Completely confused

You sound like your in the same boat as us.

We got a private Ot report basically stating he has sensory proccessing disorder and Hpercussis and Autistic traits.

My son keeps saying he wants to kill himself, we went to Cahms and have been told he is low to moderate risk because i am always on top of him, they also wrote he hasnt tried tyo harm himself when he has, tried putting a bag over his head, trying to jump from great heights.

What they did say is that he needs an Asd assessment.

Its extremley difficul when you are dealing with this and all the violence, i felt like nobody was taking me seriously untill i went into school a few weeks ago and showed them my arm full of bruises,scratch marks and a bite mark and told them hed threatened to kill himself. Now everyone seems to be listening.

So i am going to fill in a Caf which i should have done a few years ago bu was scared because of the socail services thing, and then we are going to have a Taf and hopefully things will move from there.

Im there with you hun, if you vre need to talk im always here.xxx

Hi Helly87,

Thanks for sharing so honestly here about your very challenging situation. We'd like to reassure you that you are not alone. Should you need further advice perhaps you'd like to give us a call on our Helpline. We also have lots of parent resources on our website.

Take care,

Avi

Hi Helly

You've presented what you think is a complicated situation, but it's not an unusual one for us, and you've obviously read enough to know that there's a problem which you think is ASD. By talking about it here, we would hope to be able to give you some insight, into our world. You're his Mum and you know him best, but that doesn't mean you understand his world. Let's see if we can help.

I've had many useless GPs, but the one I've got now has saved my life, my hope and my sanity by pressing for, and getting, my diagnosis. Her start point was actually showing an interest in the first place, and I thank my God.

I shall start by assuming that your son is ASD. Let me try and explain the world as he sees it.

He isn't a 'fussy' eater. Eating issues occur as part of the condition. It can be looks, taste, texture, colour, he might line his food up and eat one item at a time (or variation thereof), he will certainly be 'slower' than 'normies'. The point is, does he eat and is he getting his good nutrition? If he is, what's the issue? Give him what he likes and let him eat it HIS way - you do, don't you?

School is a frightening, confused world. He doesn't really join in with the other kids, he doesn't understand (or in some cases want to join in with) their activities, and as kids will, they spot that he is 'different' and pick on him for it. He can't tell you this or give you examples, because he doesn't know the difference, and as he gets older, it will get worse. They will do 'mean' things to him because he is vulnerable and susceptible. They'll get him to do things that get him into trouble, and he most certainly won't be listened to or understood if he tries to explain.

Teachers do the same in their way, unintentionally of course (which is worse, in ways) and will often judge your parenting to be at fault because of his 'bad' behaviour. He is NOT behaving badly, bad behaviour is a choice, he is just behaving differently and really doesn't understand 'normie' behaviour. He may try to copy it (there are reasons why - ask separately) but won't be able to do so successfuly, which marks him out even more.

The 'knife' incident is the type of last resort self defence that his world has driven him to, he is scared, alone, and often attacked, verbally and probably physically too, for reasons he cannot comprehend. He is getting no help and probably resents you for sending him to what has become a toture chamber. He thinks that even you don't love him, which is far from the truth as we know, but he can't see it.

Feeling alone, friendless and unsupported, he has reached the point where he thinks that death will be a welcome release. This is terrible of course, but it is a common experience. Some of us still have to fight suicidal tendencies, and we have them purely because we live in such a hateful, hostile world. The more people 'fail' to listen to and understand him, the worse he will get and the less inclined he will be to bother at all - these are the communication difficulties that we ALL experience.

Please do not be heartbroken. You are blessed with a very special little boy and he needs you to be a very special parent. Right now, you probably feel helpless and bewildered. Clearly, unless he is properly diagnosed (and the things you say persuade me that you are right) you won't have any ammunition. Given the state he is in, you need help, and fast.

And you've said the key thing - you can't do right for doing wrong. His life is keeping him hovering on the verge of, and occasionaly crossing into, meltdown territory. Please understand that you are right, anything you do will be 'wrong' from his point of view. This is a facet of the condition, it cannot be changed but it can be helped.

The incident with the cat is because the cat is loving and familiar, doesn't hurt him, and feels nice too - I was always the same with my cat and derived the only comfort available to me in my world, from her. The toilet is probably one place where he can guarantee to be left alone. Did it calm and quiet him? Was he 'irritated' by ending it? If so, there's your sign...

Strange attachments? They're only strange to you, don't judge, just accept, HE knows what he's doing but with that attitude from you he won't even try to explain it to you - knowing it's uselss and you'll argue with him, he won't even bother to try. LISTEN to him, and do your best to hear what he's saying.

He isn't getting 'aggressive' with his sister, he's being intensely irritated and his reaction SEEMS like aggression to 'normies'. ASD includes hypersensitivity. Imagine something that slightly annoys you - to him, that same thing would be a full frontal assault. I'm simplifying to try and get you to understand, and I hope you get the idea. At times like that, how does he react to being touched? At hypersensitive times, someone's touch BURNS me like being touched with a hot iron. I tend to react 'aggressively' when someone attacks me with a 'hot iron' - sound familiar?

A diagnosis of ASD will make a huge difference to both your lives. If, after reading these pages, you find yourself even more convinced that he's on the spectrum, get involved and aggressive yourself. Take what you get from here and FORCEFULY tell everyone, GP, teachers, family, what you believe, and why. Stand up for him, you're his only lifebelt and he's drowning.

Think how you would feel if you were lost, alone, frightened, in a world full of people where you are totally confused by their language and behaviour. That's what your son experiences, constantly.

Spend a lot of time on here, you'll get plenty of support and will gain an understanding of him.

Good luck Mum!