very big light bulb moment. I truly think this is what the underlining problem is and I truly hope I get an answer soon so that I can get the help needed and focus on something rather than grasping at straws and 'trial and error' by the 'professionals' around. I feel like I am just going through the motions and being passed around, but not achieving anything.
I have been refused for PIP, under the belief that my assessor thought that although I was anxious at the assessment at my home, I was capable of working. Everything I had put/said she had dismissed and scored me a 0 overall - which was very disheartening and made me feel worse.
My step father is reluctant to believe there is anything wrong and that I should just get on with life. My partner thinks it is his fault, that I become unhappy since moving in with him - despite all I tell him and that I have been like I am all my life. Positive support is good but I feel that reaching out to people can bring the negative sort of attention too. I want to feel better, supported, and not guilty for trying to show my struggles or ask for help, because others do not understand.
It getting to the point where I am not even sure who I am anymore. Not even sure I may have ASD, or if I am just trying to convince myself when really I am nothing but a bad person who can't cope with modern living. I just lay in bed, dont look after myself, dont clean or do things I usually enjoy. I am so fed up. I just want to bury myself and just not be here anymore. I feel so lost as to what to do or who to turn to. My life is so pointless and stressful. I just can't cope.
Hi Penny,
Autism is an invisible and strange thing to have. I was diagnosed two years ago and am still really unsure about who I am - i.e. what is the autism and what is me. Life is always going to be a mystery and I think that we have to treat it as a journey of discovery. It is a bit like living in the middle of a murder mystery, nobody knows if there has been a murder, nobody would recognise the murderer and actually we end up realising that nobody really understands themselves that well in the first place. You are still "You" if you have autism, it just means that you are a particular type of person with particular tendencies and susceptibilities.
Have you seen the Recovery Letters website? I heard about this from Radio 4 All in the Mind. Have a look at http://therecoveryletters.com/ the idea is that people who have gone through depression and anxiety and who have come out the other side write letters to be read by people in your position. If you are depressed then you don't believe that you can come out of the other side in one piece. My experience and that of the people that write the letters is that you can get through it. That website was setup by someone who has been through what you are going through and has got out in one piece on the other side.