I've been wondering if I may be on the spectrum

Hi there everyone,

MrsGrump here. I'm in my early 20's and for a while now I've suspected that there is something unusual about the ways in which I socialize. 

For the most part I manage to function well in society. I have a very high college degree in English, a supportive family and a small group of close friends. There are, however, some difficulties that I face in day to day life which just doesn't seem to resonate with my friends of the same age.

For starters, I really, really dislike new situations and places. It used to be that when I was somewhere new or in a new situation as a child and teenager I would instantly retreat into myself. This was not typical shyness but rather the feeling that everything was about to go disastrously wrong, that I did not 'fit' there and that people would notice I wasn't like them. As an adult I am much more capable of going to unfamilair places and trying out experiences for the first time but there are still limitations to this.

For example, I have to know where I'm going - usually by seeing pictures of the place, asking questions about it or preferably actually going there before I am expected to meet people there. If I am asked to do a task which I have no experience with then I freeze up entirely. I become immobile and it's like I physically cannot move. Even though my brain will offer me suggestions on how to do the thing, or tell the person that I can't do it, I can't go through with any of it. Only my parents and boyfriend can get me talking or making small movements whilst still in this situation - ordinarily I only become 'normal' again once I have left the place entirely and am back in a familiar environment with things I know how to do.

I can also have trouble reading people's intentions and feelings. In theory I understand it all - I'm a fiction writer - but it can be hard for me to assess people who are in negative moods. I frequently mistake people for being angry or upset when they're not. However, this is offset by my scrutiny of tiny details, which allows me to notice and analyze body language, changes in voice pitch and tone, etc. I do have to work really hard sometimes (to the point of not being able to do anything else) to put myself in other people's shoes during confrontations between myself and them (but this is not the case during regular or happy situations).

I also struggle with really silly things like can openers, public transport and cooking. With practice I can do these things normally, however, they don't come naturally to me as it seems with other people. I like people to explain things explicitly, step by step, with exactly what I need to do. I am incredibly good at following orders - I am gifted in free thinking but only when I am alone. This ability vanishes when I'm around other people.

I really love rules, regulations and lists. I follow them closely.

Talking to people can be hit or miss depending on what mood is dominant at the time. Sometimes I get hyper-active and boisterous and then I do well with meeting groups of people. However, this is a forced persona, and although people's reaction to this is not engative people still give the feedback that I seem very quirky and unique. My natural mindset is very quiet and withdrawn. I'm fine talking to people one-on-one when I feel like this but not more than one person. Generally people say that I'm 'nice', 'approachable' and 'understanding'. However, I always feel like an outsider that is 'different' somehow, except with my parents and boyfriend.

For most of my life I've gotten lost or had anxiety attacks when trying to do new things when nobody I know is there. For this reason my parents took me everywhere even when I was old enough to travel by my own. To this day I have to check in with them and my partner when I go anywhere alone. 

I'm incredibly indecisive. I genuinely don't have a preference when it comes to most choices, to the point that I have sat in the same place for an hour, because my friend wouldn't leave until I chose where we were going. 

I was a late developer as a child - very bright academically, and adults described me as 'mature', but at the same time I had no grasp of the concept of myself and others. I had no interest in romantic relationships until my late teens and never shared the passion for body image, socializing and reputation that my friends had. It wasn't a conscious preference - I had no concept of these things.

I get burnt out by social interaction easily. I need a few days of alone time to recharge after moderate levels of interaction. I go running frequently and become very upset to the point of crying if someone stops me from going for my run. It's the only time when I feel truly inspired and free. I also harbour a tendency to become very unempathetic when there is too much noise, a very repetitive noise, a crowded room full of people or a group of people actively being mean to me. In these cases I stop caring about what other people think entirely and either try to fight (verbally) or sneak my way out. I really dislike being touched by strangers unless I get along remarkably well with them and I absolutley hate when people touch my wrists or the top of my head. I have always prefered shaking hands to hugging/kissing on the cheek. 

I like to play with small objects of different textures such as string or small pieces of silicone. If I don't have anything to play with then I will wring my hands when nervous, thinking hard about something or afraid. I was not aware that I did this until a teacher pointed it out to me. I would only eat specific foods such as pasta and chicken as a child but my diet is a lot more varied now, though I still can't eat certain things like mushroom or lamb.

There's never been any discussion or diagnosis but my whole family treat me as though I'm much younger than my years. My past romantic partners have expressed frustration in the past at things I've struggled with such as meeting their friends or doing new date activities together, and have said that I was being deliberately difficult. They've also expressed surprise at some of the things I've been unable to do or not understood. Thankfully my current partner is very understanding, listens to my needs and helps me to face my difficulties.

Sorry to have written such an essay! It looks bad on paper, but for the most part I think I've adapted quite well to life, and blend in enough for people to not push for any kind of testing. Still, there's definitely something a bit different about me - does it sound to any of you like what you go through?

Thankyou for reading and I hope you've had a good day.

  • You will always find help and advice here if you need it. Good luck.Smile

  • Unfortunately I was never given the option to involve the police. Eventually my parents did find out what was going on - I developed anorexia due to the insults about my weight, and whilst in hospital I confided in a nurse who then informed them about the situation. I was offered counselling at that time but refused it because I thought they were going to lock me up or something. We did have some meetings with the school; sadly my main bullies were in foster care and the head mistress was very reluctant to cause any further disruption to their lives.

    I ended up being home schooled for the last two year of high school. Mostly I taught myself out of books and the internet but I did have some long distance tutors that I could E-mail (and phone, but I never phoned them, because I dislike phone calls immensely) and my parents helped me out where they could. I got very average grades but thankfully my face to face interview and samples of literary work got me a place in college (which is the step before University in the UK) and from there I got the qualifications I needed to go to university.

    Thankyou. It means a lot to me to hear that. I'm very picky about who I'll trust. My friends nowadays are good people. I had a handful of therapy sessions in college which the tutors insisted I have to better integrate with the other kids after being homeschooled. They weren't much help - mostly just 'draw your feelings', 'write lists' nonsense. I think time and self-conditioning has helped me to more-or-less get back to my old self. 

  • Hi mrsgrump. I am apauled by your school experiences. It sounds more like gbh and sexual assault than bullying. Were the police involved?  How did you manage to complete your education?

    You have done extremely well to get a degree and learn to trust people again enough to have friends. Were you given psychiatric help? 

  • Thankyou Marjorie195. I'm glad to hear that this has been a valuable resource for you and has provided some peace of mind. Thanks as well for the recommendations; I'll check those out. I'm so glad to hear that being here has helped you.

    Thanks for your response and insight, Hope. Though a few of my teachers have suggested that I display signs of dyslexia I've never chased it up nor thought about the possibility of dyspraxia. Anxiety does actually sound fairly likely too. You're quite right of course; the GP is the way to go. I just wanted to do some preliminary research before I took this any further.

    To respond to your questions: I did have a great deal of problems making and maintaining friendships at school. I only had a couple of friends and I hardly ever spent time with them. I often felt like there was some kind of barrier between us; they talked about things I didn't understand or had no interest in. I was bullied throughout primary (elementary) school in quite a mild way (teased, kicked, etc) but when I got to highschool it came to the point where the other children would break my limbs, spit on me, undress me in the playground, give me concussions and I was even stabbed in the leg once. I had to leave highschool when I was 14 because I was sustaining too many physical injuries. My parents were never concerned about my behaviour as far as I could tell; they took me too and from school and treated me like I was much younger than I was without questioning it. My teachers did repeatedly report again and again that I was an extremely well behaved child but very, very quiet to the point of only speaking when I was spoken too and that I never interacted with other children. The phrase 'needs to participate more in social groups' is on every school report I ever brought home. I did have a few things which I was almost obsessive about; writing, roleplaying and video games especially. I did get extremely upset when there was any change to my routine (I still do) and would act out or simply shut down and refuse to do anything. The only denying of access to my interests that upset me as a teen was when my parents would refuse me access to the computer. I'd get very angry about that and say things such as 'that's the only thing that makes my life worthwhile' (I was a brat about that). I also burst into tears and withdrew when I was not allowed to go for runs/jogs.

    Again, thankyou for your help and advice.


    Thanks for your input Helen31. Your message was very reassuring. Congratulations and well done on having the strength of will to get your diagnosis. It's good to hear from someone who also thinks in a similar way on some issues since, as you know, it can be very frustrating to be the only one with a certain problem in your social group. I'm sorry to hear about your incident with the door; it was very wrong of those girls to judge you for a simple mistake which anybody could make. I'm sure there are things they struggle with that they're also embarrassed about. Thanks for your advice.

  • The things that could be signs of possible Asperger's are your dislike of new situations and trouble reading people's  intentions and feelings. I can certainly relate to this myself, and I have a diagnosis of Asperger's.

    However, there are other differential diagnoses that could also apply such as dyspraxia, or anxiety disorder. Therefore if you are concerned, the first port of call is your GP, and you would need to ask to be referred to someone with autism expertise. They will be able to assess you and give you the correct explanation or diagnosis.

    Asperger's is a developmental condition so the symptoms should have been present since at least the age of 5 years, and in many cases there are subtle signs since toddlerhood. My parents first had concerns when I was three years because my motor development was slightly delayed, and I was disruptive at play group.

    Did you have problems making and/or maintaining friendships at school? Were you bullied and/or socially excluded? Were you identified by your class mates as rather strange or different to them? Were the teachers and/or your parents concerned by any aspects of your behaviour? Did you have any narrow and obsessive interests? Any tantrums when there were changes of plan or you could not access your interests?

    I ask the above questions because, if you could answer at least some of them, they would provide more of a context to your issues. At an assessment they will want to know about your chidhood functioning just as much as your current functioning, and it can be helpful to have your parents at the assessment. If your parents are not able to be there, then you could bring along someone else who has known you for a very long time.

  • Hi mrsgrump. I am undiagnosed, and came here for the same reasons. The more I read and discuss here, the more convinced I am that I have asd. My moments of doubt get fewer.

    You could also look at Tania Marshall's web site, about moving towards a female profile for aspergers,it is very enlightening. There are good books around, the local library is a good starting point.

    Itis invaluable joining in the discusions here and finding like minded people. We are all different, but have more in common  than we do with the world beyond. 

    Good luck.